Venting there's no place for "us" here.

[hopelesscore]

most people would say i have a wonderful life. i have parents who still care for me even though they're divorced. i have a present family. i have lovely best friends. i even have a beautiful girlfriend who loves me very, very much and have always been there for me no matter what. my living situation isn't so bad either,— even with various debts here and there— i still have a roof over my head and food to eat. i even got into a top university in my country.

and yet i still feel like i will never belong in this world, no matter how hard i tried to fit in. i know i have to die as soon as possible, have known since i was a small child. maybe it's clinical depression, or genetic, no idea. but i've always had this gnawing feeling for as long as i remember, despite being so privileged. it's shameful how ungrateful i am, and i've really tried to feel better... to no avail.

well, this feeling of not belonging might be amplified by the fact that i live in a heavily conservative country and family. i was raised very religious, and yet i still turned out queer. this might sound silly, but it's genuinely life ruining if, god forbid, my family ever figure it out before i'm fully independent. my family have said that they will literally kill me if i turn out to be gay.

even now that they have no idea about my queerness, my father still want to bar me from pursuing university just because i've decided to not wear a piece of religious clothing (not disclosing the religion, but i'm sure you can guess). i know it's ultimately out of love and care, but it still makes me feel like i mean nothing more than how i look. and it adds to that feeling of alienation from this world. if even my blood can't accept me for who i am, who would?

this isn't all that made me depressed, but it's the latest that made me relapsed. i know my problems seem insignificant compared to others... yet, it still makes me feel like this. deep down, i know i don't want to die, but lately i've been considering ctb more and more. even with still so much to do in my life, i just can't bear the burden of it any longer. unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), i don't have the perfect place to do it yet. that, and i still have my girlfriend.

she knows of my suicidal tendencies (she's suicidal herself), and she noticed i've considered ctb lately. we're in a long distance due to university right now, so she made me promise that we will meet again in a few months when we have our a semester break. i don't want to break our promise... i really, really don't. it's just been harder to keep it lately with everything going on in my life. it's very selfish, i know, and i really wish i can keep going, but i just... don't think i can. not like this. but it's not like i want to leave her alone, in a place where she too feels like she doesn't belong without me.

i'm so tired. i don't know what to do. i don't want to tell her about my problems yet because i know it'll become a burden in her mind, and i want her to enjoy her life to the fullest. it will be extremely evil for me to take away her happiness right now. but i don't think i can handle it any longer. i know right now it's just me being dramatic, and i'll continue living anyways, but i wonder if she'll accept if i propose a double suicide to her.

after all, there's really no place for us here.

 

[InfatuatedLove]

materialistic solutions can only take you so far, dont blame yourself.

 

[FF777]

unfortunately it sounds like you were dealt some overly religious parents or some thing.. they don't understand that sexual attraction is very much hard-wired in your brain and people don't just arbitrarily choose to be gay one day for no reason..

i don't know your exact situation but you probably just need to keep hiding it until you can manage to like elope with your girlfriend or at least be able to move in to some place with a room-mate (it's probably too hard trying to rent a place on your own just with your own income these days).. CTB seems kind of extreme because even if you weren't gay you would still eventually end up moving out on your own and not living with parents your entire life..

religions are sort of like mind viruses some times; it gets in to your brain and causes weird beliefs about how the universe works and causes a person to operate in a way that they normally wouldn't.. a normal person wouldn't care if you are wearing a shirt with a cross design (or what ever they expected you to wear) or not, you know?.. i'm kind of obstinate but my attitude towards it would be kind of like: okay your little invisible god that you think is giving you commands takes priority and is more important than your own daughter? okay disown me if you want and you guys lose your daughter (because you would be living with some other person/people at this point).. you know what i mean? THEY are the ones that can suffer from grappling with losing their daughter and be distraught about it, but it is still them that are the ones deciding they want to disown you, so like okay that's your choice retards.. it's them choosing their religion over you.. so even though it might hurt you too i would focus on how much it is hurting them and how THEY are the ones instigating it.. it isn't you causing the problem.. they could just be okay with you being gay if they really wanted to but if it is such a big deal who want to date then they can be the ones to suffer..... that's my attitude towards it any way.. but i've kind of become jaded from dealing with so much various bullcrap from people in my life and i don't have time to play games or take much crap from people any more.. they need to understand that you can't just change your self in to being straight, but their mind virus makes them think you just woke up one day and decided to worship satan by being gay for no reason just to cause trouble.. it's a very narrow way of thinking.. Even though you are their daughter you are still your own person and they don't have autonomy to drop in to your sexual life and start dictating commands about who you are allowed to find attractive and who you aren't.. "hey you should be attracted to this certain guy, because he's a guy and that's what jesus said you should be attracted to!".. lol..

