the way i think abt suicide is weird some times

[cattalk610]

i don't understand how my brain works... But sometimes i definitely want to ctb and at some particular moment... i kinda want to do a suicide attempt, but not really die. I know it's fcking twisted and crazy... i don't know why.. and how. Does someone thinks the same?? It's like i have an obsession for suicide? I struggle to know if my feelings and suffering are valid, so i feel like it would somehow validate them? gosh i don't know if you get what i mean. It's like "wow she did an sa... she must be in some big pain". While if i don't attempt, it's that i wasn't that bad. But i'm fcking crazy !!!! am i jealous or something???? If i do a suicide attempt my psych would take my case seriously, i would go to psych ward and finally i would feel like my suffering is valid. I have nobody, but i want nobody.

( I'm feeling extremely weird. There is a guy in my old class who attempt suicide recently.. apparently.. at least he was on a bridge and said to his friend he will jump. )


Also i always feel like everybody's else suffering is not the same compared to mine. Well i know some people are really suffering; but i am obsessed at trying to make the difference between """"""attention seeker""""""""/people who exaggerate and don't use the right words, and people who a truly in pain.

There you have it, an example of the compulsive thoughts that are constantly haunting my mind. But at the same time i feel like they are somewhat valid, that i am somewhat right.

This is weird..i don't always think like that.

 

[willitpass]

i feel that too. sometimes i just want to attempt and don't care whether i die or not, other times i pray to god it kills me. i don't go through with it but sometimes i just get the urge to attempt, even if i might be having an okay day. i guess it's just because suicidal thoughts have been a part of my life for so long that my mind has kind of normalized them.

 

[Lady black]

This is not so seldom as you think, that a suicide attempt is used as a call for help. It´s often when people think they are not taken serious. But be careful: An attempt can be a succesful suicide, although you though everything is safe and you can´t die. Such cries for help are often more lethal than many serious attempts.

 

[_Minsk]

i can relate a lot to that way of thinking^^

 

[SleeplessSoul]

I really relate to this! I took an overdose in February and I don't even know if I wanted to kill myself. I panicked and ending up phoning an ambulance. I just couldn't stop thinking about overdosing and doing something to harm myself. It was the closest I could get to dying I guess. Nothing really happened though and the crisis team discharged me like two days after I got out of hospital.

 

[faust]

Everybody is suffering in their own way. The reasons why somebody wants to CTB will have a different spectrum of feelings than any other person has.
I would not like to try to CTB, it does not make any sense for me. Only do that for the first and the last time. I have no means and no time to play with suicide. It is not a game. Your thoughts may be very strange, however it is a blessing that our thoughts are not reality sometimes. Let them be no more than just thoughts.

 

[miguel6565]

also thinking that also could be Survival instinct trying to save you

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

Yes sometimes I want to give myself a 50/50 chance of living or dying and see where that gets me. I want to attempt but I don't really care what the result would be. I think it's mostly just to hurt myself. But yes I can relate and I don't think it's twisted