breadliker123
The world's most marvelous girl
- Mar 24, 2025
- 18
This is a stupid whiny rant
I've been on treatment for about 3 months because of a failed attempt that put me under so much stress that made me physically sick, which somehow led to my family finding out about my self-harm and deciding to send me to therapy whether I want it or not.
I'm truly not against the idea of therapy, really. I've been whining for it since before I was a teen, and now as an adult never attended because I felt as though it would serve no purpose. That was, of course, until the events of three months ago.
I'm going to this nice lady in my town, who actually is one of the only 2 therapists in the whole area (her being the only female). She's very nice, she's pretty, and she doesn't talk to me like I'm stupid, which is great! But, i just can't help but feel like i am either ust too stubborn for therapy, or she is incredibly unprofessional.
She keeps ignoring comments that I know should bring up some red flags, such as the fact that i was constatly sexually abused by a female family member, am terribly scared of men in any social setting, and i cannot go out of my house by myself or i will spend the whole trip either planning to die by somehow causing an accident or freaking our by the idea that i will somehow get attacked! These three things are things that I KNOW I have mentioned to her, but she has brushed off immediately and instead has opted to keep insisting on talking about how much my parents' divorce wounded me (it didn't at all. They're in good terms and I have told this to her already) or if I had any friends in kindergarten.
I have yet to mention the suicide attempt to her because somehow, after so many sessions, I haven't found an opening to do so. Not to mention I have these terrible intrusive thoughts that make it really! hard for me to speak about these things.
She keeps assuming my week is going fine because whenever I come in and she asks me, "How are you?" I always say "good!", even though I said on our first session that it's a compulsion because my mind keeps telling me that I'll jinx myself if I reply anything but. She never lets me elaborate on my week after the goood comes out of my mouth
She refuses to talk about my past sexual traumas or my intrusive thoughts, which I know are the root of this whole self-pity thing I have going on. For heaven's sake, she has actually only asked me twice about my self-harm issues, then never again, because I said I was doing fine that week.
Last week i went in and tried to talk to her about how much my intrusive thoughts have been bthering me and how the suicidal idealation she told me was soooo not normal was coming back, but she literally just told me "oh well, mention that later if we have time", then made us play some stupid card game for 30 minutes because she said that would somehow help me control my voice levels?? which i dont even have issues with! Now I've been getting this stupid compulsion of holding my neck whenever I talk to make sure I'm on a normal level, and I know I look ridiculous but I can't stop because if I'm too loud then people will look at me like I'm crazy, and I didn't have to worry about this since before she mentioned it!
I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm 90% sure I have OCD or some terrible thing alike because I can't live normally without some grotesque thing crawling into my brain. I feel like such an awful person, and the only professional that is meant to help me is either telling me it's nothing or brushing me off and making me feel stupid!
I really feel dramatic complaining about this, as this is a problem that really has many solutions, but I'm so pathetic that I have already evaluated every single one, and none work! I can't go with the other therapist in town because he's a man, and I'll probably think he'll rape me every session, or I'll get mad at him for saying something professional and somehow giving me vibes that he's being condescending. I can't do online therapy because I'm scared of cameras and being spied on by whatever entity might be out there or by my own family. I also can't go out of town by myself because going out of routine freaks me out, too, and it'd be too harsh on my wallet!
At the end of the day, it all still comes down to my stupid intrusive thoughts. I just wish she at least didn't make faces whenever I mention them..
I feel like I'm drowning in the most shallow pond in the world, honestly. I just needed to complain about this to someone, I guess...
I plan to stop going in January, since I think that'll be a long enough period for my family not to question it. But for these last two future months, I just wish she gets better. Next appointment, I'm probably bringing a paper or something with the topics I wanna touch, but I doubt that'll help me since I'm so pathetic I don't even know how to stand up for myself.
