Therapist Ended Support

[Jay_AU]

Well, I've screwed up again. After a commitment to beating my demons, and an incredible amount of additional recent support from by Psychologist of almost six years, I fell into an aggressive and angry tirade (about two weeks into severe withdrawals from cannabis), and she terminated all services. It's one month as of this week, and I'm in such a dark place of self-loathing and shame about this uncharacteristic behavior. It should go without saying that NOBODY deserves to be treated like that, and least of all the very person who has been helping me. But it does shock me that she took a 'zero tolerance' decision, considering the small wins we were working towards, and that inly a week prior, I inferred that she had SAVED my life, which she understood.

I don't want to hurt anyone (emotionally or otherwise), but this unacceptable behavior cannot be remedied. Since the termination, NOBODY has reached out to me, and this just reinforces the miserable life I endure. And surprisingly, I can't get over the pain of being abandoned at a critical time. Therapist is (I thought) a very compassionate caring person, but that clearly doesn't extend to being verbally abused. Frighteningly, the person I was, in this period of rage (which she was suggesting psychosis), brought up a lot of repressed trauma about my own father. That's a heavy burden that I also can't shake since then. Ironically, we hadn't been able to get far with that in the past few years, and now I'm flying solo, it's appearing in my consciousness.

So this is the last straw, and I don't have any more courage to keep trying. I've already determined an exit strategy, and all that's left to do is wait out the passing of my cat, who may need to be euthanized soon. Animal lovers, don't jump to conclusions – he has been my only companion for 15 years, and has always been my responsibility. I 'love' the little guy as much as one can for a non-human sentient being. Actually have said to my therapist several times that self-harm is not an option while I have that responsibility – and I had already started making inquiries with the Vet before this latest incident.

The question… and one that I can't really ask ANYONE else but people here… my 'episode' from recently resulted in Ambulance / Police being coordinated to take me to hospital, and that's not the place for me… how much time might be reasonable between therapist termination and my exit ? I certainly don't want her to be held responsible in any way. Realistically if I can make the hard decision with my little buddy, get stuff in order and whatever else, late April seems likely.

Maybe I should be clear, I'm not walking towards the exit door because of my Therapist specifically, rather because it just represents another period of self-sabotage and hurting others. In my early 50's, I am alone with no friends, social network, money or hopes for the future. All I am is a burden.

 

[depressedinsomniac]

but you are at least not using right? 7 months clean from weed. 44. Used for 29 years. I can tell you i point the finger at weed for the loss of a lot of mental health. Trust me i know how you feel. I tried the therapy thing. I just don't care for it too much. But what's stopping you from getting a new therapist? Heck a new cat too! I hope you make it through. I also have no friends. I would be happy to offer a friendship to you in this tough time best i can over the internets.

 

[Kbeau]

Sorry to hear all that. I'm 55. Hard to get jazzed about life at this point.

 

[deadbidaylight]

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Losing a trusted confidant would be really hard, especially after years of work together. Is there anyway that you are able to reach out to her and possibly reconcile? Or at least be able to apologize for what happened? That would be at least some closure for you rather than just being hung out to dry.

I think CTB can happen at anytime if you feel the time is right. Are you planning on leaving a note when you leave? You could always explain in your note that she is not to blame for your decision.

I'm really sorry about your cat. They really are the best company. I'm glad that you are being responsible and taking care of its affairs before proceeding with your own. I wish more people were responsible pet parents like you.

I know it seems dark now. But there is chance for light in your life again should you choose not to CTB. It's not a race, and no one will win. There is absolutely no shame in changing your mind, and it's not weakness. It takes guts to live in a world like this. HOWEVER, if you fully intend on leaving us, I support you and will stand by you until the end. Regardless of the path you ultimately choose, I hope that you're able to find peace.

 

[Jay_AU]

but you are at least not using right? 7 months clean from weed. 44. Used for 29 years. I can tell you i point the finger at weed for the loss of a lot of mental health. Trust me i know how you feel. I tried the therapy thing. I just don't care for it too much. But what's stopping you from getting a new therapist? Heck a new cat too! I hope you make it through. I also have no friends. I would be happy to offer a friendship to you in this tough time best i can over the internets.

Hello - at 53, I wouldn't get another cat as i would be concerned that if I die of natural causes, a kitty would starve to death.

