lemonandcapers
I Wanna End Me (she/her)
- Jun 7, 2025
- 109
Yesterday, I thought I was doing well. My mind buzzed with ideas of hobbies I could start such as songwriting or writing novels. My motivation to partake in activism was at an all time high, and I researched issues I was less educated on. I checked in on communities I distanced myself from since becoming actively suicidal. I thought I was finally getting over this rough patch.
Then, this morning, it all changes. I wake up with the uneasiness and dread I had been running from. My mind attempts to grasp at something, anything to justify my existence and my continuation of crawling through life day by day, but I come up empty handed. The previous day's activities are trivial compared to the enormous weight of the words "What now?". If life is what you make it, the projects I throw myself into, the friends I talk to, the food I eat, the places I go... they are all bandage solutions to the problem that is my justification for continued existence. Even before becoming actively suicidal, I ran from this void. It would always catch me in the vulnerable moments of the night. I've thrown medication after medication at this beast and jumped from therapist to therapist, but it exists unbothered.
I realized I forgot to take my mood stabilizers, and that could be a reason why I woke up feeling like this. However, even on days where I do not forget my mood stabilizers the night before, I find myself experiencing this same flavor of existential dread. It is suffering to trudge through life with no end in sight, no goal.
Then, this morning, it all changes. I wake up with the uneasiness and dread I had been running from. My mind attempts to grasp at something, anything to justify my existence and my continuation of crawling through life day by day, but I come up empty handed. The previous day's activities are trivial compared to the enormous weight of the words "What now?". If life is what you make it, the projects I throw myself into, the friends I talk to, the food I eat, the places I go... they are all bandage solutions to the problem that is my justification for continued existence. Even before becoming actively suicidal, I ran from this void. It would always catch me in the vulnerable moments of the night. I've thrown medication after medication at this beast and jumped from therapist to therapist, but it exists unbothered.
I realized I forgot to take my mood stabilizers, and that could be a reason why I woke up feeling like this. However, even on days where I do not forget my mood stabilizers the night before, I find myself experiencing this same flavor of existential dread. It is suffering to trudge through life with no end in sight, no goal.