Maybe it's me who's doing something wrong? Maybe she's playing a mind game I don't get?? I don't know! But I feel stupid. I felt more listened to when I was 16 and complaining to random men on sex chat rooms
I've been on treatment for about 3 months because of a failed attempt that put me under so much stress that made me physically sick, which somehow led to my family finding out about my self-harm and deciding to send me to therapy whether I want it or not.
I'm truly not against the idea of therapy, really. I've been whining for it since before I was a teen, and now as an adult never attended because I felt as though it would serve no purpose. That was, of course, until the events of three months ago.
I'm going to this nice lady in my town, who actually is one of the only 2 therapists in the whole area (her being the only female). She's very nice, she's pretty, and she doesn't talk to me like I'm stupid, which is great! But, i just can't help but feel like i am either ust too stubborn for therapy, or she is incredibly unprofessional.
She keeps ignoring comments that I know should bring up some red flags, such as the fact that i was constatly sexually abused by a female family member, am terribly scared of men in any social setting, and i cannot go out of my house by myself or i will spend the whole trip either planning to die by somehow causing an accident or freaking our by the idea that i will somehow get attacked! These three things are things that I KNOW I have mentioned to her, but she has brushed off immediately and instead has opted to keep insisting on talking about how much my parents' divorce wounded me (it didn't at all. They're in good terms and I have told this to her already) or if I had any friends in kindergarten.
I have yet to mention the suicide attempt to her because somehow, after so many sessions, I haven't found an opening to do so. Not to mention I have these terrible intrusive thoughts that make it really! hard for me to speak about these things.
She keeps assuming my week is going fine because whenever I come in and she asks me, "How are you?" I always say "good!", even though I said on our first session that it's a compulsion because my mind keeps telling me that I'll jinx myself if I reply anything but. She never lets me elaborate on my week after the goood comes out of my mouth
She refuses to talk about my past sexual traumas or my intrusive thoughts, which I know are the root of this whole self-pity thing I have going on. For heaven's sake, she has actually only asked me twice about my self-harm issues, then never again, because I said I was doing fine that week.
Last week i went in and tried to talk to her about how much my intrusive thoughts have been bthering me and how the suicidal idealation she told me was soooo not normal was coming back, but she literally just told me "oh well, mention that later if we have time", then made us play some stupid card game for 30 minutes because she said that would somehow help me control my voice levels?? which i dont even have issues with! Now I've been getting this stupid compulsion of holding my neck whenever I talk to make sure I'm on a normal level, and I know I look ridiculous but I can't stop because if I'm too loud then people will look at me like I'm crazy, and I didn't have to worry about this since before she mentioned it!
I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm 90% sure I have OCD or some terrible thing alike because I can't live normally without some grotesque thing crawling into my brain. I feel like such an awful person, and the only professional that is meant to help me is either telling me it's nothing or brushing me off and making me feel stupid!
I really feel dramatic complaining about this, as this is a problem that really has many solutions, but I'm so pathetic that I have already evaluated every single one, and none work! I can't go with the other therapist in town because he's a man, and I'll probably think he'll rape me every session, or I'll get mad at him for saying something professional and somehow giving me vibes that he's being condescending. I can't do online therapy because I'm scared of cameras and being spied on by whatever entity might be out there or by my own family. I also can't go out of town by myself because going out of routine freaks me out, too, and it'd be too harsh on my wallet!
At the end of the day, it all still comes down to my stupid intrusive thoughts. I just wish she at least didn't make faces whenever I mention them..
I feel like I'm drowning in the most shallow pond in the world, honestly. I just needed to complain about this to someone, I guess...
I plan to stop going in January, since I think that'll be a long enough period for my family not to question it. But for these last two future months, I just wish she gets better. Next appointment, I'm probably bringing a paper or something with the topics I wanna touch, but I doubt that'll help me since I'm so pathetic I don't even know how to stand up for myself.
Maybe it's me who's doing something wrong? Maybe she's playing a mind game I don't get?? I don't know! But I feel stupid. I felt more listened to when I was 16 and complaining to random men on sex chat rooms
