Venting The universe is sick

[deletedaccount30982]

It's so unfair. People who want to live more than anything die everyday. Yet people like me who want nothing more than to be free try for years, doing things doctors aren't even sure how you survived, and nothing. Some people take a handful of Tylenol on an impulse attempt and die the first try, others spend years calculating the most effective ways, meanwhile self-harming every day in ways that could be lethal, and yet nothing. Some people can go through life with a few troubles that are solved in due time, others have endless turmoil that cannot be relieved.

I just don't understand what I did so wrong to deserve the hand that the universe has dealt me. I don't understand why I am in such pain yet nothing I do kills me. I don't understand how I can try every single treatment available and none of them do anything but ultimately lead me to an even lower rock bottom. I don't recognize myself anymore. I'm a shell of who I used to be. I am so desperate to be gone. I hope I go septic soon and die but I don't have any faith in anything killing me anymore because I have tried and tried and yet seen to survive one impossible thing after another. It's like some sick joke that I cant die. What a cruel joke to make the one who wants nothing more than to end their life seemingly be invincible. I'm so tired. God free me.

 

[LifeIsASadist]

Life is just a sadist.

 

[Wolf Girl]

Life is soul-crushingly unfair. I'm thinking of this really amazing wildlife rescuer who successfully killed herself due to cyberbullying about her rescue and it bothers me so much. She left behind a daughter under 5 and a loving husband. Why didn't her method fail like mine failed? Why am I here with nothing and she left behind everything? I wish I could believe in good things like God's plan or karma or something, but I don't.

 

[FadingSnowFake]

Life is wrong, I think unfair is too kind a word. Sorry for your pain and where you find yourself at this point. I used to believe the universe, being larger than life, has some kind of bigger plan ultimately and I hope somehow it may overule life's wrongness if we refuse to play by its unfair rules and find our own peace, whichever way. Now I just don't know, but I wish you all the best and hope you find peace.

 

[unluckysadness]

It's so unfair. People who want to live more than anything die everyday. Yet people like me who want nothing more than to be free try for years, doing things doctors aren't even sure how you survived, and nothing. Some people take a handful of Tylenol on an impulse attempt and die the first try, others spend years calculating the most effective ways, meanwhile self-harming every day in ways that could be lethal, and yet nothing. Some people can go through life with a few troubles that are solved in due time, others have endless turmoil that cannot be relieved.

I just don't understand what I did so wrong to deserve the hand that the universe has dealt me. I don't understand why I am in such pain yet nothing I do kills me. I don't understand how I can try every single treatment available and none of them do anything but ultimately lead me to an even lower rock bottom. I don't recognize myself anymore. I'm a shell of who I used to be. I am so desperate to be gone. I hope I go septic soon and die but I don't have any faith in anything killing me anymore because I have tried and tried and yet seen to survive one impossible thing after another. It's like some sick joke that I cant die. What a cruel joke to make the one who wants nothing more than to end their life seemingly be invincible. I'm so tired. God free me.

"It's so unfair. People who want to live more than anything die everyday"

I agree and I'm jealous of these (young) people who enjoy a full happy life and "boom" they go before getting sick or old without needing to ctb. I should be sad for these people but I'm jealous. I'm 43 so I'm not very young anymore, but I think that if I must reincarnate (I don't want to), I'd like to have a full happy life, make crazy things, exptreme sports, have a great beautiful partner all money, and die before 30 or 40 from an accident or a naural death. No time for being sick or old and no fear of the future (point of view of a single man with no kids).

 

[Cloud Busting]

What all have you tried in terms of recovery? Just curious. Sorry nothing has worked for you. Hope you find the peace and respite you seek

 

[deletedaccount30982]

What all have you tried in terms of recovery? Just curious. Sorry nothing has worked for you. Hope you find the peace and respite you seek

Over a decade of different talk therapies, including CBT, DBT, trauma based, IOPs, PHPs. So many inpatient and residential stays that I've spent a cumulative of 3 years of my life in them. You name a med I've tried it. I've had ECT and both nasal and IV ketamine. I've tried essential oils and journaling, listening to happy music, I've tried religion, exercise, socializing. I've tried everything I could get my hands on and some. All of this spanning for over a decade. Yet I've only gotten worse as time has gone on.

