Discussion Think I have finally come to the end.

[hypo666]

Hello, I think it's time I left this mortal coil. What is making me hesitate are I made a previous attempt at beachy head but could not physically throw myself off the edge. I even stood on the edge on one leg and lent over hoping the wind would blow me over..... I shut my eyes hoping that would make my balance go... All that did was draw attention to me, and then the chaplains turned up two kindly ladies. And then some police officers who engaged me in an argument about putting others lives at risk due to my actions and I then lost my temper and approached them shouting to leave me alone and they all piled on me . If that was a deliberate strategy by them it was very clever! I was then detained and it was a load of shit. I ended up back under mental health team . I was also diagnosed with personalty disorder, borderline and paranoid pd and ptsd. I concerned as right now I have quite a few people keeping an eye on me , support workers, CPNS, and they know Iam in a bit of low point right now, so I think if I go back to beachy head, good chance I will have a reception committee. And beachy head is the only method I can even think of trying. Iam worried about my SI kicking in again and it will be like jumping from the frying pan into the fire. I think I am very close from being put back in hospital. Not just the low mood and suicide ideation Iam having bouts of horrendous paranoia and moodswings . I can't sleep right , I feel any point someone will come in my room and hurt me all the time. People around have noticed and hospital has been mentioned by them as a 'safe place' when anyone who has been in such places knows they are anything but,.

Iam at a low point because, I have been told I need to pay for my 'care' in the supported home they have me in. The NHS continuing health care assessment has failed and Iam now liable for a large bill. I have lots of other debts, so I kind figger Iam basically fucked. Iam on benefits due to sickness I have no assets no income ,no property. The staff at the home think it's unfair but basically their hands are tied.

I also feel with my diagnosis Iam also fucked, Iam like Iam because of my messed up childhood ,it's not a chemical inbalance which is why meds do little apart from give side effects. With this diagnosis I feel I will be thought of as a liar, a faker and all the rest , Iam furious frankly and I think if I don't off myself I will end up offing several others who I blame for some of this shit and then will just make my life worse.

Plus everyone I know is leaving, and I just feel so alone ,I dread the future I hate myself, I hate people, I hate this world so much. I worry the fall at beachy head will not outright kill me but frankly I think it's worse the risk, Iam just going to run like fuck as soon as I get there and dive off. It's possible because I have told them all so many time I don't want to live they won't call anyone anyway.

 

[hypo666]

Still here Iam in a kind of limbo which I suspect others have experienced. It's the weekend, no one to bother me in an offical capacity, the staff are okayish in the supported home Iam in,so I have just been relaxing and thinking about the situation,made a bonfire with a member of staff yesterday . In fact several staff have come to me and said they think it's an 'insult' Iam being asked to pay when other residents don't as in their view I had no choice but to come here as the mental health team have said Iam too much of a risk to be in the community and need to be supervised. I think it's down to discrimation there is about personality disorders, but maybe not as it seems to be anyone with a mental illness experiences lack of understanding of their problems

I truly don't see a way out of the trap Iam in and at some point a crunch will come and that will be it. as I have had too many years of fighting this.I feel old and tired and can only see a horrendous future.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

Hi, I'm really sorry for your situation.

I'm thinking about beachy head. Can you tell me more about the chaplains/police? What time of day was it? I'd ask you in a PM but you don't have that yet.

I hope things improve for you

Take care

 

[Soulless_Angel]

Still here Iam in a kind of limbo which I suspect others have experienced. It's the weekend, no one to bother me in an offical capacity, the staff are okayish in the supported home Iam in,so I have just been relaxing and thinking about the situation,made a bonfire with a member of staff yesterday . In fact several staff have come to me and said they think it's an 'insult' Iam being asked to pay when other residents don't as in their view I had no choice but to come here as the mental health team have said Iam too much of a risk to be in the community and need to be supervised. I think it's down to discrimation there is about personality disorders, but maybe not as it seems to be anyone with a mental illness experiences lack of understanding of their problems

I truly don't see a way out of the trap Iam in and at some point a crunch will come and that will be it. as I have had too many years of fighting this.I feel old and tired and can only see a horrendous future.

why the fuck are you paying for your care and what the hell is a supported home? How different is it to a hospital?

Either way I am sorry you have come to this point, weekends are awful with pretty much no support, no answers nothing, its like you say total limbo.

 

[Soul]

I'm very sorry you're going through all this. It doesn't make sense to me that you're expected to pay. It seems like there should be a social worker or someone like that to help you apply for additional benefits or whatever is needed.

I have no ideas at all about Beachy Head. Maybe a different type of exit would suit you better? I found some ideas for myself in the List of Resources near the top of the forum; maybe you would too.

Is your physical health okay?

