I've really left things too late. I am in excrutiating agony my body is burning with electrical vibrations & stabbing knife pain from head to toe for 10 solid months now bed ridden. I've now ordered N & assuming it arrives safely I'll have no choice but to CTB next week.
No pain medication helps me, I haven't slept for ages, benzos at best gIve me a couple hours sleep. I'm tapering off them. I can't breathe, ears are blocked off. All from long term exposure to toxic mold. I've been ill all my life with genetic disorders but was a fighter until lockdown i started having 24/7:seizure activity. Now all my muscles & nerves are damaged beyond repair.
I wish I could go tonight. I am still extremely scared of dying & fear of death as no specific beliefs but lots of guilt & regrets. But I know deathv can't be any worse than my barely existing torture. Yet I am petrified.
My parents can't cope, they know I want to die, they want me to now as they know how badly I'm suffering. It's either do this or get admitted to a psyche ward as nhs think it's all mental & parents love me but cannot bear seeing me like this.
I am such a coward but how long can one go on unable to breathe, eat, drink, go to the toilet. There isnt a muscle, nerve or cell in my body that isnt inflamed & im rattling all the timem It is inhumane sufferring & I have to do It at home under elderly parents roof no 24hrs in a hotel for me. I scream & cry in agony all day so I'll have 12hrs max before they hopefully find me dead. They are expecting it to happen it's me that can't seem to accept my fate. I was doing a little better 2 years ago was planning to sell my flat, buy a house with a garden get a dog with my partner & get about on my mobility scooter & wheelchair. Im as prepared as i can be now tho. Suicide letter written, will taken care of. A few accounts to close once it hopefully arrives then I'm out of here.