If there's one thing I've learned and accepted in this life- it's that suffering is a key element. No life can live without suffering to some extent. But a life that's born into suffering such as many of yourselves is a life bred to suffer; where the base instinct is to suffer- not grow
I've grown up myself shrouded in suicide- my one and only suicide attempt when I was 9 sparked a new fight in me- one that inspires me to this day… or perhaps haunts me to this day.
My childhood following that dreadful day- that dreadful tree- consisted of rage, hatred, and loneliness- things I have all since conquered except for the latter. But… until that metamorphosis could come, every day was as agonizing as the last. A family in poverty, a family in mental illness, a family of pure chaos.
As my mind slowly crept back to that suicidal road- my anger forced misplaced willpower in me. I had anger to focus on instead of sadness which I continued to supress. But… suppression is your free will's way of delaying the inevitable timer to a bomb that will shatter you the longer you supress it… as it did to me
Eventually- finally… I could not supress it any longer, and I broke- in every way imaginable. Some would call it a psychotic break- but I called it… trauma hell. For 3 months I fell into a semi-catatonic state. I should have died- I almost did. There was a moment in which my body moved on its own and tried shoving a fork into my throat… it didn't work
My body denied my mind it's desire to end- my one and only true suicide attempt manifesting itself as some sort of flashback that kept me going no matter what.
Eventually, I finally finished my metamorphosis, and realized that anger and hatred solved nothing and only caused further suffering. Over the next years I would move out and eventually come to peace with my childhood- and eventually no longer had cPTSD… but something was wrong
My new found mind continued to be tormented by thoughts of suicide. When I was stressed, I became suicidal. When I was happy… I became suicidal. I realized parts of my mind… mutated as a result of that metamorphosis described earlier. Suicide is now a part of who I am… a dark reflection of me I can't shake off.
I imagine for most of you, peace is possible and will come- whether that be through a metamorphosis like mine, or through the dark road- I assure you to be at peace with knowing it will by your own hand
I've finally realized that true peace for me will never be possible. I'm as happy and healthy as ever- I have no reason to die- but always the desire. This desire will never win, and for that I am both grateful and petrified. This desire will follow me everywhere I go, and I'll never win or lose against it, and nobody will ever know about it except my therapist. Perhaps it's some sort of suicidal OCD, perhaps it's something else. Or just maybe… it's me
Xara? My daughter- I'm sorry I didn't see the signs sooner. I, out of all people, should have been able to recognize them. I'm only here because of you, as I learned after your suicide that this is the only place you felt you could get comfort. I never told you either, so I wanted to tell you now. Just know Xara, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel- something you passionately preached to others. I hope your spirit can be at rest knowing that mine will be too and I'll always understand you to the same level you understood others
I've grown up myself shrouded in suicide- my one and only suicide attempt when I was 9 sparked a new fight in me- one that inspires me to this day… or perhaps haunts me to this day.
My childhood following that dreadful day- that dreadful tree- consisted of rage, hatred, and loneliness- things I have all since conquered except for the latter. But… until that metamorphosis could come, every day was as agonizing as the last. A family in poverty, a family in mental illness, a family of pure chaos.
As my mind slowly crept back to that suicidal road- my anger forced misplaced willpower in me. I had anger to focus on instead of sadness which I continued to supress. But… suppression is your free will's way of delaying the inevitable timer to a bomb that will shatter you the longer you supress it… as it did to me
Eventually- finally… I could not supress it any longer, and I broke- in every way imaginable. Some would call it a psychotic break- but I called it… trauma hell. For 3 months I fell into a semi-catatonic state. I should have died- I almost did. There was a moment in which my body moved on its own and tried shoving a fork into my throat… it didn't work
My body denied my mind it's desire to end- my one and only true suicide attempt manifesting itself as some sort of flashback that kept me going no matter what.
Eventually, I finally finished my metamorphosis, and realized that anger and hatred solved nothing and only caused further suffering. Over the next years I would move out and eventually come to peace with my childhood- and eventually no longer had cPTSD… but something was wrong
My new found mind continued to be tormented by thoughts of suicide. When I was stressed, I became suicidal. When I was happy… I became suicidal. I realized parts of my mind… mutated as a result of that metamorphosis described earlier. Suicide is now a part of who I am… a dark reflection of me I can't shake off.
I imagine for most of you, peace is possible and will come- whether that be through a metamorphosis like mine, or through the dark road- I assure you to be at peace with knowing it will by your own hand
I've finally realized that true peace for me will never be possible. I'm as happy and healthy as ever- I have no reason to die- but always the desire. This desire will never win, and for that I am both grateful and petrified. This desire will follow me everywhere I go, and I'll never win or lose against it, and nobody will ever know about it except my therapist. Perhaps it's some sort of suicidal OCD, perhaps it's something else. Or just maybe… it's me
Xara? My daughter- I'm sorry I didn't see the signs sooner. I, out of all people, should have been able to recognize them. I'm only here because of you, as I learned after your suicide that this is the only place you felt you could get comfort. I never told you either, so I wanted to tell you now. Just know Xara, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel- something you passionately preached to others. I hope your spirit can be at rest knowing that mine will be too and I'll always understand you to the same level you understood others
Last edited:
