I'm sure I have seen this discussed now and then but, I felt like discussing it today.
Does anyone else feel a sense of excitement around suicide? Especially passive ideation in particular. If I'm honest, the practicalities of active ideation still scare the shit out of me. Making an attempt isn't at all appealing. It's really just something I know I'll need to be brave enough to put myself through if I really want out. So, that side of things makes suicide both scary- given what methods we have access to and, frustrating- seeing as I'm not convinced I'll have the guts to use them.
I also want to say that I'm not a promortalist as such. I don't exactly worship death as the solution to everyone's problems. I'm just expressing my personal views around suicide. Not trying to celebrate them. Just more curious as to whether others feel the same.
But, my passive ideation was for a long time a comfort to me. A kind of backup plan, that if life really felt too much one day, it would be there as an option. Now, it feels more like I'm actively looking forward to it.
So much about life I simply don't want to do now. When I find myself anticipating or participating in it, I find myself thinking: 'It's going to be amazing to kill myself and be free from all this utter crap.'
The closest I can get to describing it is if anyone has ever worked a really stressful and exploitative job here. That incredible feeling you get when you know you're going to resign. Then, you do and you walk out that door for the last time.
I guess, the weird thing about suicide is that we (likely) only get to enjoy that sense of relief while we're alive. So, maybe I'm just making the most of it now. Weirdly, it's almost giving me strength to carry on.
I do still want to wait for my Dad to pass first. While I'm excited about suicide myself, I don't think my loved ones will share the same view.
Still, I'm telling myself that- ok- you're still stuck in this shit for now but, it won't be forever. Just hold on a little longer. Try to make things easy for yourself on the way and one day, you'll have done your time and you'll be free for release. And yes, it does feel a bit like a prison sentence. That I'm effectively doing the time for my Dad's sake. I still think he's worth it but I do wish my parents had made other choices in life that didn't involve bringing me alive.
I guess I'm also curious I suppose. I expect we do have a range of feelings around suicide here. Some people view it more as a tragedy that they're being pushed towards. I expect some, even here would find it perverse that people actually feel excited about suicide.
I think anhedonia is quite common here. So, I suppose I'm curious really. For those who do experience anhedonia and find little pleasure or joy in life, do they feel any kind of excitement around death?
It's kind of weird because I know my life could be so much worse. Maybe for the majority, our quality of life is so much better than it has been in the past. Still, something's clearly wrong when even a fraction of people seem to be more looking forward to death than anything else!
Maybe it's just sentience, self awareness and greater freedom (comparitively) to act on it. Ok, methods are restricted but, I imagine secular societies feel more free to act on their ideation without religious repercutions. Plus, in general, I think we feel less inclined to comply to life.
Any thoughts?
Does anyone else feel a sense of excitement around suicide? Especially passive ideation in particular. If I'm honest, the practicalities of active ideation still scare the shit out of me. Making an attempt isn't at all appealing. It's really just something I know I'll need to be brave enough to put myself through if I really want out. So, that side of things makes suicide both scary- given what methods we have access to and, frustrating- seeing as I'm not convinced I'll have the guts to use them.
I also want to say that I'm not a promortalist as such. I don't exactly worship death as the solution to everyone's problems. I'm just expressing my personal views around suicide. Not trying to celebrate them. Just more curious as to whether others feel the same.
But, my passive ideation was for a long time a comfort to me. A kind of backup plan, that if life really felt too much one day, it would be there as an option. Now, it feels more like I'm actively looking forward to it.
So much about life I simply don't want to do now. When I find myself anticipating or participating in it, I find myself thinking: 'It's going to be amazing to kill myself and be free from all this utter crap.'
The closest I can get to describing it is if anyone has ever worked a really stressful and exploitative job here. That incredible feeling you get when you know you're going to resign. Then, you do and you walk out that door for the last time.
I guess, the weird thing about suicide is that we (likely) only get to enjoy that sense of relief while we're alive. So, maybe I'm just making the most of it now. Weirdly, it's almost giving me strength to carry on.
I do still want to wait for my Dad to pass first. While I'm excited about suicide myself, I don't think my loved ones will share the same view.
Still, I'm telling myself that- ok- you're still stuck in this shit for now but, it won't be forever. Just hold on a little longer. Try to make things easy for yourself on the way and one day, you'll have done your time and you'll be free for release. And yes, it does feel a bit like a prison sentence. That I'm effectively doing the time for my Dad's sake. I still think he's worth it but I do wish my parents had made other choices in life that didn't involve bringing me alive.
I guess I'm also curious I suppose. I expect we do have a range of feelings around suicide here. Some people view it more as a tragedy that they're being pushed towards. I expect some, even here would find it perverse that people actually feel excited about suicide.
I think anhedonia is quite common here. So, I suppose I'm curious really. For those who do experience anhedonia and find little pleasure or joy in life, do they feel any kind of excitement around death?
It's kind of weird because I know my life could be so much worse. Maybe for the majority, our quality of life is so much better than it has been in the past. Still, something's clearly wrong when even a fraction of people seem to be more looking forward to death than anything else!
Maybe it's just sentience, self awareness and greater freedom (comparitively) to act on it. Ok, methods are restricted but, I imagine secular societies feel more free to act on their ideation without religious repercutions. Plus, in general, I think we feel less inclined to comply to life.
Any thoughts?
