I currently try to live without the addictive medication. And I barely slept the two last days because of it. Today I take it again. I am switching between manic, psychotic and depressive symptoms way too often within the day. It feels pretty fucked up and I am scared to relapse.
Honestly if I relapse then roundabout 2 years extreme psychosomatic pain will await me. And honestly it is just not worth to endure that once again. My life is a mess. I have very good grades in college but this is worth nothing because I cannot hold a job. I am mentally extremely fragile. I think poverty will drive me to commit suicide. The rest of my family lives in a dream world and I just let them. Sooner or later they will realize how severely fucked we are. Especially financially.
I have a huge desire for a partner. Though I become psychotic even when I only think about girls I would like to approach. And honestly in this instance it has become way worse within the last years. (not better)
I think for happiness (or at least surviving) a life should be built on many pillars. And my life barely has such. The lattest point when I will kill myself is when my parents die. I am way too fragile to manage my life on my own. Without the support I will kill myself pretty quickly. Two therapists of mine came to the same conclusion. So the financials are fucked. I will probably never have a girlfriend. These two are like death sentences but it comes way worse.
My mental health is a mess. I have bipolar, had psychosis, my nervous system is deeply fucked, I have anxiety and OCD. My consciousness is just a torturing machine. Some years ago I was in a mental hospital after my second psychosis. I was acute suicidal. After approaching methods I became scared and wanted to give life another shot. I promised myself not to give up already.
Within the years I tried so much shit. And like 90% failed. The situation is so fucking desperate. My attempts to get a gf always end that I humiliate myself. College is so ridiculous. People admire my stamina and intelligence in college. It is all fake. I am an overachiever. On the inside I feel nightmarish.
I barely have any reasons not to kill myself if I relapse. My friends are the greatest gift I received in my life. Though I don't want to live solely for the purpose to do it for others. It is shocking how early I totally collapsed when I tried to work. I am pretty sure I won't be able to hold a job. Approaching women often ends up with getting psychotic symptoms and everything backfires.
My situation is hopeless. I will fight till I collapse but there is not anything that keeps me going beyond that. The current life quality that I have is the best within the last 5 years and I still hate my life so fucking much. My "life quality" is a joke and the worst is yet to come.
I am just so sick of it. In case I relapse I might reach a new level of my suicidality. So far I communicated my suicidality to my family or therapists. But I don't want to endure all of this once again. I was 7 times in clinics during the 8 years. I have tried psychotherapy 3 times and I tried so fucking much medication. Of course my requests for assisted suicide are rejected from all psychiatrists to whom I talked so far.
I think I reach a point where talking about suicide is not enough for me anymore. I suffer a lot currently. I have to shield my mom of that because she had a stroke recently. I think in case I relapse I will try to hide my pain from them while planning my suicide. I hope I still can postpone that. But in case I relapse I try to kill myself with SN. It will be pretty difficult but the urge to do it will be huge. I don't see any real rational and substantial reasons not do it. My future prospects are horrendous. Therapists already gave me up. And it is true I am lost. I cannot win this game anymore. Everything was rigged against me right in front of the start. I don't really regret anything. I could not do anything against the child abuse from my mom. And then I got bullied in school because the domestic violence made me a mess.
The society or at least a huge part of the elite deny that cases like mine exist. Things that should not be such a cruel fate must not exist. Though they make everything worse because people like me have to choose violent or unsafe methods. It is all so cruel.
I am so fucking scared about the insane pain that awaits me after a relapse. That was way worse than death. I wish there was a way for me to live. I would even take a mediocre life. Though my life is a hellhole. And I just cannot endure that way longer.
As I said I try to postpone that hell breaks loose. But it is only a matter of time that it will all crash eventually...
Honestly if I relapse then roundabout 2 years extreme psychosomatic pain will await me. And honestly it is just not worth to endure that once again. My life is a mess. I have very good grades in college but this is worth nothing because I cannot hold a job. I am mentally extremely fragile. I think poverty will drive me to commit suicide. The rest of my family lives in a dream world and I just let them. Sooner or later they will realize how severely fucked we are. Especially financially.
I have a huge desire for a partner. Though I become psychotic even when I only think about girls I would like to approach. And honestly in this instance it has become way worse within the last years. (not better)
I think for happiness (or at least surviving) a life should be built on many pillars. And my life barely has such. The lattest point when I will kill myself is when my parents die. I am way too fragile to manage my life on my own. Without the support I will kill myself pretty quickly. Two therapists of mine came to the same conclusion. So the financials are fucked. I will probably never have a girlfriend. These two are like death sentences but it comes way worse.
My mental health is a mess. I have bipolar, had psychosis, my nervous system is deeply fucked, I have anxiety and OCD. My consciousness is just a torturing machine. Some years ago I was in a mental hospital after my second psychosis. I was acute suicidal. After approaching methods I became scared and wanted to give life another shot. I promised myself not to give up already.
Within the years I tried so much shit. And like 90% failed. The situation is so fucking desperate. My attempts to get a gf always end that I humiliate myself. College is so ridiculous. People admire my stamina and intelligence in college. It is all fake. I am an overachiever. On the inside I feel nightmarish.
I barely have any reasons not to kill myself if I relapse. My friends are the greatest gift I received in my life. Though I don't want to live solely for the purpose to do it for others. It is shocking how early I totally collapsed when I tried to work. I am pretty sure I won't be able to hold a job. Approaching women often ends up with getting psychotic symptoms and everything backfires.
My situation is hopeless. I will fight till I collapse but there is not anything that keeps me going beyond that. The current life quality that I have is the best within the last 5 years and I still hate my life so fucking much. My "life quality" is a joke and the worst is yet to come.
I am just so sick of it. In case I relapse I might reach a new level of my suicidality. So far I communicated my suicidality to my family or therapists. But I don't want to endure all of this once again. I was 7 times in clinics during the 8 years. I have tried psychotherapy 3 times and I tried so fucking much medication. Of course my requests for assisted suicide are rejected from all psychiatrists to whom I talked so far.
I think I reach a point where talking about suicide is not enough for me anymore. I suffer a lot currently. I have to shield my mom of that because she had a stroke recently. I think in case I relapse I will try to hide my pain from them while planning my suicide. I hope I still can postpone that. But in case I relapse I try to kill myself with SN. It will be pretty difficult but the urge to do it will be huge. I don't see any real rational and substantial reasons not do it. My future prospects are horrendous. Therapists already gave me up. And it is true I am lost. I cannot win this game anymore. Everything was rigged against me right in front of the start. I don't really regret anything. I could not do anything against the child abuse from my mom. And then I got bullied in school because the domestic violence made me a mess.
The society or at least a huge part of the elite deny that cases like mine exist. Things that should not be such a cruel fate must not exist. Though they make everything worse because people like me have to choose violent or unsafe methods. It is all so cruel.
I am so fucking scared about the insane pain that awaits me after a relapse. That was way worse than death. I wish there was a way for me to live. I would even take a mediocre life. Though my life is a hellhole. And I just cannot endure that way longer.
As I said I try to postpone that hell breaks loose. But it is only a matter of time that it will all crash eventually...
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