i have a dad that is completely a bible-thumping person, even though he didn't used to be so hardcore in to christianity but i guess he is now.. but my parents divorced when i was 1.5 years old any way so it isn't like i've had to live with him all the time.. but when i do visit him still (about once or twice a year these days) he preaches at me and tells me how horrible heck is going to be if i don't accept jesus.. I don't know why he is still preaching though because i've always told him i'm christian.. but in reality i've never been christian.. i've been alive for 44 years now (yeah i'm old) and my dad still believes i've been christian all this time.. it shouldn't be super hard to hide for now, and you might even consider compromising (wearing what ever religious junk they want you to) for now just to make it easy on your self for now until you can hatch a plan later where you get a place of your own with friends (they don't have to know your girlfriend isn't just a room-mate friend) and like......... heck i guess you could just keep hiding it for as long as possible if you wanted, because after you move out you really don't have to interact with your parents all the time any more like you constantly have to now.. but don't CTB if you are still young right now because your life is going to end up changing a lot and freedom is going to open up for you if you can manage to get an income stream and also move out with some type of room-mates.. you would be sacrificing way too much of your life for a stupid reason (their religious bullcrap) if you caught the bus now..

oh and by the way, i would tell your girlfriend about your predicament.. she'd probably want to know what you are going through.. she is supposed to be the closest person to you that you can tell any thing too.. And if it was her that was secretly suffering through some stuff and had to try to do it alone, wouldn't you want her to confide in you instead of bottle it up and try to deal with it all on her own just so she wouldn't "burden" you with her tough situation?..

any way if you keep a cool head and think about things and the big picture then hopefully you can get through this situation some how and hatch some good master plans about what to do and how to navigate through this arc of your life.. it won't be for ever and parts of it won't be easy but friends are the family we choose for our selves and i believe you are strong and can power through what ever ordeals stand in your way if you put your mind and will power to it..

 

[bagel12]

it's shameful how ungrateful i am

i know my problems seem insignificant compared to others

you're not ungrateful, or shameful, and your problems aren't insignificant. being privileged in some ways doesn't mean that you can't struggle with mental health. living within a family, society, and religion that don't accept you for who you are sounds immensely isolating, no wonder you feel this way. i also imagine that the stress of staying closeted may take a toll.

ever since i was a little kid, it's been obvious to others that im a lesbian. i used to get a lot of public harassment, slurs, threats, getting kicked out of public restrooms, etc, and some mild homophobia from friends and family. the environment around me constantly reminded me that i was disliked for an inherent aspect of myself, i was always the odd one out. after a few years, i was able to move to a more accepting place, and it has helped me a lot. i still get harassed sometimes, and i still have mental health issues, but i dont feel the acute sense of alienation that i used to feel, and my self esteem has improved. im also very lucky that i was able to ditch the homophobic people, and that other loved ones evolved to accept me. all of this is to say, would you have the possibility of saving up, becoming financially independent, and moving somewhere that's more accepting in the future?

and yet i still feel like i will never belong in this world, no matter how hard i tried to fit in. i know i have to die as soon as possible, have known since i was a small child. maybe it's clinical depression, or genetic, no idea. but i've always had this gnawing feeling for as long as i remember, despite being so privileged.

i relate to this a lot, i started feeling this way as a very young child. this is just me, but it turns out i was autistic. for me, that explained why i never felt like i belonged, why i felt overwhelmed by everything, and why i felt completely incompatible with life. the desire to ctb is still there, but it has decreased a lot because i was able to adjust my life to better accommodate my autism and adhd. for example, when i started wearing earplugs more and i started to set aside time for myself every day to decompress in a dark quiet room, strangely enough my desire to ctb reduced a lot. also, seeking out more autistic friends helped me too, i feel like i belong when im around them. maybe there are similar things in your life that could be contributing to feeling overwhelmed or not belonging in the world. are you able to safely seek out mental help treatment, or message a mental health hotline? i also think it would be a good idea to talk to your girlfriend abouthow you're feeling, if you're comfortable with it.

