Duochrome-Seahorse
I hope I start rotting in my sleep
- Feb 23, 2023
- 60
2024 is just around the corner and I decided to make next year a good year for me until I inevitably end my life. I think this is going to be the final stretch of me trying, even though I've said that so many times for the past 12 years: "oh this will be different, I'll live for xyz, I wanna live cuz xyz is coming out"
I'm not really excited for a lot of things in the future tbh. Literally nothing is making me go "oh my god im so excited for this" except one thing and once that thing ends I'm gonna ctb. Although, there's also the materialistic side of me who doesn't like the fact that my things are going to belong to someone else that bothers me. i don't want anyone in my room after I passed. It's my safe haven from all the hellscapes of the world. It's such a conflicting feeling. This room is the only proof of my existence that I have that I cherish a lot. I would be pissed if I saw what happened to it after my death after putting so much work on it.
I'm trying to go back to better habits, and I'm in group therapy but I hate everyone in it it's just not for me, I go so I can get to talk to my therapist alone. It's the only way to get it for free. I started going out more again, haven't made any friends really, but honestly I don't expect it first try. I just want to talk to people. I still think there's hope for me, I'm just going through such a rough patch right now that it makes it feel impossible to get over. I keep thinking I'll never find love again. Or that I'll always be used for something. I hope I find that someone who proves me wrong, but I'm not gonna be disapointed if I don't
I'm not really excited for a lot of things in the future tbh. Literally nothing is making me go "oh my god im so excited for this" except one thing and once that thing ends I'm gonna ctb. Although, there's also the materialistic side of me who doesn't like the fact that my things are going to belong to someone else that bothers me. i don't want anyone in my room after I passed. It's my safe haven from all the hellscapes of the world. It's such a conflicting feeling. This room is the only proof of my existence that I have that I cherish a lot. I would be pissed if I saw what happened to it after my death after putting so much work on it.
I'm trying to go back to better habits, and I'm in group therapy but I hate everyone in it it's just not for me, I go so I can get to talk to my therapist alone. It's the only way to get it for free. I started going out more again, haven't made any friends really, but honestly I don't expect it first try. I just want to talk to people. I still think there's hope for me, I'm just going through such a rough patch right now that it makes it feel impossible to get over. I keep thinking I'll never find love again. Or that I'll always be used for something. I hope I find that someone who proves me wrong, but I'm not gonna be disapointed if I don't