I started using weed again a few days after the termination. As a bit of a kick in the guts, I received the letter at exactly 30 DAYS ! I had actually bought a nice slice of cake that I was going to drop into her office later that morning as a small 'thanks'. Man, that would have been awkward, considering how the day unfolded.

Strangely, while I am drinking again, my heart's just not in it. I'll have 6 drinks and am sick of it. Alcohol has been my biggest burden in life, but the problematic weed use had only became an issue around one year ago, despite smoking on/off for 30+ years.

There will be no new Therapist for me. I'm not starting over, and I have a bit of a dim view on most Psychologists. My former one was the exception, and we had FINALLY made some measurable wins. I'm just really distraught and hurt that we couldn't work though my episode, since it was such an uncharacteristic part of my behavior. Her choice of course, and I can't dictate how people practice forgiveness.

The most stupid part of this is that I was terminated due to a series of unexpected psychological issues, in the middle of withdrawals. One might argue that it's precisely the role of a Psychologist to work through this with a well-known client. And that just a week before I had a message saying 'I will support you no matter what, and no matter how long it takes'. I guess the caveat there was 'unless you get abusive, and 7 days'. It's also hard to resolve the conflicting thoughts of 'she abandoned me at a critical time, which is unfair' against 'I was an abusive a-hole and nobody deserves such treatment'. The guilt is just as much a burden as the swift termination.

Honestly the past month has been a blur. I feel that time is standing still.

FANTASTIC about your beating the weed. I've also suspected mental health issues being exacerbated since August 2024. The withdrawals really took me by surprise though, I had no idea they would be so brutal on the mind and body. And... ultimately on my behaviors that lead me to these final weeks.

 

[depressedinsomniac]

Without the dopamine weed gives you i am low...which is why i meet you here...down in the dumps...but weed is so insidious. I have finally beat it. First i beat cigarettes then booze. Then coke. Then weed. Huge gaps in between. But weed was the toughest to beat. I never understood why. It's the dopamine. A plant that makes you happy. Sure sure. But it's not something you want to be dependent on. It's easy to say that. It's a whole nother thing to actually overcome it after i used so long. I think in moderation it's ok. It's just I never could use it like that. Now I know in my case I gotta stay away.

 

[Jay_AU]

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Losing a trusted confidant would be really hard, especially after years of work together. Is there anyway that you are able to reach out to her and possibly reconcile? Or at least be able to apologize for what happened? That would be at least some closure for you rather than just being hung out to dry.

The meltdown came on the 31st Jan, to which she called in a self-harm alert to my home. She called on the evening of the 1st Feb, imploring me to get myself to a hospital (the police from the night before saw no reason to do so), and I apologized profusely and very sincerely. But.... for a few days afterwards I was shooting off manic message to both her and her former boss... I realize now that the whole WEEK was unhinged for me. 'Above & Beyond' support from the weeks prior became a deafening silence since then, and the termination letter came on the 12th March, over a week later. Despite the incredible pain of abandonment, the occasional anger about the timing of it all etc, I still have an immense amount of gratitude towards her being the only one 'on my team'. I can only presume that my behavior has hurt HER, or made her angry, or frightened... who knows :(

So for that reason I've been reluctant to make any further contact, and am trying to respect her decision. I also don't know what can possibly come of it... you might know how people communicate in a formal manner. According to the letter, it was 'for my benefit' to end treatment ! I don't see any value in being told this sort of non-specific template reasoning.

THANK YOU SO MUCH for the response. I'm not sure why I even joined this forum, but I'm reasonable enough of mind (arguably!) to think that if I 'talk it out' with others, maybe I'll find a renewed interest in continuing. It's the sort of discussion that cannot be had with anyone else, without consequences.

That said, I'm quite calm about the idea of CTB, and it's not causing me the slightest bit of distress. I've tried so hard to be a good person, in a world where so few others really give a crap.

Without the dopamine weed gives you i am low...which is why i meet you here...down in the dumps...but weed is so insidious. I have finally beat it. First i beat cigarettes then booze. Then coke. Then weed. Huge gaps in between. But weed was the toughest to beat. I never understood why. It's the dopamine. A plant that makes you happy. Sure sure. But it's not something you want to be dependent on. It's easy to say that. It's a whole nother thing to actually overcome it after i used so long. I think in moderation it's ok. It's just I never could use it like that. Now I know in my case I gotta stay away.

Yes, I'm still an advocate for legalization, but it's just not working for me.

