vampire2002
weeb & neet ♡
- Oct 8, 2023
- 71
this is my first post on this forum, so forgive me if i make some mistakes.
i was conceived nonconsensually. my biological father has done this to at least two other women besides my mother, and he went to prison for it in the past. he doesn't know i exist and i have half-siblings i've never met either.
this wasn't revealed to me until i was 13, so i grew up thinking another man was my father. my mother was dating him at the time she was sexually assaulted, so she never really knew whose child i was for sure until he did a DNA test on me without telling her. i wasn't even told why i really had to do it, i was told it was some sort of ancestry thing my "father" and stepmother were curious about. the truth came out, and i was completely disowned by him. he said he "couldn't see me as a daughter anymore."
when my mother broke the news to me she had me come to her bedroom and sit on her bed with her in the dark. she sobbed onto my shoulder while she told me what happened to her. i felt quite numb honestly, i didn't cry at all until later when i was disowned, and even then not much. i guess i didn't think things would change very much. too many children's movies about how "family isn't limited by blood" or whatever.
i never blamed or resented my mother for keeping this a secret, possibly due to the fact i was already being sexually abused myself at this time and i understood how hard it was to tell somebody about it. in fact, it probably turned out better for me she didn't tell people, since i have contact with the family of my "ex-father" and i'm very close with some of them, like my grandma (who never once considered disowning me like her son did.)
years later, my mom essentially admitted i ruined her relationship with him and the main reason she left him was because she felt so guilty but couldn't bring herself to confess.
how is one supposed to cope knowing that in a better world, they would never have existed? my very existence has caused so much pain to those around me and i hate it. as much as i hate people who haven't experienced this using people like me for pawns in their arguments (either for abortion or against it), i really do wish my mother had aborted me. i think she could've lived a much happier life. she had a child forced upon her at a young age that she didn't really want nor was she properly prepared for, either emotionally or financially. i put so much strain on her that she didn't deserve, hell in some ways i still do that even to this day.
she once told me she'd go through it all again if she had to, because it was worth having me in her life. i know she meant it to be comforting, but honestly hearing that just horrified me more. i didn't want her to have to suffer for me to be born. it's not even remotely worth it. i can't imagine having been in her shoes, i wouldn't have survived it.
i find it hard to be mad i was neglected and abused (by her, at least) for so many years. at least, the anger never really lasts. i can't hold a grudge against her. i don't think i really deserved to be treated any better. i don't know if i could've treated a child better if i'd been forced into motherhood as she had. sometimes i'm terrified that i look like him and when she looks at me she sees the face of the man who hurt her looking back. but i don't know what he looks like, i'm too scared to find out.
if the world was decent with good people in it, i wouldn't exist. i just wouldn't be here. this never would've happened. the world would've been a better place had i never been born, or rather, if the world was a better place i'd never have been born.
i don't even understand how somebody could grow up with this information and not end up suicidal, really. i always feel like i'm not meant to be here, because i'm not. nobody wanted me, and it wasn't even like i was an "accident", i was brought into the world through such an evil and traumatizing act. i'm the physical manifestation of one of the worst moments of her life that she's been forced to take care of. i ruined her life. i feel like a person created from suffering and misery will only live a life of suffering and misery.
sometimes i feel like dying is probably the greatest gift i could give my mother, a release from the burden she's been saddled with. but i know she's grown attached to me, and it would hurt her now. i just wish i'd never existed in the first place. none of this should've ever happened. the fact i was born is a tragedy.
i was conceived nonconsensually. my biological father has done this to at least two other women besides my mother, and he went to prison for it in the past. he doesn't know i exist and i have half-siblings i've never met either.
this wasn't revealed to me until i was 13, so i grew up thinking another man was my father. my mother was dating him at the time she was sexually assaulted, so she never really knew whose child i was for sure until he did a DNA test on me without telling her. i wasn't even told why i really had to do it, i was told it was some sort of ancestry thing my "father" and stepmother were curious about. the truth came out, and i was completely disowned by him. he said he "couldn't see me as a daughter anymore."
when my mother broke the news to me she had me come to her bedroom and sit on her bed with her in the dark. she sobbed onto my shoulder while she told me what happened to her. i felt quite numb honestly, i didn't cry at all until later when i was disowned, and even then not much. i guess i didn't think things would change very much. too many children's movies about how "family isn't limited by blood" or whatever.
i never blamed or resented my mother for keeping this a secret, possibly due to the fact i was already being sexually abused myself at this time and i understood how hard it was to tell somebody about it. in fact, it probably turned out better for me she didn't tell people, since i have contact with the family of my "ex-father" and i'm very close with some of them, like my grandma (who never once considered disowning me like her son did.)
years later, my mom essentially admitted i ruined her relationship with him and the main reason she left him was because she felt so guilty but couldn't bring herself to confess.
how is one supposed to cope knowing that in a better world, they would never have existed? my very existence has caused so much pain to those around me and i hate it. as much as i hate people who haven't experienced this using people like me for pawns in their arguments (either for abortion or against it), i really do wish my mother had aborted me. i think she could've lived a much happier life. she had a child forced upon her at a young age that she didn't really want nor was she properly prepared for, either emotionally or financially. i put so much strain on her that she didn't deserve, hell in some ways i still do that even to this day.
she once told me she'd go through it all again if she had to, because it was worth having me in her life. i know she meant it to be comforting, but honestly hearing that just horrified me more. i didn't want her to have to suffer for me to be born. it's not even remotely worth it. i can't imagine having been in her shoes, i wouldn't have survived it.
i find it hard to be mad i was neglected and abused (by her, at least) for so many years. at least, the anger never really lasts. i can't hold a grudge against her. i don't think i really deserved to be treated any better. i don't know if i could've treated a child better if i'd been forced into motherhood as she had. sometimes i'm terrified that i look like him and when she looks at me she sees the face of the man who hurt her looking back. but i don't know what he looks like, i'm too scared to find out.
if the world was decent with good people in it, i wouldn't exist. i just wouldn't be here. this never would've happened. the world would've been a better place had i never been born, or rather, if the world was a better place i'd never have been born.
i don't even understand how somebody could grow up with this information and not end up suicidal, really. i always feel like i'm not meant to be here, because i'm not. nobody wanted me, and it wasn't even like i was an "accident", i was brought into the world through such an evil and traumatizing act. i'm the physical manifestation of one of the worst moments of her life that she's been forced to take care of. i ruined her life. i feel like a person created from suffering and misery will only live a life of suffering and misery.
sometimes i feel like dying is probably the greatest gift i could give my mother, a release from the burden she's been saddled with. but i know she's grown attached to me, and it would hurt her now. i just wish i'd never existed in the first place. none of this should've ever happened. the fact i was born is a tragedy.
You shouldn't have felt any of this pain. Every child deserves loving parents and a safe environment. There is no possible way you could be any less important than anyone else. You deserved so much more from the world; I'm so sorry it can be so unfair, cold and brutal.
