Venting there is hope but i dont want it

[awfullymorbid]

TL;DR There is hope but what's the point in hope when my mind stops me from feeling it

Honestly, my life isn't all that bad. It's just very melancholic

when i read others vents i see them being in actual bad situations and i just feel selfish. I know this is a common mindset; "Their life is so much worse than mine, get over it". But I still feel numb towards my own success. I have the same mindset of a person who's homeless with $1 to their name.

I grew up with a horrible childhood filled with emotions, so i guess my nervous system is still stuck on that but sometimes i get mad at myself for not letting it go. i feel like im trying to victimize myself by holding onto that past trauma.

"Talking to someone about it will help" For some people this might help, and it helped me for the moment yeah, it feels kind of freeing until the paranoia kicks in asking why i let someone know such personal information about myself.

Everytime i catch myself crying it always ends up being about me feeling bad for myself or my old self. Ive never been good with human connection. ive gotten called soulless, emotionless, heartless, cold hearted and despite not really liking humans i know these aren't true but at times it feels true. But still, these are somewhat superficial problems. In theory i could just go to like a psychiatrist and take medication, but i dont really want to?

Like a huge part of me wants to make everyone hate me and then ctb. Its often where one day i randomly wake up and suicide is all thats on my mind and other days i wake up feeling like im on top of the world, although my days almost always end with me feeling miserable.

I know my problems are probably problems many people face but I just don't understand how everyone just keeps living without accidentally getting dragged into a nihilistic mindset. Nihilism isn't necessarily the philosophy i want to represent but i always seem to get stuck with it. honestly maybe nihilism isn't even the philosophy that best resonates with my thoughts, i just don't have the motivation to scavenge for the perfect one. I find it very interesting though.

I feel like even if i reach true serenity, I will still want to ctb at the end of the day.

 

[DownwardSpiral]

I feel quite similar. My life is "good" from the outside, I feel like anyone else in my position could make something out of it. But I did recently learn about Emotional Neglect which is a legitimate form of abuse that I most definitely suffered from my parents. Basically they didn't teach me how to feel/handle my own emotions or deal with other peoples emotions so I became an insecure pushover who runs away from all of my problems. That is very important stuff for social creatures to learn so it really messes us up when we never feel emotionally safe as children. I feel guilty for making everything about me as well. I think it's from growing up needing to put my parents emotions first to survive. My biggest struggle is just feeling like I deserve to live, get attention, get support, and get love. Like even if I get everything I want, I'll probably just self sabotage and push away all the people who love me again.

 

[awfullymorbid]

I feel quite similar. My life is "good" from the outside, I feel like anyone else in my position could make something out of it. But I did recently learn about Emotional Neglect which is a legitimate form of abuse that I most definitely suffered from my parents. Basically they didn't teach me how to feel/handle my own emotions or deal with other peoples emotions so I became an insecure pushover who runs away from all of my problems. That is very important stuff for social creatures to learn so it really messes us up when we never feel emotionally safe as children. I feel guilty for making everything about me as well. I think it's from growing up needing to put my parents emotions first to survive. My biggest struggle is just feeling like I deserve to live, get attention, get support, and get love. Like even if I get everything I want, I'll probably just self sabotage and push away all the people who love me again.

Yeah, I totally understand. You somewhat put my thoughts into words. I definitely have a case of neglect whether that be emotional or physical. I had to accommodate to my parents feelings more than they ever accommodated to me. I also agree with the part about struggling to feel like i deserve attention, love, ect., thats one thing i very much have to work on. It just feels like a lot of work considering most people learnt stuff like that growing up. Kind of annoying that they got a head start, but oh well

 

[DownwardSpiral]

It just feels like a lot of work considering most people learnt stuff like that growing up. Kind of annoying that they got a head start, but oh well

So true, it pains me greatly to think what my life could have been if I was raised in a healthy environment. I'm so jealous of people that were.