I hope at least something starts going better. x

 

[hypo666]

Hi, I'm really sorry for your situation.

I'm thinking about beachy head. Can you tell me more about the chaplains/police? What time of day was it? I'd ask you in a PM but you don't have that yet.

I hope things improve for you

Take care

It was early afternoon when I arrived about 2pm , I walked along the edge for ages looking for a spot and then walked back to some seats nearby and thought for awhile and then walked along the edge again. This time I stopped and tried to will myself to jump ,looked down and couldn't manage it. I stood there for ages and felt the wind blowing around me and then it came into my head that the wind could do the job for me. So I stood on one leg and leant over the edge, then closed my eyes hoping I would naturally unbalance and then fall. That didn't happen and then I heard voices. female voices and they were asking if I was okay. I didn't turn round to talk to them and didn't say anything to them . In the end I said what my name was . They asked me to come with them but I didn't reply as I didn't feel my life was worth living and thought {wrongly it turned out in the end} that I would be going to prison because I had lost my temper and got in a fight. After some time longer I heard quite a few more voices and then a male voice started talking ,I still didn't turn round. Usual thing asked my name,,where I lived that type of thing. Then another male voice started saying I was putting them all at risk by standing where I was. And I just exploded with anger, turned and started ranting about my shit life and I was right to do this ,I then was arguing with them and didn't see the others basically flank me and jump on me . I was dragged back from the edge. I seemed to be on the ground a long while. the fight left me and I was basically led down the grass bit to the chaplains office and sat with the police. There was about 6 police officers,maybe more. I was sat in the office ,given a hot drink then driven by several officers to the police station where I got a MH assessment and was then taken to a kind of respite care home and remained there several days. I wasn't taken to hospital at that point as it was thought I would be better in this respite place in eastbourne. It was very nice there actually. I was then assessed again and allowed to go home, even get the train home!, I got home and within an hour the crisis team turned up with the police and I was basically told either I voluntarily go to hospital or I would be sectioned. This was not only because of my attempt but because of the fight and what the police had found in the home { a knife and baseball bat}. Then it was back under CMHT, this time given a CPN and being told I need to be 'supervised' for a long time by the psychiatrist.

why the fuck are you paying for your care and what the hell is a supported home? How different is it to a hospital?

Either way I am sorry you have come to this point, weekends are awful with pretty much no support, no answers nothing, its like you say total limbo.

I became more unwell a year ago and despite the fact the mental health team say I need to be in supported accomodation because of the risk to myself and others in the community . the NHS continuing health care say I don't have a health need..which means I need to pay. It's 900 pound a week to be in this place. It's basically a normal house but there are staff 24/7 and all the residents have mental health problems either psychosis or personality disorders. Even though I was told if I didn't go there I would be sectioned ,so I went, because I wasn't sectioned that means I need to pay.If I had refused and they had sectioned me I would not have to pay now. The rule makes no sense. but then much doesnt make sense these days. I don't have property, savings or assets, Iam in serious debt and Iam using my benefits to pay that off. Iam penniless.

I'm very sorry you're going through all this. It doesn't make sense to me that you're expected to pay. It seems like there should be a social worker or someone like that to help you apply for additional benefits or whatever is needed.

I have no ideas at all about Beachy Head. Maybe a different type of exit would suit you better? I found some ideas for myself in the List of Resources near the top of the forum; maybe you would too.

Is your physical health okay?

I hope at least something starts going better. x

there is a social worker involved, he is useless ,has no understanding of mental illness, and I have asked for a new one. no one listened to me about that. Some of the staff in the home are okay, they understand it more, as does my CPN and psychiatrist but unfortunately they don't make these rules and are basically powerless. This is the council/nhs rules thats causing the problem.
I got a taxi up to beachy head from eastbourne train station , I tried walking up there first but at some point the pavement disappears and you have to make your way up there on grass and it's hilly plus it's near the main road and while I was doing it I saw several police cars drive past!, Iam not sure if I took the right way up to the place but, in my case at least it became basically impossible to get there without drawing attention to yourself walking alone and uphill on grass near the road when in my case you had had little sleep and adrenaline was running through you wasn't a good combo.

so I returned into town and paid for a taxi and bullshitted the taxi driver that I was up there to see the bomber command memorial.Despite the turmoil I was in, I made easy conversation. Iam well practiced in that sadly because of my past.