 

[lachrymost]

I remember when I was a teenager and I had hope that state-of-the-art therapy and psychiatry would actually help me, instead of fucking me over. What a sick joke of a world.

I really despise life. Is the benefit to those who ultimately like it really worth all the suffering and exploitation?

 

[Cloud Busting]

Over a decade of different talk therapies, including CBT, DBT, trauma based, IOPs, PHPs. So many inpatient and residential stays that I've spent a cumulative of 3 years of my life in them. You name a med I've tried it. I've had ECT and both nasal and IV ketamine. I've tried essential oils and journaling, listening to happy music, I've tried religion, exercise, socializing. I've tried everything I could get my hands on and some. All of this spanning for over a decade. Yet I've only gotten worse as time has gone on.

You've been more dedicated to recovery than me!

If people actually cared, they would be funding research on alternative treatments for individuals with treatment resistant mental illnesses. Instead, people treat mental health treatments like a catch-all, a cure-all. They'd rather blame the victim than solve the problem.

Your story is exactly why- despite being in recovery and slowly finding myself entering a healthier place- I support euthanasia. People shouldn't have to suffer to assuage the guilt of the living.

What was your ECT experience like?

 

[Hystearical]

You've been more dedicated to recovery than me!

I have a broadly similar background to her and unfortunately a lot of it was coerced.

 

[kitkat9234]

I could have written this myself big hugs to you and everyone else struggling…

 

[Unknown21]

Life is soul-crushingly unfair. I'm thinking of this really amazing wildlife rescuer who successfully killed herself due to cyberbullying about her rescue and it bothers me so much. She left behind a daughter under 5 and a loving husband. Why didn't her method fail like mine failed? Why am I here with nothing and she left behind everything? I wish I could believe in good things like God's plan or karma or something, but I don't.

Mikayla raines, she oded on prescription drugs (which is not very fatal) but somehow it worked, i was kinda surprised when i heard about her story and her ctb.

I'm so sorry, ik it's so frustrating to be trapped here, i hope you get your freedom back asap.

It's so unfair. People who want to live more than anything die everyday. Yet people like me who want nothing more than to be free try for years, doing things doctors aren't even sure how you survived, and nothing. Some people take a handful of Tylenol on an impulse attempt and die the first try, others spend years calculating the most effective ways, meanwhile self-harming every day in ways that could be lethal, and yet nothing. Some people can go through life with a few troubles that are solved in due time, others have endless turmoil that cannot be relieved.

I just don't understand what I did so wrong to deserve the hand that the universe has dealt me. I don't understand why I am in such pain yet nothing I do kills me. I don't understand how I can try every single treatment available and none of them do anything but ultimately lead me to an even lower rock bottom. I don't recognize myself anymore. I'm a shell of who I used to be. I am so desperate to be gone. I hope I go septic soon and die but I don't have any faith in anything killing me anymore because I have tried and tried and yet seen to survive one impossible thing after another. It's like some sick joke that I cant die. What a cruel joke to make the one who wants nothing more than to end their life seemingly be invincible. I'm so tired. God free me.

Life is absurd and illogical, it's completely random, luck is the most important factor, if you are lucky in some way you won't suffer.

 

[Adûnâi]

The cope could be that whenever you die, you will either have an eternity of nothingness, or at least a decent life if reincarnation exists.

 

[deletedaccount30982]

The cope could be that whenever you die, you will either have an eternity of nothingness, or at least a decent life if reincarnation exists.

Every near death experience I have had has been oblivion. Ceasing to have consciousness. I simply no longer was, and I was there to even be aware of it. The thought of it brings me immense comfort.

 

[Wolf Girl]

Mikayla raines, she oded on prescription drugs (which is not very fatal) but somehow it worked, i was kinda surprised when i heard about her story and her ctb.

I read an article that said she hanged herself in a barn or out building. I don't know which is correct. Honestly it's very possible she did both at once.

 

[Liebestod]

Agreed, I wish the universe never existed.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Every near death experience I have had has been oblivion. Ceasing to have consciousness. I simply no longer was, and I was there to even be aware of it. The thought of it brings me immense comfort.

can relate on this on my run of fent attempts. love to you no matter what, WIP. I hear and see you and the world is unfair