The Urge to harm myself

[SuicidalSymphonies]

I am trying to recover, but all I can think about is CTB.

I'm struggling with myself not to cut, or starve myself.. Or anything that will harm my physical being so that I'm skinnier, or get the quick rush from the pain.

I'm scared of there being no way out of this. "It would be better for everyone I know if I died."
I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.

Am I obsessed with dying or have things gotten too difficult. I'm medicated and that's the only thing between me living or ending it.

I feel that I have no quality of life. I'm just so depressed. It isn't even just recently or since I joined. I've been depressed and suicidal for the majority of my life.

All I am looking forward to and hanging on to is the end of this pandemic, so that I may see the love of my life.

Thanks for reading if you did.. x

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

OMG this represents me so much. I have hated my life since I waist my teens. I washing abused before then but I didnt see it as abuse till I got older. And then there abuse went from home, to school, to everywhere else.

I harm myself mentally and sometimes try to cut my skin with my nails. I hate pain and I hate feeling my emotions so I try to escape through void games or other distractions. Its not healthy but whatever. You're not alone

 

[Sinai Silence]

When I have the urge to self harm I either pinch myself or flick elastic bands on my arms, it doesn't help every time but having an outlet of pain helps a lot.

I hope you can hold on to see your love, the pandemic has been tough especially for people who suffer with their own thoughts.

 

[Deleted member 19654]

We're all here to listen and to talk if that's what you need. Keep the plans to see the love of your life as a goal that you can work towards. Each day that you make it through, is a day closer that you'll be able to see them. maybe the recovery forum is a place you could post/hang out.

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

We're all here to listen and to talk if that's what you need. Keep the plans to see the love of your life as a goal that you can work towards. Each day that you make it through, is a day closer that you'll be able to see them. maybe the recovery forum is a place you could post/hang out.

Thank you so much. I am trying to keep my mind on seeing him. However, I've visited Recovery and I unfortunately don't really relate to most of the posts.. I still want to ctb.

 

[Deleted member 19654]

Thank you so much. I am trying to keep my mind on seeing him. However, I've visited Recovery and I unfortunately don't really relate to most of the posts.. I still want to ctb.

Maybe try posting over there? Perhaps there are people in that section who also don't relate to other posts but may relate to you.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I do get cravings for self harm but am (thankfully I guess) stopped from doing it by the fact that my parents are around a lot and got pretty angry with me when I last did it. Suicide definitely can become a bit of an obsession, and the negative thoughts go from being a response to hard situations to being a bad habit. It does start to kill your quality of life since even the 'good' moments get overshadowed by a flood of self hatred and fear.

imo being able to look forward to seeing someone you love is a valid mood boost and could be good motivation to press on. Definitely focus on things like that where possible, and I hope all goes well for you.

 

[CC123]

Best wishes for your work on recovery.