Venting There is something deeply wrong with me and I’m a danger to everyone I know

[turbomightbegone]

what the actual hell is wrong with me

like seriously what the hell is wrong with me and why do i want to hurt everyone and everything

i definitely have some form of anger issues, I've figured that out already. BUT WHAT ELSE IS THERE???? I cant get a proper diagnosis, thanks to my family, but I feel like i have several disorders scrambling around in my brain right now

i cant get these disgusting thoughts out of my head, they keep telling me to do the most sickest things and I hate it I HATE IT

WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SMASHING EVERYONE'S HEAD IN WITH A PLANK OF WOOD WHY AM I STARTING TO LIKE THE MOST DISGUSTING CRAP ALIVE WHY CANT I JUST BE A NORMAL PERSON WHY MUST I BE SO TWISTED AND PROBLEMATIC WHY CANT I WORK ANYMORE WHY DO I KEEP SEEING MYSELF COMMITTING THE MOST HORRENDOUS ACTS WHY AM I LITERALLY GODDAMN STARTING TO CONSIDER ROMANTICISING MY OWN MENTAL HEALTH AND SEVERE PROBLEMS WHY AM I LIKE THIS I DONT WANT TO BE LIKE THIS PLEASE

IVE EVEN MANAGED TO DEVELOP FEELINGS FOR A MINOR (age gap 4-5 years) LAST YEAR I ACTUALLY HATE THIS I DONT WANT TO BE LIKE THIS WHY AM I LIKE THIS

AM I A PYSCHOPATH OR SOMETHING??? IS THAT WHAT IT IS??? WHY CANT I FEEL REMORSE ANYMORE?? WHY CANT I CARE FOR MY FRIENDS ANYMORE??? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

EVERY SINGLE DAY I WAKE UP AND I JUST WANT TO BREAK SOMETHING OR KILL SOMEBODY

THIS FAMILY IS DRIVING ME INSANE THEY LITERALLY NEVER SHUT UP ABOUT MY ART I JUST WANT TO STAB THEM REPEATEDLY I WANT TO SLAM A HOT PAN IN THEIR FACE I WANT TO SET THEM ON FIRE I JUST WANT THEM TO LEAVE ME ALONE

WHY CANT THEY UNDERSTAND THAT IM SEPARATING MYSELF AWAY FROM THEM BECAUSE IM SCARED I'D JUST MUTILATE THEM OR SOMETHING

MY BODY HATES PAIN BUT MY MIND CRAVES IT I CANT STOP THROWING MYSELF AGAINST THE WALLS I HAVE BRUISES ALL OVER MY LIMBS AND IT HURTS TO MOVE THEM

WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING AT MY FRIENDS THEYRE THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO CARE AND LOVE ME AND YET WHEN I MESS UP ONCE IN FRONT OF THEM I JUST WANT TO YELL THEYRE LITERALLY HELPING ME WHY AM I SO ANGRY AT EVERYONE

WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE EVERYONE IS STARING AND JUDGING ME I CAN FEEL THEM TALKING ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK AND IT MAKES ME WANT TO SET THE ENTIRE PLACE ABLAZE

I DONT WANT TO BE LIKE THIS

I DONT WANT TO BE THIS PROBLEMATIC CARELESS MONSTER THAT KILLS EVERYONE AROUND THEM I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY

IM SCARED I FEEL LIKE IM GOING TO HURT EVERYONE I DONT WANT THAT I DONG WANT TO HURT PEOPLE PLEASE

I DONT WANT TO GO TO A PRISON OR MENTAL HOSPITAL IM SO SCARED I DONT WANT TO BE PUMPED WITH MEDS AND BE REDUCED TO A LIVING ORGANISM WITH A DESTROYED BRAIN PLEASE I DONT WANT TO GO

EVERY DAY I FEEL LIKE DOING CBT BUT I REALLY DONT WANT TO RESORT TO THAT ITS GOING TO HURT MY FRIENDS BUT IM A DANGER TO EVERYONE AROUND ME MAYBE ITS FOR THE BEST

I JUST WANT TO SLEEP PLEASE WHY CANT MY BRAIN SHUT THE HELL UP

I FUCKING HATE MYSELF

 

[idk3]

I know you don't want to be pumped full of meds, but I think at this point you need to be taking something to help out.

I remember having a breakdown and within an hour of taking clonazepam, I felt so relaxed.

Hopefully you reconsider and go see a GP or something.