Venting The weight is too much

[thegearhasrusted]

For over half of my life I've had to deal with the weight of c-ptsd and BPD. I just turned 30 yesterday.

One would think after hitting 30 I'd hit my stride but everyday it just gets heavier and heavier. The past gets heavier, planning for the future gets even heavier, and it makes it so impossible to do anymore than struggle through the now.

I've been on so many different meds and have been in therapy for years, and always bring it to my therapist when I feel at my lowest lows, but the lingering pain is always there, the constant exhaustion is always there. I never get to enjoy anything and the weight has gotten too much.

Earlier this year a close personal friend CTB successfully, using this site to help make their choice and gather information. I learned after the fact about this site through that and have been lurking for a while but now want to interact more and see what to do about my own CTB attempt.

I'm just at a point where I can't handle this anymore and have been for so long, but I just feel like I've had to for others and that's just causing even more pain at this point. Even now I feel so selfish. I have friends, a partner that tries to care, and a good career, but all do it always just feels so heavy, and it only gets heavier.

 

[Ash]

Belated birthday greetings and welcome to the site. I'm sorry about your friend. You're not alone with your you feel.

 

[Lifeaffirmingchoice]

For over half of my life I've had to deal with the weight of c-ptsd and BPD. I just turned 30 yesterday.

One would think after hitting 30 I'd hit my stride but everyday it just gets heavier and heavier. The past gets heavier, planning for the future gets even heavier, and it makes it so impossible to do anymore than struggle through the now.

I've been on so many different meds and have been in therapy for years, and always bring it to my therapist when I feel at my lowest lows, but the lingering pain is always there, the constant exhaustion is always there. I never get to enjoy anything and the weight has gotten too much.

Earlier this year a close personal friend CTB successfully, using this site to help make their choice and gather information. I learned after the fact about this site through that and have been lurking for a while but now want to interact more and see what to do about my own CTB attempt.

I'm just at a point where I can't handle this anymore and have been for so long, but I just feel like I've had to for others and that's just causing even more pain at this point. Even now I feel so selfish. I have friends, a partner that tries to care, and a good career, but all do it always just feels so heavy, and it only gets heavier.

Glad you found this site - it's a wealth of info. I also found it via a friend who told me about it before she ctb.

 

[thegearhasrusted]

Belated birthday greetings and welcome to the site. I'm sorry about your friend. You're not alone with your you feel.

Thank you!

Honestly, as much as I truly do appreciate the sentiment, I do honestly feel like their passing was good for them. They were in the same pain I am, and I never once held their choice against them. I miss having them to relate to as we would share a lot with each other about our feelings and the impact of BPD and c-ptsd on our lives, but I respect their choice as I plan to do the same.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really tiring what you've been through, it sounds like you've suffered a lot. But anyway best wishes, I hope that you find peace eventually.

 

[thegearhasrusted]

It must be really tiring what you've been through, it sounds like you've suffered a lot. But anyway best wishes, I hope that you find peace eventually.

Some day I'll type up my whole story, maybe once I have my plan in place. Things just felt exceptionally heavy and I really needed to finally get things out even if just a little bit