vampire2002

vampire2002

weeb & neet ♡
Oct 8, 2023
145
this is my first post on this forum, so forgive me if i make some mistakes.

i was conceived nonconsensually. my biological father has done this to at least two other women besides my mother, and he went to prison for it in the past. he doesn't know i exist and i have half-siblings i've never met either.

this wasn't revealed to me until i was 13, so i grew up thinking another man was my father. my mother was dating him at the time she was sexually assaulted, so she never really knew whose child i was for sure until he did a DNA test on me without telling her. i wasn't even told why i really had to do it, i was told it was some sort of ancestry thing my "father" and stepmother were curious about. the truth came out, and i was completely disowned by him. he said he "couldn't see me as a daughter anymore."

when my mother broke the news to me she had me come to her bedroom and sit on her bed with her in the dark. she sobbed onto my shoulder while she told me what happened to her. i felt quite numb honestly, i didn't cry at all until later when i was disowned, and even then not much. i guess i didn't think things would change very much. too many children's movies about how "family isn't limited by blood" or whatever.

i never blamed or resented my mother for keeping this a secret, possibly due to the fact i was already being sexually abused myself at this time and i understood how hard it was to tell somebody about it. in fact, it probably turned out better for me she didn't tell people, since i have contact with the family of my "ex-father" and i'm very close with some of them, like my grandma (who never once considered disowning me like her son did.)

years later, my mom essentially admitted i ruined her relationship with him and the main reason she left him was because she felt so guilty but couldn't bring herself to confess.

how is one supposed to cope knowing that in a better world, they would never have existed? my very existence has caused so much pain to those around me and i hate it. as much as i hate people who haven't experienced this using people like me for pawns in their arguments (either for abortion or against it), i really do wish my mother had aborted me. i think she could've lived a much happier life. she had a child forced upon her at a young age that she didn't really want nor was she properly prepared for, either emotionally or financially. i put so much strain on her that she didn't deserve, hell in some ways i still do that even to this day.

she once told me she'd go through it all again if she had to, because it was worth having me in her life. i know she meant it to be comforting, but honestly hearing that just horrified me more. i didn't want her to have to suffer for me to be born. it's not even remotely worth it. i can't imagine having been in her shoes, i wouldn't have survived it.

i find it hard to be mad i was neglected and abused (by her, at least) for so many years. at least, the anger never really lasts. i can't hold a grudge against her. i don't think i really deserved to be treated any better. i don't know if i could've treated a child better if i'd been forced into motherhood as she had. sometimes i'm terrified that i look like him and when she looks at me she sees the face of the man who hurt her looking back. but i don't know what he looks like, i'm too scared to find out.

if the world was decent with good people in it, i wouldn't exist. i just wouldn't be here. this never would've happened. the world would've been a better place had i never been born, or rather, if the world was a better place i'd never have been born.

i don't even understand how somebody could grow up with this information and not end up suicidal, really. i always feel like i'm not meant to be here, because i'm not. nobody wanted me, and it wasn't even like i was an "accident", i was brought into the world through such an evil and traumatizing act. i'm the physical manifestation of one of the worst moments of her life that she's been forced to take care of. i ruined her life. i feel like a person created from suffering and misery will only live a life of suffering and misery.

sometimes i feel like dying is probably the greatest gift i could give my mother, a release from the burden she's been saddled with. but i know she's grown attached to me, and it would hurt her now. i just wish i'd never existed in the first place. none of this should've ever happened. the fact i was born is a tragedy.
 
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darkenmydoorstep

darkenmydoorstep

Not Waving But Browned Off….
Sep 27, 2023
543
Bless you. What an enormous feeling you carry around with you.

Years ago I used to date a guy who was (as his mean mother had told him) "a rape baby".
I remember how it used to impact upon his self esteem. I can't imagine how that must feel. But very few of us are born as result of a beautiful love story.

Please don't let your parentage limit how you feel about yourself. Although I was not a product of such an incident, my own dad is a total loser, fucks prostitutes, gambler, did 16 years for armed robbery. If I thought of myself as him I'd be screwed.

There's way more to you than a cruel act. It sounds that at least some people have poured love into you over the years.

As for imagining your mother's life without you, who's to know the road we don't travel?
I've had an abortion and it comes with heaps of guilt and bad feelings. She may have felt like that had she done that too.

Sending you lots of love and strength xx
 
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MeltingBrain

MeltingBrain

Mage
May 29, 2023
580
this is my first post on this forum, so forgive me if i make some mistakes.

i was conceived nonconsensually. my biological father has done this to at least two other women besides my mother, and he went to prison for it in the past. he doesn't know i exist and i have half-siblings i've never met either.

this wasn't revealed to me until i was 13, so i grew up thinking another man was my father. my mother was dating him at the time she was sexually assaulted, so she never really knew whose child i was for sure until he did a DNA test on me without telling her. i wasn't even told why i really had to do it, i was told it was some sort of ancestry thing my "father" and stepmother were curious about. the truth came out, and i was completely disowned by him. he said he "couldn't see me as a daughter anymore."

when my mother broke the news to me she had me come to her bedroom and sit on her bed with her in the dark. she sobbed onto my shoulder while she told me what happened to her. i felt quite numb honestly, i didn't cry at all until later when i was disowned, and even then not much. i guess i didn't think things would change very much. too many children's movies about how "family isn't limited by blood" or whatever.