 

[Soul]

Can you ask your psychiatrist to change your status to involuntary? In a lot of systems there are even ways of doing it retroactively, because the providers know they won't get any payment otherwise, and of course they need to.
I'm glad you have a couple of good people on your side. x

 

[Soulless_Angel]

I became more unwell a year ago and despite the fact the mental health team say I need to be in supported accomodation because of the risk to myself and others in the community . the NHS continuing health care say I don't have a health need..which means I need to pay. It's 900 pound a week to be in this place. It's basically a normal house but there are staff 24/7 and all the residents have mental health problems either psychosis or personality disorders. Even though I was told if I didn't go there I would be sectioned ,so I went, because I wasn't sectioned that means I need to pay.If I had refused and they had sectioned me I would not have to pay now. The rule makes no sense. but then much doesnt make sense these days. I don't have property, savings or assets, Iam in serious debt and Iam using my benefits to pay that off. Iam penniless.

I have no words, what a fucked up situation!! I am so sorry you have been left like this! And I thought the health care I am (not) getting was bad enough!

 

[Going Home]

Hello, I think it's time I left this mortal coil. What is making me hesitate are I made a previous attempt at beachy head but could not physically throw myself off the edge. I even stood on the edge on one leg and lent over hoping the wind would blow me over..... I shut my eyes hoping that would make my balance go... All that did was draw attention to me, and then the chaplains turned up two kindly ladies. And then some police officers who engaged me in an argument about putting others lives at risk due to my actions and I then lost my temper and approached them shouting to leave me alone and they all piled on me . If that was a deliberate strategy by them it was very clever! I was then detained and it was a load of shit. I ended up back under mental health team . I was also diagnosed with personalty disorder, borderline and paranoid pd and ptsd. I concerned as right now I have quite a few people keeping an eye on me , support workers, CPNS, and they know Iam in a bit of low point right now, so I think if I go back to beachy head, good chance I will have a reception committee. And beachy head is the only method I can even think of trying. Iam worried about my SI kicking in again and it will be like jumping from the frying pan into the fire. I think I am very close from being put back in hospital. Not just the low mood and suicide ideation Iam having bouts of horrendous paranoia and moodswings . I can't sleep right , I feel any point someone will come in my room and hurt me all the time. People around have noticed and hospital has been mentioned by them as a 'safe place' when anyone who has been in such places knows they are anything but,.

Iam at a low point because, I have been told I need to pay for my 'care' in the supported home they have me in. The NHS continuing health care assessment has failed and Iam now liable for a large bill. I have lots of other debts, so I kind figger Iam basically fucked. Iam on benefits due to sickness I have no assets no income ,no property. The staff at the home think it's unfair but basically their hands are tied.

I also feel with my diagnosis Iam also fucked, Iam like Iam because of my messed up childhood ,it's not a chemical inbalance which is why meds do little apart from give side effects. With this diagnosis I feel I will be thought of as a liar, a faker and all the rest , Iam furious frankly and I think if I don't off myself I will end up offing several others who I blame for some of this shit and then will just make my life worse.

Plus everyone I know is leaving, and I just feel so alone ,I dread the future I hate myself, I hate people, I hate this world so much. I worry the fall at beachy head will not outright kill me but frankly I think it's worse the risk, Iam just going to run like fuck as soon as I get there and dive off. It's possible because I have told them all so many time I don't want to live they won't call anyone anyway.

I relate to your experience about people piling on. A group of people harassed me then labeled me as crazy. Mental health "professionals" came up with a BS diagnosis with no blood test and no neurological testing. I was never told I had to live in supportive housing or any facility.

It's unfair that they are making you pay for this supported home. I would NEVER pay for ANY supported home. I would not want to be in one. They would have to bring me in front of a judge and explain to me why with tests not some mental health "team", which has NOT been done. Scumbags TARGET people with mental illness because they are at a low point. Scumbags will take advantage of them monetarily. These scum pay themselves and their friends to "care for" the person.

Maybe you could sue the people who deliberately made you lose our temper then jumped you. I feel something similar was done to me. I am trying to get their information because they need to be sued publicly. I have never hired any caregiver but notice someone acting as though she was a "caregiver", which I do not want and was never told about. The person was actually scaring me, always walking near me.

And I am sure I would qualify for medical benefits if I was in a situation where I needed a caregiver with me so I wouldn't pay cash for that. No judge EVER told me I can't live alone.

Even though I enjoy peace and solitude I, like you, feel alone in that someone is getting away with harming me psychologically and probably financially. I never seriously thought of suicide until I noticed these strange things, such as "caregivers" popping out of nowhere. That's enough to drive anybody crazy! Many lies had to be told by people in a position of authority. I know it was politically based then I was thrown into a no win situation not told how to get out. I guess that was their plan. They're telling people I asked for this and forgot??? Really. I can forget my brand new phone number but not a major part of my life. Obviously, if I don't remember I should be told. It's bullshit designed to make me look stupid and insane.

Like you I dread the future as life is now. J feel like my life doesn't belong to me. If that's the case it's not worth living.

The "professional" don't consider everything that's why they give meds that don't work. I really hope you find peace in whatever you decide to do with your life.