The physical withdrawals from weed are likely due to the alkaloids remaining in the body's fat-stores, so we aren't even 'clean' for several weeks. This is not the case with booze, which exits the body rapidly. That's not to say there aren't emotional withdrawals, which may go on for many months.

I knew all of this beforehand. 10 days of no work arrived, and I actually dedicated a week to the withdrawals, approaching the time as a sort of 'spiritual retreat'. Dismantled my computer, registered a 'burner' phone number and email that only three people had the details for, increased psychologist contact (a lot of it at her suggestion), and was mentally prepared to ride it out, without wallowing in the discomfort, but instead embracing and accepting the difficult weeks ahead.

Despite this knowledge, and the clear commitment and devotion to sorting it out, the withdrawals still shocked me ! When the breakdown came, if anything I was getting very inpatient and frustrated that as each day passed, the symptoms didn't seem to ease off. Sad to say, but I was probably right on the cusp of the cannabinoids being out of my system.

 

[depressedinsomniac]

i don't know...if i could flip a switch or if it was a medical procedure i guess ctb would be simple enough. i am certainly in a lot of pain....but with the methods available to me it's hard to overcome si. least at this point in my journey.

i hope in your case you get clean. i think it might help. my decision making when i was using was TERRIBLE.

 

[onthefence]

For myself- as my therapist is gonna terminate soon… if I'm not their client it's not their fault. I don't think it's gonna have any impact on them. Even after 7 years or so of therapy. They are just tired of my shit and are really annoyed.

 

[deadbidaylight]

Talking things out really does relieve a lot of burden that you're carrying around. I feel awful that you're left all alone after such a vulnerable time when support is genuinely what you need right now.

I know we are all strangers, but I speak for myself (and likely a lot of others) that we are all here to support each other without judgement. Please word vomit if you feel the need. It's therapeutic. Sometimes just getting some validation on your feelings and knowing you're not alone is enough to keep you going another day.

Even though it's dark right now, you seem to be an intelligent person with a good head on your shoulders. It's not like you are unaware of your surroundings and what happened. I really do have hope for you for a better future. One day at a time right now is all you need. Baby steps.

Thank you for sharing a part of yourself with us. Your words are valuable. My heart goes out to you

 

[Jay_AU]

I feel awful that you're left all alone after such a vulnerable time when support is genuinely what you need right now.

I am always alone. Not sure how life got to this, but it's been that way for 15 years. Another Friday night here, by myself, again.

It's not like you are unaware of your surroundings and what happened.

On the contrary - i have no idea why I behaved in this deplorable way, I'm completely confused as to what was said that was unforgivable (unacceptable, yes... unforgivable... *shrugs* it was a psychological breakdown, in which psychologist was well aware of how I was traveling due to almost daily contact. I spoke to someone (a counselor) informally and off the record today, and what came to my mind again was that she may fear for her own safety in future sessions. And that makes me literally sick to the stomach to think that's the case. Despite general low self-esteem, this whole thing is CRUSHING ME at every waking moment.

Oh, and the Police arrived at my home again tonight, about 30 minutes ago. They kept banging on my door until I opened it. I knew it was the Police, as I heard their two-way radio from behind the door. Eventually I simply opened the door to the Police, said 'what do you want', and when they said they were here for a welfare check, I just said 'I'm fine' and closed the door on them. Quite surprised how easy it was to get rid of them, without any conversation.

I should add that I have no criminal record, no history of violence, and THREE Federal, State & Territorial current Police Checks on my identity, which are reviewed periodically by each relevant agency. My record with the law is squeaky-clean.

There's been NO CONTACT with Therapist or Doctor for one month now. No emails, no texts, nothing whatsoever from my end to warrant a 10:00 PM visit from the cops. I have blocked all calls to my phone for a few weeks, so that may be it. They also said the request was made by my Doctor (not therapist), and referred to her by name.

So yes, I am really unaware of how or why this miserable situation is unfolding.

One thing that is perfectly clear though, is the circumstances that triggered the psychosis (if that's what we're calling it - who knows?). Not sure I should get into that on a public forum, because it's very incriminating if/when I do CTB, and it directly involves... well it involves the mishandling of confidential client data without consent. Drum roll.... concerning my therapy sessions ! And the cannabis abuse began around a year ago... when I first raised concerns about it.

This is all a goddamn mess that I shouldn't have to suffer for. And those responsible are no doubt going about their lives without giving another thought to the damaged caused.