There is someone corrosive to my self-esteem

[noname223]

There is this David Foster Wallace quote and it is true. It is from Oblivion.

"It is a fact of life that certain people are corrosive to others' self esteem simply as a function of who and what they are."

For me it is this quantum physics professor I met in a clinic. He was beyond ivy league educated, the smartest person I ever talked with in my whole life. He did not consider me smart. I think he considered me arrogant too obsessed with intelligence which is true. And he was extremely down to earth. He did not pride himself on it in any way with it. He did not care about this at all.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I agree with the quote but in my experience, those people deliberately go out their way to harm others. I would tend to believe those sorts of people have things like NPD. Narcissists can literally lie about you, gas light you into believing you had said or done certain things, turn others against you, destroy your reputation. Do their darndest to destroy your life.

From what you've described about your physics tutor, he was someone you immensely admired. Perhaps even hero worshipped. It's kind of natural then that you hoped he would have a similarly high opinion of you. I experienced the same by the way- a tutor I thought was pretty much God level talented. But, both of us were disappointed when they didn't seem to appreciate us as we'd hoped.

Did he/ they do it deliberately though? Do you feel like he deliberately took you down a peg or, tried to humilate or humble you? Was that done with malice do you suppose?

I tend to think that some people genuinely are toxic. They can't seem to help themselves but hate on others and do all they can to destroy them. It almost seems like a need they have. Not to say it's entirely their fault. Narcissism forms for a reason. But still, I do truly wonder if they can function without being like that. But then, I'm not a fan of determinism either. I still think we have awareness and therefore, choice before we undertake harmful actions.

With our tutors though. I tend to feel like I must admit that it's my fault I had such a hurt reaction. My tutor couldn't help being a genius (in my eyes.) Also- why should they return my admiration? They've taught hundreds of people by now. Many of whom were far more talented than me. Why should they think I was special? What do they owe us? Just because we hero worship them?

Mine didn't exactly put me down but, they massively favoured a friend as it happens. They clearly got on with them far better and, saw something special in them. I was horribly jealous because being good in that subject was so important to me. But, my friend deserved it. They were/ are hugely talented. They also had a very good collaborative work attitude- which I don't. Plus, as a person, they probably just got on better. I think I came across as too weirdly keen to please and impress. That's on me though- not the tutor. My bad reaction in wanting so badly to be praised and liked by someone I rated so highly but being disappointed. That's my feeling anyway.

Some people genuinely go out their way to be toxic. As for others, we may have an insecurity that is inflamed by being around them. Some of course have both going on though so- perhaps you're right- if you believe your tutor actively tried to belittle you.

 

[bankai]

There is this David Foster Wallace quote and it is true. It is from Oblivion.

"It is a fact of life that certain people are corrosive to others' self esteem simply as a function of who and what they are."

For me it is this quantum physics professor I met in a clinic. He was beyond ivy league educated, the smartest person I ever talked with in my whole life. He did not consider me smart. I think he considered me arrogant too obsessed with intelligence which is true. And he was extremely down to earth. He did not pride himself on it in any way with it. He did not care about this at all.

I was pretty sure it was going to be a woman. I'm really surprised.

I'm kidding,kidding.

Some people, especially the smart ones, can be pretty eccentric. And some of them don't care about what people conventionally care about.

Look at grigori perelman.He rejected the Fields Medal. The Fields Medal!It's awarded to distinguished mathematicians only once every four years.

 

[noname223]

I agree with the quote but in my experience, those people deliberately go out their way to harm others. I would tend to believe those sorts of people have things like NPD. Narcissists can literally lie about you, gas light you into believing you had said or done certain things, turn others against you, destroy your reputation. Do their darndest to destroy your life.

From what you've described about your physics tutor, he was someone you immensely admired. Perhaps even hero worshipped. It's kind of natural then that you hoped he would have a similarly high opinion of you. I experienced the same by the way- a tutor I thought was pretty much God level talented. But, both of us were disappointed when they didn't seem to appreciate us as we'd hoped.

