Dec 8, 2019
This week I've just received wonderful news regarding my housing. My housing is everything for me and the foundation in which ive been wanting to build on.

Sooo yayyy!!! Exciting right?

Sure I guess. I'm not feeling it though. The excitenr feels as usual influenced by mental health professionals.

It's not their life so they don't have to be worried about the fact that I'm trying to move and go no contact for good with my family. I need Internet and a new phone plan.
BUT. I have shit credit.

I have to go view it BUT it hours away and I'd needa spend an overnight.

Which costs money. I'm still paying rent here where I am. I still have to look into moving costs and all that.

Most I'm getting help with is some furniture. I don't have high hopes for that either bc they'll literally just give anything to people.

Honestly, my energy is just so fucking low. Not physical but my mental.

God I'm so so so ready to just fucking die this life gives me a big headache. So much thinking and unrealistic expectations

I'm posting I'm the more general (?) Part of the thread bc I'd actually like to hear from others. I'm lonely in that I'm sick of feeling alone even in spaces where I'm supposed to be "supported" (which is basically my whole life)

I've finally been given the ONE THING I've wanted and it doesn't mean anything....

I've been feeling this for years but under a mental health frame that kinda thinking doesn't work/ just equals rejection but
Sometimes things happen too late.

I dunno what ima do but it won't be what anyone else wants anymore. I won't be making decisions that make me easier to digest.

Ps. As usual I'm writing from my phone and I'm not spell checking or anything. I can write properly when I choose to.