mostly though i just wanted to say that i'm sorry you're going through this

 

[hopelesscore]

...any way if you keep a cool head and think about things and the big picture then hopefully you can get through this situation some how and hatch some good master plans about what to do and how to navigate through this arc of your life.. it won't be for ever and parts of it won't be easy but friends are the family we choose for our selves and i believe you are strong and can power through what ever ordeals stand in your way if you put your mind and will power to it..

ahh you don't know how much your words, especially as an older person, meant to me.... thank you so much :( i am considering wearing that "religious junk", no matter how bad it feels right now, at least until i can be financially independent (hopefully sooner through scolarship). i will also tell my gf about this situation bcs you're right, if this happened to her i would rather she confide in me. again thank you for your encouragement, and i'm sorry to hear that even you had to hide yourself to be safe... hope whatever path you chose goes well <3

 

[hopelesscore]

you're not ungrateful, or shameful, and your problems aren't insignificant. being privileged in some ways doesn't mean that you can't struggle with mental health.

thank you for your kind words.... i genuinely struggled to accept that being privileged doesn't mean i can't have issues.

all of this is to say, would you have the possibility of saving up, becoming financially independent, and moving somewhere that's more accepting in the future?

of course there's always that possibility, and i'm actively working towards it even when sometimes hindered by my worsening mental health. i'm sorry to hear that you went through homophobia yourself, but your story gave me hope that there might really be a better place if i keep living </3

i relate to this a lot, i started feeling this way as a very young child. this is just me, but it turns out i was autistic.

i'm glad you're able to get diagnosed and have adjusted better to your life now, even decreasing your desire to ctb :]

are you able to safely seek out mental help treatment, or message a mental health hotline? i also think it would be a good idea to talk to your girlfriend about how you're feeling, if you're comfortable with it.

unfortunately, mental health treatment or getting a diagnosis is not only very expensive, but could potentially hinder job-seeking in my country... it's very stigmatized and taboo. not to mention that i'm currently not in a safe place to seek for professional help, with my family and what not. i will be talking to my girlfriend about this, though :3

mostly though i just wanted to say that i'm sorry you're going through this

again thank you so, so much for your kind words and encouragement it sucks that i'm gonna have to live like this for now, but your response reminds me that no matter how isolated i feel right now, i'm never truly alone. so thank you, and i hope whatever path you chose will always bring great joy

 

[bagel12]

thank you for your kind words.... i genuinely struggled to accept that being privileged doesn't mean i can't have issues.


of course there's always that possibility, and i'm actively working towards it even when sometimes hindered by my worsening mental health. i'm sorry to hear that you went through homophobia yourself, but your story gave me hope that there might really be a better place if i keep living </3


i'm glad you're able to get diagnosed and have adjusted better to your life now, even decreasing your desire to ctb :]


unfortunately, mental health treatment or getting a diagnosis is not only very expensive, but could potentially hinder job-seeking in my country... it's very stigmatized and taboo. not to mention that i'm currently not in a safe place to seek for professional help, with my family and what not. i will be talking to my girlfriend about this, though :3


again thank you so, so much for your kind words and encouragement it sucks that i'm gonna have to live like this for now, but your response reminds me that no matter how isolated i feel right now, i'm never truly alone. so thank you, and i hope whatever path you chose will always bring great joy

i'm glad that i could be helpful, and i truly am sorry that you have to live this way for now i know it doesn't make things easier in the moment, but i guess i'm just trying to say that even though it may feel bleak right now, i sincerely hope and believe that one day in the future, a happier life will be within reach for you. i am really glad to hear that you plan on talking to your girlfriend about this, it sounds like a lot for one person to carry alone.

i completely understand if these resources are not possible to access due to your country's situation or your family, but i wanted to mention them: there are free anonymous websites and online chats that some people use to get mental health help. there are also free therapy workbooks online that i have found helpful for myself since i cannot see a therapist. if these sites are blocked by your country, a vpn could be a good idea, just make sure to choose a reputable option that doesn't store logs of user data or sell user data. (i know i am giving unsolicited advice here, so please disregard this paragraph if it's not useful.)

stay strong, and please treat yourself with kindness during this difficult time i wish you the best of luck