i never blamed or resented my mother for keeping this a secret, possibly due to the fact i was already being sexually abused myself at this time and i understood how hard it was to tell somebody about it. in fact, it probably turned out better for me she didn't tell people, since i have contact with the family of my "ex-father" and i'm very close with some of them, like my grandma (who never once considered disowning me like her son did.)

years later, my mom essentially admitted i ruined her relationship with him and the main reason she left him was because she felt so guilty but couldn't bring herself to confess.

how is one supposed to cope knowing that in a better world, they would never have existed? my very existence has caused so much pain to those around me and i hate it. as much as i hate people who haven't experienced this using people like me for pawns in their arguments (either for abortion or against it), i really do wish my mother had aborted me. i think she could've lived a much happier life. she had a child forced upon her at a young age that she didn't really want nor was she properly prepared for, either emotionally or financially. i put so much strain on her that she didn't deserve, hell in some ways i still do that even to this day.

she once told me she'd go through it all again if she had to, because it was worth having me in her life. i know she meant it to be comforting, but honestly hearing that just horrified me more. i didn't want her to have to suffer for me to be born. it's not even remotely worth it. i can't imagine having been in her shoes, i wouldn't have survived it.

i find it hard to be mad i was neglected and abused (by her, at least) for so many years. at least, the anger never really lasts. i can't hold a grudge against her. i don't think i really deserved to be treated any better. i don't know if i could've treated a child better if i'd been forced into motherhood as she had. sometimes i'm terrified that i look like him and when she looks at me she sees the face of the man who hurt her looking back. but i don't know what he looks like, i'm too scared to find out.

if the world was decent with good people in it, i wouldn't exist. i just wouldn't be here. this never would've happened. the world would've been a better place had i never been born, or rather, if the world was a better place i'd never have been born.

i don't even understand how somebody could grow up with this information and not end up suicidal, really. i always feel like i'm not meant to be here, because i'm not. nobody wanted me, and it wasn't even like i was an "accident", i was brought into the world through such an evil and traumatizing act. i'm the physical manifestation of one of the worst moments of her life that she's been forced to take care of. i ruined her life. i feel like a person created from suffering and misery will only live a life of suffering and misery.

sometimes i feel like dying is probably the greatest gift i could give my mother, a release from the burden she's been saddled with. but i know she's grown attached to me, and it would hurt her now. i just wish i'd never existed in the first place. none of this should've ever happened. the fact i was born is a tragedy.
From your post , You sound conscientious, considerate and kind, the kind of person the world needs .
 
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Lynx.

Lynx.

Member
Sep 28, 2022
80
I'm really sorry - you carry such a weight in your shoulders I cannot even start to imagine how it must feel.

The horrible actions of your father do not define who you are and your own worth: that should be only his burden to wear. I'm sorry that such an awful human being has caused so much hurt to you and your family.

But ultimately you are not the cause of his actions - merely the child that was born out of it: an innocent being that did nothing wrong at all. You are much more than the reasons of your birth, even though I know my words won't sound so convincing...

What you feel is totally valid and I understand your reasons for feeling this way - just bear in mind that you deserve a lot of love and care.

As another user pointed out - you seem kind, considerate and caring, which is a rare sight in this world. Many hugs to you.
 
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Jan1193

Jan1193

I want no limitations for my soul
Sep 18, 2023
55
I even can't imagine how do you really feel every day, and the weigth on your shoulders. But I really have the impression that your mother really loves You. From the bottom of her hearth, she loves you, and you're not like the guy who hurt your mother, you're not a bad person or a tragedy. You're a human, as all of us who feel and is aware of the suffering not only in her/himself, but the other too. You deserve to have relief and peace, and I would like to give you a giant hug and all my support. I'm sorry for your situation.


My mom has passed away the last year and there's no day that I didn't missed her. I think something similar as you, I would prefer not to exist If that means she wasn't meet my biological father. I'm sorry because I can't offer you words of relief, but if You need to talk with someone, there is my prívate message box. I'll be glad to talk, even when english is not my native languaje.

My best wishes for you, buddy. You're not alone
 
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MiMif

MiMif

I do not live for others to understand me...
Sep 13, 2023
588
I'm so sorry that happened to your mother and that you feel this way.

But just because your biological father did something wrong and evil to conceive you by no means means you shouldn't exist.

Sometimes good things come out of bad experiences and you shouldn't feel burdened by your father's sins.

Your mother probably didn't treat you the best not because she hated you or your existence but because she was simply going through alot. She probably loves you. Though ofcourse I don't know her...

You seem like a very kind person honestly I used to get mad at my parents for days simply because they had favorites or were a little mean to me when I was a teenager.

Your a really kind person for holding nothing against your mother. I truly hope you find a way to live life honestly I do. you seem like a truly kind person. I hope whatever road you take your happy.
 
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puella

puella

she/they
Oct 5, 2023
320
The world is so much better with you in it. You were the only good thing to come out of that horrible event. I am so, so sorry you've had to go through all of this. 🖤 You shouldn't have felt any of this pain. Every child deserves loving parents and a safe environment. There is no possible way you could be any less important than anyone else. You deserved so much more from the world; I'm so sorry it can be so unfair, cold and brutal.

this wasn't revealed to me until i was 13
possibly due to the fact i was already being sexually abused myself at this time and i understood how hard it was to tell somebody about it
I am so, so sorry. I don't want to push on a topic this big, I'm worried about making you feel worse. I just want to tell you I'm here for you if you need anything. I care about you so much.
 
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