Did he/ they do it deliberately though? Do you feel like he deliberately took you down a peg or, tried to humilate or humble you? Was that done with malice do you suppose?

I tend to think that some people genuinely are toxic. They can't seem to help themselves but hate on others and do all they can to destroy them. It almost seems like a need they have. Not to say it's entirely their fault. Narcissism forms for a reason. But still, I do truly wonder if they can function without being like that. But then, I'm not a fan of determinism either. I still think we have awareness and therefore, choice before we undertake harmful actions.

With our tutors though. I tend to feel like I must admit that it's my fault I had such a hurt reaction. My tutor couldn't help being a genius (in my eyes.) Also- why should they return my admiration? They've taught hundreds of people by now. Many of whom were far more talented than me. Why should they think I was special? What do they owe us? Just because we hero worship them?

Mine didn't exactly put me down but, they massively favoured a friend as it happens. They clearly got on with them far better and, saw something special in them. I was horribly jealous because being good in that subject was so important to me. But, my friend deserved it. They were/ are hugely talented. They also had a very good collaborative work attitude- which I don't. Plus, as a person, they probably just got on better. I think I came across as too weirdly keen to please and impress. That's on me though- not the tutor. My bad reaction in wanting so badly to be praised and liked by someone I rated so highly but being disappointed. That's my feeling anyway.

Some people genuinely go out their way to be toxic. As for others, we may have an insecurity that is inflamed by being around them. Some of course have both going on though so- perhaps you're right- if you believe your tutor actively tried to belittle you.

I don't think He did it deliberately or with malice. He genuinely tried to come up with an honest compliment for me and could not come up with any. He said we compliment each other in a good way. Meaning He is good and I am bad when it comes to knowledge and attitudes. But He did not say the last part explicitly.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't think He did it deliberately or with malice. He genuinely tried to come up with an honest compliment for me and could not come up with any. He said we compliment each other in a good way. Meaning He is good and I am bad when it comes to knowledge and attitudes. But He did not say the last part explicitly.

I'm not sure why you interpret his opinion of you as 'bad'. Maybe he still believes his way of thinking is superior but, it's still an acknowledgement that your way of thinking is still important.

Why is your way of thinking so different anyway? Isn't it more about a knowledge gap? Simply that he's had the time to acquire more knowledge so, can argue his points better? Was his 'criticism' that you argue with passion but perhaps without all the facts necessary to support that?

I still tend to think it's because you clearly have such high regard for him so, it hurts when ge doesn't reciprocate to the same level. If you're an all or nothing person- as I tend to be, that can feel more devastating than it probably is intended.

Maybe the unfortunate reality is that these tutors don't hate us. They probably don't even think we are rubbish. It's just that we don't impress them as much as we'd like to. So, we're of little consequence to them, when we desperately want to be.

Why that is so important to us of course may point more towards people who have actually knowingly damaged our self esteem- which is why it's maybe become so important to us to have it bolstered by others.

 

[Mr. Snrub]

I can relate. I figure that we make a significant portion of our cognitive capacity unavailable for use when we're already working with a severe deficit of self esteem. Add to that a pre-occupation with appearing intelligent and the anxiety that comes with it and there's not a lot of mental energy left over for productive use of our faculties or even clear expression of our thoughts. Of course I do question if this is just a re-assuring lie that I tell myself.

I also highy value intelligence as a trait but I believe I'm of fairly average intelligence myself. Perhaps below average. I don't know because I'm so obsessed with it that I'm afraid to rigorously test my own IQ. I also despise this about myself but am unable to do anything about the way I function. Naturally.

I tend to value kindness and compassion more than intelligence in others, which probably doesn't say anything flattering about me. Perhaps I just always like to think I'm the smartest person in the room. I have no creative work or pretty much fucking anything I've added to the world to back up this notion but in my own head I'm some sort of special genius. Or at least I desperately want to be.

I don't like myself in general but this whole deal around intelligence and the way I think about it is something I really wish I could change about myself. It's a horrible waste of whatever brainpower I do possess. It's also something I would find really off putting in others if I could tell this is what they were thinking. No offence.