letdown
one day i am gonna grow wings
- Feb 22, 2024
- 29
on paper, all is good. i am out of the horrible conservatorship i was in a couple months ago. im free to do as i please, spend my money where i want, i am not controlled by an abusive POS anymore. i should be happy, or at least happier. im really not.
no one around me understands how i could be unhappy. i have money, freedom, stability. i have things that many would kill to have, things i would have killed to have a couple months ago. but at the end of the day i feel i truly have nothing.
i just can't seem to move past all the bad stuff i've been through, it's so frustrating. i have flashbacks constantly, i starve myself, i cut myself. i feel like i have a pathetic existence. i just want to feel better, and everything i do to try and feel better makes it worse. i just feel like i don't have any other options. i've been doing some of these unhealthy coping stuff since before i can remember, its very depressing.
there are a few things im waiting on. not so much looking forward to, but i just gotta see what happens before i die. i applied to med school a while back on a long shot, didn't tell anyone, did the interviews in late winter/early spring. october is the soonest i'll figure out if i got in. i don't think i did. but it would suck to permanently disable myself in an attempt and not be able to attend. it's a slim chance, i feel stupid for even having an inkling of hope they would let me in. but being human is annoying like that. i haven't told a soul i applied, so you guys better not tell anyone. i think it'll be bad luck if i tell the people in my life about it.
right now im just passively suicidal. doing stupid and reckless shit in the hopes of just dying. i feel awful and have no idea why. i have crippling insomnia and often sleep only when i pass out. i feel so fat even though im underweight, and go to bed hoping i either lose 10 pounds the next morning or i die in my sleep. i am disfigured because i have cut myself nearly everyday for so many years. i wake up in strange places with people i've never met calling me names i've never heard. i'd be a terrible doctor.
i feel a sense of relief and disgust thinking this is the condition i die in.
no one around me understands how i could be unhappy. i have money, freedom, stability. i have things that many would kill to have, things i would have killed to have a couple months ago. but at the end of the day i feel i truly have nothing.
i just can't seem to move past all the bad stuff i've been through, it's so frustrating. i have flashbacks constantly, i starve myself, i cut myself. i feel like i have a pathetic existence. i just want to feel better, and everything i do to try and feel better makes it worse. i just feel like i don't have any other options. i've been doing some of these unhealthy coping stuff since before i can remember, its very depressing.
there are a few things im waiting on. not so much looking forward to, but i just gotta see what happens before i die. i applied to med school a while back on a long shot, didn't tell anyone, did the interviews in late winter/early spring. october is the soonest i'll figure out if i got in. i don't think i did. but it would suck to permanently disable myself in an attempt and not be able to attend. it's a slim chance, i feel stupid for even having an inkling of hope they would let me in. but being human is annoying like that. i haven't told a soul i applied, so you guys better not tell anyone. i think it'll be bad luck if i tell the people in my life about it.
right now im just passively suicidal. doing stupid and reckless shit in the hopes of just dying. i feel awful and have no idea why. i have crippling insomnia and often sleep only when i pass out. i feel so fat even though im underweight, and go to bed hoping i either lose 10 pounds the next morning or i die in my sleep. i am disfigured because i have cut myself nearly everyday for so many years. i wake up in strange places with people i've never met calling me names i've never heard. i'd be a terrible doctor.
i feel a sense of relief and disgust thinking this is the condition i die in.
