Venting The thoughts that it's better to be gone

[Praestat_Mori]

Every now and then there're these thoughts in my mind and they are clear thoughts. They show me how hopeless my situation is and how unattainable everything is. The logic consequence would be CTB. Yet I'm not suicidal enough.

 

[rotciv]

If you are not suicidal enough it is because there is still hope, focus on it.

 

[StarryEyed]

Every now and then there're these thoughts in my mind and they are clear thoughts. They show me how hopeless my situation is and how unattainable everything is. The logic consequence would be CTB. Yet I'm not suicidal enough.

Omg I sooooo relate! So many times I feel this! And it just occurred to me a few days ago that even though the ambivalence drives me crazy and even though I'm furious that I haven't had the courage to bring myself to the point of ctb, it is this very fear and ambivalence that have kept me alive. (And hope has kept me alive at other times.)

So what situation would I rather be in:

1. Living with fear and ambivalence about ctb,

Or

2. Dead.

And which would I choose? Well, I'm ambivalent about that too! It depends on the year.... the day....the moment.

 

[BlendedHeart]

Hope is just a placebo. A motivation from our brains to keep going... to nowhere. For no reason. Life doesn't give us a real motive to exist. Just do whatever society considers it's worthy at the moment of your birth. "Don't question it, just keep it going. That's life, just accept it".

The only idea that brings true happiness to my heart is to stop existing. To stop feeling. To stay away from all this nonsense I didn't choose to be in in the first place.

 

[rozeske]

Relatable! If you think deep enough it's all just so tiring. Fighting with hope and logic. Trying to decide if this hope is a logical attainable thing or if it's yet another one of our SI doing all it can to survive. All so exhausting! Anyways hope you can find your peace soon, one way or another, hopefully another ;)

 

[StarryEyed]

I have no clear idea on what life is supposed to be about or why we're here, so I finally gave up on the hope of trying to figure that out, and giving up that hope helps. I also gave up on the hope that life can exist without some form of suffering, and giving up that hope helps. I also take comfort in one indisputable fact of life that - even if I never ctb - one day I will most certainly die. Sometimes that's the best form of hope.

 

[Unknown21]

Same, my life is falling apart and there's no future for me and it is better to ctb now but I'm not suicidal enough either.

 

[destinationlosangel]

Think it through and also keep in mind that you never know what the future holds. Things could turn around anytime and even if they dont, fuck it. That's why we're here

 

[willitpass]

I have those moments too. It's quite exhausting to be in a mental battle with yourself all the time. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[Ash]

Yup.

My inner dialogue goes something like this:

Me: I can't live like this but there's absolutely nothing I can do to change the circumstances.

Me2: So go get that bus!

Me: I want to but I've got responsibilities that I have to deal with first.

Me2:

 

[StarryEyed]

Yup.

My inner dialogue goes something like this:

Me: I can't live like this but there's absolutely nothing I can do to change the circumstances.

Me2: So go get that bus!

Me: I want to but I've got responsibilities that I have to deal with first.

Me2:

Are you quoting me??? !!! Totally relate! And arguably, maybe that's why we're all here in this world and that's the meaning of life - responsibilities to take care of each other? Who knows?