the ups and downs of suicidal ideation

[hopelessdreams]

it's funny how we always come back to the things that destroy us, atleast how i always come back. i go through weeks where i rarely think about leaving, and then something snaps and i'm back to thinking about it non stop. it happens so randomly too. i may be watching a youtube video or in the middle of a work out and think: "wow, i really want to end my life."

i contradict myself too when i compare the two stages (passive and actively suicidal). when i'm passive i convince myself nothing matters, so might as well see what i can make of my life. might as well customize my character (how i see it) and see what full potential i can reach.

when i want to end it all i don't care what i do or try to do; it all seems like a never ending highway with traffic that is out for your neck.

will it always be like this? i know even if i want to end it tomorrow i won't be able to. i will have to wait more years to establish myself and isolate from family if i'm really considering doing it.

a significant other sounds scary; i don't want to drag another person down with me and my thoughts. let alone children; i will not leave them behind without parents. it's either all in or all out for me.
i've read posts from older people on here. some say it gets better with time, some say you just learn to deal with it. how tho?

 

[hungry_ghost]

i contradict myself too when i compare the two stages (passive and actively suicidal). when i'm passive i convince myself nothing matters, so might as well see what i can make of my life. might as well customize my character (how i see it) and see what full potential i can reach.

when i want to end it all i don't care what i do or try to do; it all seems like a never ending highway with traffic that is out for your neck.

Omg, this is spot on for me as well!

I oscillate between "existence is meaningless, therefore do as thou will" and "existence is meaningless, might as well die".

The problem is, it's all good and well to take an absurdist approach to life, and but then in practice one realizes it's a lot more work to be or do anything remotely interesting, as opposed to the fantasy of our ideal self that we ducked up in our mind.

 

[TydalWave]

I think about this a lot; especially in regard to how we can ever fully trust our decision when we oscillate to this degree...

My anxiety has spiked recently, which always worsens my depression. This should make it easier to CTB but it actually makes it harder because last week I was clear headed and now every aspect of CTB, my method, and the other side gives me anxiety.

This is part of the reason why I won't let myself CTB on a low. I need to be clear headed, calm and confident when I am ready to go. I would rather that confidence come with a level of delusion than have to leave this world as an anxious wreck.

 

[SamTam33]

I think it will vary from person to person. I existed on the passive/active merry-go-round you speak of for years.

But beginning about 3 years ago, it started to heavily tilt in one direction. The one pointing towards non-existence.

This is my advice:

When you're in that indifferent/passive phase, where you say, "I might as well give it a shot and see what I can make of my life," hold on to it as tight as you possibly fucking can.

Hold on to it as if your life depended on it. Because it does.

If there are still things that make you happy (or contented), nurture those things. Treasure those things. Protect them with everything you have.

Once you crossover into that realm where absolutely nothing matters, you will look back on the indifference with such longing.

You will try to remember what it was like to be semi-functional and it will break your heart when you realize you can never go back there.

I wish I could better articulate what I mean. I wish I could let you see into the future if you choose to let go of that tiny glint of hope that still lives inside you.

It gets so much worse if you're not careful. Cherish your "good" days. Squeeze them for all they're worth.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be tiring being trapped in that situation. I cannot even imagine in any way what it must be like, in my case thoughts of suicide are all that I really know and I'm constantly thinking about exiting this world. Bringing more life into this world really is so unfair, as there is no need to create more unnecessary suffering, so it's good to hear that you don't plan to do that. But I wish you the best.

 

[hopelessdreams]

Omg, this is spot on for me as well!

I oscillate between "existence is meaningless, therefore do as thou will" and "existence is meaningless, might as well die".

The problem is, it's all good and well to take an absurdist approach to life, and but then in practice one realizes it's a lot more work to be or do anything remotely interesting, as opposed to the fantasy of our ideal self that we ducked up in our mind.

exactly. with either one of the decision comes a lot of discipline to actually pursue what that idea is. with discipline comes a lot of self analyzing, and that's where the thoughts can creep in. it's like being in a constant battle with two versions of yourself?

This is part of the reason why I won't let myself CTB on a low. I need to be clear headed, calm and confident when I am ready to go. I would rather that confidence come with a level of delusion than have to leave this world as an anxious wreck.

that's what i told myself too. but when are we truly clear headed? i feel like everything is some sort of a state of mind where the decision is not rational. the only option would be getting some help from someone else, but as we all know that is not an option in (most of) our circumstances.

i'm also really sorry to hear your issues with anxiety.. some of my friends deal with it and i have a lot of respect for the people who still are able to somewhat function and have anxiety.

