Thinking about my own death is the only way I feel cared about

[madbananas]

It’s ridiculously sad. But I know that people would care if I died because humans typically do care when other humans die, even if it’s very brief and superficial. Fantasising about my own death and people being told I’m no longer here is actually comforting to me because of this. I think about people becoming tearful after hearing the news and it makes me feel cared about. It probably sounds ridiculous, but it makes sense in my head.
I should mention that I do actually want to die, and have done since I was 11. So I’m not planning to kill myself just because I know people will be briefly upset when I’m gone.

 

[Deleted member 23586]

This isnt weird at all. This has been one of my coping mechanisms since elementary school. I totally get it. Yesterday I say a bunch of police and ambulances near my house. The road was blocked off and everything. And besides my fear of cops, I couldn't help but think to myself, "I wonder if the front of my house would look like that if I ctb". Idk, It was a nice but horrible thought (mostly for those that live here). It reminded me that I don't want to be here though.

 

[sadworld]

It doesn't sound ridiculous. I get what you mean and I think about it sometimes and it's funny how they would start caring after I'm gone but they don't even think about caring now...

 

[madbananas]

This isnt weird at all. This has been one of my coping mechanisms since elementary school. I totally get it. Yesterday I say a bunch of police and ambulances near my house. The road was blocked off and everything. And besides my fear of cops, I couldn't help but think to myself, "I wonder if the front of my house would look like that if I ctb". Idk, It was a nice but horrible thought (mostly for those that live here). It reminded me that I don't want to be here though.

I totally get you. And then I don’t if you’re the same, but I get really upset about the fact I’m thinking it because I’d be absolutely devastated if I knew people in my life who were feeling like that. There’s a lot of shame in “feeling sorry for oneself”, but self compassion and compassion for others are linked. So I used to be really embarrassed about these thoughts because it seems like woe is me, but now I don’t feel so bad.

It doesn't sound ridiculous. I get what you mean and I think about it sometimes and it's funny how they would start caring after I'm gone but they don't even think about caring now...

Thank you, and exactly, but they would. They would be upset and it’s typically because people take others for granted when alive but then only really show the care when the person dies. It’s really sad.

 

[Huntfish34]

Ive felt the same way for numerous years,. I totally get it. And what a vicious cycle of thoughts,. I Fckn hate it.

I wish you the best. ❤️

 

[madbananas]

Ive felt the same way for numerous years,. I totally get it. And what a vicious cycle of thoughts,. I Fckn hate it.

I wish you the best. ❤

I’m so sorry you feel the same. It is vicious. Crying my eyes out right now as we speak. I wish you the best too

 

[waterstrider]

I fantasize about it as well.
My family crying, feeling bad and for the first time in their lifes actually missing me (sad though that it would take my ctb and me being there doesn’t evoke any positive emotions).
Still kind of comforting to know that maybe you meant just a little bit to someone at some point.

 

[madbananas]

I fantasize about it as well.
My family crying, feeling bad and for the first time in their lifes actually missing me (sad though that it would take my ctb and me being there doesn’t evoke any positive emotions).
Still kind of comforting to know that maybe you meant just a little bit to someone at some point.

I’m sorry you experience this too. I find it’s a feeling of complete rejection, neglect, abandonment etc. Sending hugs

 

[Deleted member 23586]

I’m so sorry you feel the same. It is vicious. Crying my eyes out right now as we speak. I wish you the best too

Aww babe :(
*hugs*