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Serial Experi Pain

Serial Experi Pain

I hate me more :P
Sep 12, 2023
80
Someone sprung it on me that they "love me", tonight... I often tell them how I feel about not wanting to be alive/exist. It was very sudden and now I feel very guilty. I kind of already thought they did to an extent, but not love. I told him from the start I did not/was not seeking a relationship... I've been abused a lot, and I had/have no idea if I really want to stick around and exist.

We have never met, but have spoken all day every day since last March. I don't feel any better after he has told me this in a voice message. He said he wanted to say it in case something did happen. He's genuinely a fantastic person, but he could do a lot better, and I think I've explained that to him at least 50 times.
Who would want someone who can't be happy and is miserable all of the time? I think I'm physically gross for a million reasons. Now I don't know if I could even meet him, because it feels like that much more pressure to be perfect, something I am not and never will be. I push people away regularly and have already nearly done it to this person a few times.
I really don't think I would be a positive in someones life for very long as far as relationships go. I feel like they would get tired of me. I really thought he was going to tell me that he was sorry, but I was unhealthy for his mental state and he would no longer be able to talk to me, tbh.
He spoils me. I have never in my life been treated kindly, but he sends me lavish, thoughtful, and wonderful gifts. I have told him it isn't required, his friendship and ear are far more than enough, and have even reimbursed him some because I do not feel even remotely close to worthy of anything he sends me. Before him, I never let anyone send me anything, but he had made a very special gift by hand that really meant a lot to me, so I gave him my address and he has sent me things I am not worthy of having since.

I've never even had a boyfriend treat me this well in my lifetime.
I feel like there's some catch. I feel like he must have some idea of me that is far beyond anything that I actually am or could be. It hurts.
 
T

timf

Enlightened
Mar 26, 2020
1,116
Sometimes people feel they need to rebuff the affection of others because to accept it might leave them vulnerable to possible hurt.

Since you have been in communication since March, you might see in this relationship the possibility of both learning how to receive love as well as give it. Even if the relationship sours or ends, you would leave it in a better position than you started.

You might ask yourself if your fears were realized and you were treated poorly, would you be any worse off than you are now.
 

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