Duochrome-Seahorse
I hope I start rotting in my sleep
- Feb 23, 2023
- 60
Originally, I still have 55 days to make the decision to die, but after getting a job, and knowing it will end in a few months, I'm thinking of enjoying my money first before I die. Spending my money is addicting but I've been doing my best to control my budgeting(I'm still kinda careless with it oopsie 
But what I was thinking is that after this job ends, if I can't get a job in the next 6 months, or when maid comes back for mentally ill, I will take my own life. I might look into another method after debating my original plan of getting decapitated by a train. I might apply for maid but other than that I might do either drowning or the night night method. It's all up in the air because I know I'm going to hesitate
Before then I'm trying to starve myself but it's been so fucking hard. I don't eat much which is good, but I'm still eating, and that's an issue for me. It makes everything more potent.
Idk I've been thinking about all the things I don't have, the skills that I lack/have a hard time building, and I just don't like being that social even though in order to survive I HAVE to talk to people. It's so painful for me to talk cuz I slowly have no time for myself and I hate it. I miss being alone for long periods of time, but if I'm alone for too long I have a hard time socializing and I'll have to start all over again. Being introverted/asocial is a fucking curse.
I can feel myself change as a person and I feel like it's all going to be for nothing or I can't execute it well because I'm dense in the fucking head. I don't have the same energy that I had years ago. I'm so insecure about everything about myself. I always feel like I'm taking up space and I shouldn't be here, and I'm not supposed to! I'm an accident! My parents told me that I wasn't supposed to be born!!
No matter what I do that feeling of not belonging here is etched into my head. I will never feel like I fit in no matter what I do! It feels as if everyone is dragging me along because they pity me! I want to prove that I'm not a pitiful child that's in the background! But no matter what I do, I'm still in the background! I will never be the main character of my own story!! I am an extra!!! Walking amongst people who actually! Fucking! Matter!
I won't be saved from myself! If I had the strength I would kill myself now, but I'm a weak fuckhead. I keep delaying this shit because I'm a pussy who thinks I have what it takes for life to get better. Well anyways rant over stream Sneaker Pimps
But what I was thinking is that after this job ends, if I can't get a job in the next 6 months, or when maid comes back for mentally ill, I will take my own life. I might look into another method after debating my original plan of getting decapitated by a train. I might apply for maid but other than that I might do either drowning or the night night method. It's all up in the air because I know I'm going to hesitate
Before then I'm trying to starve myself but it's been so fucking hard. I don't eat much which is good, but I'm still eating, and that's an issue for me. It makes everything more potent.
Idk I've been thinking about all the things I don't have, the skills that I lack/have a hard time building, and I just don't like being that social even though in order to survive I HAVE to talk to people. It's so painful for me to talk cuz I slowly have no time for myself and I hate it. I miss being alone for long periods of time, but if I'm alone for too long I have a hard time socializing and I'll have to start all over again. Being introverted/asocial is a fucking curse.
I can feel myself change as a person and I feel like it's all going to be for nothing or I can't execute it well because I'm dense in the fucking head. I don't have the same energy that I had years ago. I'm so insecure about everything about myself. I always feel like I'm taking up space and I shouldn't be here, and I'm not supposed to! I'm an accident! My parents told me that I wasn't supposed to be born!!
No matter what I do that feeling of not belonging here is etched into my head. I will never feel like I fit in no matter what I do! It feels as if everyone is dragging me along because they pity me! I want to prove that I'm not a pitiful child that's in the background! But no matter what I do, I'm still in the background! I will never be the main character of my own story!! I am an extra!!! Walking amongst people who actually! Fucking! Matter!
I won't be saved from myself! If I had the strength I would kill myself now, but I'm a weak fuckhead. I keep delaying this shit because I'm a pussy who thinks I have what it takes for life to get better. Well anyways rant over stream Sneaker Pimps
