Story There is something that I still love in this useless world

[LonelyStarrySky]

Despite being so depressed, loneliness consuming me endlessly I fall into the depths of despair which haunts me every day in this miserable existence. I really have decied that I am not going to live in this world anymore, and could not find less happiness inside of this world. I know I will be contempt once I CTB.

However I still have this thing keeping me breathing. The only sancuary I have left in my meaningless life. A place I get to escape to when this world becomes too much for me to bear anymore.

It is the world of art. Things like anime, manga, music and video games are probably the only things that keep me going in a lot of ways. Its just giving me a reason to wake up in the morning because I am excited to watch this anime, or spend time immersing myself into a story of a video game. Every morning I listen to my favourite songs to be able to wake up with them. I am just refreshed and relaxed from the dark thoughts haunting me. During the day I love to research video game lore on internet forums, it really feels like some lost sense in today's world where people mostly don't care about the lore anymore. When nobody really reads anything as well... I especially love late night gaming when its a cozy night and nobody is around and I get to experience life of these fun and interesting characters.

It really helps me to distract from my never ending loneliness and the cruel desire to SH my sad body and keeps me from fully giving up on this useless life. I know many people just don't think this is healthy, but what else do I have to life for? I am going to CTB anyways, so why not just let me have a final breath of fresh air in this meaningless world that I don't care about anyways, those stories mean something to me. It makes me feel less lonely in a way. I really even want to date some of those characters more than I want real people at this point. Because real people will just leave you once you stop being interesting to them and won't accept you if you have mental illness. If thats the fake love I get from those 'real' life people, what difference do I get if I love a fictional character? Their love towards me feels more genuine and unconditional. Something I never got from the people in the real world. What would make that love any less real? Its real to me. I sometimes pretend that I am with them in this fictional world and have fun and wonderfull friendships I will never be able to form with anyone. I know this is really escapist and sounds like the "isekai" trope but its not really that I care anymore. Its my form of coping with abanondment and being left to rott by everyone.

I have so many of these media planned that I won't be able to enjoy all of it before I eventually get tired of this life and CTB. But they will be keeping me company for the time being, I will experience what it feels to live a life that I have will never lead, what adventures and stories feel like. What it feels to truly have friendships. All the things I will never have. And for my final wish, I really wish that if there ever was some kind of after life when I die, that it is set in one of those fun worlds, not a world like this one. That I at least get to spectate a world and a story that interesting. Maybe even some kind of place where I don't have anything to do and live for but to just experience the rest of those medias and my consciosness ceases to exist after that. I know that this is crazy dreaming, but it would be so cool that after I CTB I would wake up lying on the grass inside a flower field of a new world. I know that would also be meaningless and useless at the end of the day, and I would still wish to fade from existence one day, despite all the fun those things would be. However I love the thought anyways.

 

[user56765567]

As long as it means something to you at the end of the day thats all thats should matter and if thats helping you feel better then more power to you.

I still watch anime from time to time and always like finding a gem in the dust to watch myself but I really am a sucker for those romance ones myself.

That one thing that you said that kinda hit close to home for me and I couldn't have said it better myself is if fake people can give real love but real people can give fake love than whats the difference?

Thanks for sharing.

 

[KayGee147]

The world and its nature is a wonderful place.

People and circumstances make it not so.

Even though i dont know you and probably never will, I'm happy that you've found your outlet. Something that makes you happy and gives you that safe, warm outlet away from the bad thoughts.

We are all only one decision away from CTB, so for the time being stick with your art and enjoy being around.

 

[aquasaltstripes]

What a beautiful and well-articulated post. Puts all my thoughts and feelings about escapism and art and stuff into words perfectly. And yeah, I don't really care either if living in escapism is pathetic or unhealthy or whatever: It keeps, or at least kept me alive (it feels weird talking about my life in the past tense like that, that's the stage I'm at ;P) and somewhat happy and made me feel safe and heard and understood and warm.

Two of my favorite albums of all time are "Peaceful as Hell" and "Forget Your Own Face," both by a band called "Black Dresses," a duo made of a transbian couple. They get a lot into art as an escape or safe haven or bridge across the hell of the world and loneliness or the main glue that holds them together. (Lots of themes of queerness too, which means the world cuz I'm queer lol.)

E.g. lyrics from their song "666":

Even in hell
Sound spirals down
Alone in our torment
Our songs can reach to each other
Even in the void
Words bounce around
Echoes compound into another world
That we can escape to
That we can escape to
At least I hope there's somewhere left to go
And that we can all make it through

From their song "nightwish":

Stars shooting overhead as evеrything in the universe falls apart
How romantic, like kissing under fireworks, but...
As our bodies burn to light
As our bodies turn to raw energy with no identity, uh...
Let's meet back here again
We can do a little show
We can sing a couple songs
We can fight over how the songs go
I know it's not much
For all the things in the world
Not much, but let's just have-

Let's just still try to have fun

Also in their song "doomspiral" they talk about how they'll meet each other at the end of time, which makes me so sad but in a good raw alive kind of way I guess ;D

I guess what they're saying or how I interpret these songs is that art is a lighthouse in the rest of the shitty turbulent sea of life. I guess us people here on this forum are just much closer to crossing the bar, as the saying goes. There's a million analogies you can describe it with, but I like that one quite a bit.