there is no place for me, in the past, the present time and day, nor in the future

[wildbluekiss]

even if i actually had a dream and could run away,

now that i imagine about it, i don't think i would be saved,

because nothing is important enough for me,

a strong willingness, a group of friends, a romantic relationship,

everything around me values up to nothing,

i just couldn't bring myself to care, when i actually should—in order to put a meaning into this life,

nothing pushes me forward nor pulling me back from the thoughts of dying,

nothing is imporant enough

nothing was, nothing is, nothing will be



i'm back to this site
the graveyard of my happiness
at the same time, my saint haven.



i have lots of friends who care about me, my exes were all kind, gentle people, treated me like a glass-hearted princess. my parents did abuse me, but they atone for their sin every single day. i have an angel-like brother. studying at one of the top three public universities in my country, has a stable income off my work.

i should've been satisfied. this is a life everyone would kill for. and yet, i'm being an ungrateful piece of shit, self-harm maniac who can't help but breaks down every night. even if i do shit under the daylight professionally, i still try to kill myself when the sun goes down.

day by day, the guilt consumes my sanity. because,

i should've been happy.

i

i should be happy

why


why am i not happy enough

why am i not happy yet

why am i not happy

why am i not happy at all


why