I wish I could better articulate what I mean. I wish I could let you see into the future if you choose to let go of that tiny glint of hope that still lives inside you.

i think i understand what you mean? but not understand as in truly understand when you've lived through all of that. however, i get the point.

i think i've kind of been doing that already, but with the future instead of the past. looking at what i can still do (travel mostly) before i call it quits. like making a deal with myself: "once you've done all these things and still feel nothing towards the world, you can go as you please".

by the way, your way of writing is really beautiful.

It must be tiring being trapped in that situation. I cannot even imagine in any way what it must be like, in my case thoughts of suicide are all that I really know and I'm constantly thinking about exiting this world. Bringing more life into this world really is so unfair, as there is no need to create more unnecessary suffering, so it's good to hear that you don't plan to do that. But I wish you the best.

i wish you the best too FuneralCry. i've seen your posts regularly ever since i've joined ss and my heart goes out for you

 

[NoLightRemains]

The cyclical nature of these thoughts is one of the biggest reasons I'm still around. I'll have weeks of depression and planning, followed by days where I feel content and can experience joy. It makes it so hard to just make a decision, as my mind is just so fragmented and it feels like I'm always fighting myself. It is very tiring, and I wish this was easier to deal with.

 

[actual_fox]

The cyclical nature of these thoughts is one of the biggest reasons I'm still around. I'll have weeks of depression and planning, followed by days where I feel content and can experience joy. It makes it so hard to just make a decision, as my mind is just so fragmented and it feels like I'm always fighting myself. It is very tiring, and I wish this was easier to deal with.

Hey I have that too. Sometimes I can be happy for many days even. I am still coming back to suicidal thoughts. I do not think they are bad at this point. Maybe world is indeed worth leaving behind.

 

[Tintypographer]

I don't understand what triggers the ups and downs for me. It's often unfairness or seeing people treated as less value than inanimate objects. Sometimes I'll be fine and feeling that I'm suicidal but I know it and other times I fall into a pit where absolutely nothing matters at all.

An example, at a concert or waiting in line for a bathroom at a football game or even a line at some store for returns, people are treated as humans. But at jury duty or the airport I notice that all people are treated like they are less valuable than even the luggage they carry. Thats not what I'm complaining about or trying to rationalize. I just know that this sends me down what I call the "Elysium" hole where I become completely nihilistic and I clfeel that nothing has ever mattered and will never matter.

This is my personal set of problems and not anyone else's specifically.

What I'm saying is that the severe chronic depression I have on a normal day still let's me work, be effective, be articulate and still feel suicidal but the barrier to taking my own life is there. But on the dark days when I get triggered into the "nothing will matter or even be important in 500 years and everyone is a number" I even feel like taking my own life however the reason won't even affect anyone in my life currently (kids, family, etc.) So why not just do it any way because in 500 years there won't even be a record of it.

 

[NoLightRemains]

Hey I have that too. Sometimes I can be happy for many days even. I am still coming back to suicidal thoughts. I do not think they are bad at this point. Maybe world is indeed worth leaving behind.

Yes, this has been one of the biggest changes in my suicidal thoughts over time. Even on my happier days, I think about it and it just seems like a logical inevitability that I am slowly coming to terms with.

 

[lugerepair]

i contradict myself too when i compare the two stages (passive and actively suicidal). when i'm passive i convince myself nothing matters, so might as well see what i can make of my life. might as well customize my character (how i see it) and see what full potential i can reach.

when i want to end it all i don't care what i do or try to do; it all seems like a never ending highway with traffic that is out for your neck.

I relate to that a lot.

 

[Pluto]

I find it's very easy to push on for another day and hard to commit to a particular day being it. The tendency to second-guess oneself enables things to drag on indefinitely.

 

[actual_fox]

Yes, this has been one of the biggest changes in my suicidal thoughts over time. Even on my happier days, I think about it and it just seems like a logical inevitability that I am slowly coming to terms with.

It is ok- we will all die someday. I am just having problems with family. They will be in really bad state If I left.

 

[GentlyFading]

I don't know how to deal with SI. I've had passive ideation since I was around 7 and...I don't know. Living is painful--bordering on unbearable--yet for some reason I keep sticking around.

I'm sorry I can't help much, but thank you for making this thread. It's nice knowing I'm not alone.