Discussion How secret is your ideation? Poll

[binkie]

Everyone knows I deal with suicidal ideation. I don't feel ashamed about it so I speak openly about it. I know that if/when I decide to ctb I can't say anything, but while I'm still trying to live I need their support and understanding.

 

[sad.lgbtq]

Currently most people in my life (so not too many) know. Including work.

I wish they didn't. I don't want them feeling like they should have done more or anything when I'm gone.

I'm just always saying the wrong things.

That and a 3 month tour of my states best inpatient/outpatient programs, is hard to explain away at work.....

 

[resurgence]

basically everyone. its to the point a friend of a family member just knows and i dont even know that family member. kinda comes with becoming very mentally ill as a kid and then being in treatment and hospitals for attempts until i became an adult. to this day everyone knows still and no ones even surprised. i do think they dont realize how bad it really is and how if i was given an out id take it, though.

 

[harlow-paige]

really only one or two people that i'm not even in contact with anymore know the full extent of how i feel about all that. i like to think i'm pretty good at masking with my quirky fun girl facade and being avoidant with people i interact with in person that nobody would really suspect anything.

 

[PlutonianRooster]

The only person I've clearly told about it is my now-ex. I downplayed how often the thoughts were, and swore that I could never actually go through with it, though, because the idea scared them.

Some others might suspect it from me being a little more loose-lipped when drunk/high. The most direct I've gotten is telling someone I called a hotline once (I didn't specify, but what else do you call a hotline for?).

My parents asked if I'm depressed a few months ago, but I denied it. I don't want them and their views involved.

I stopped having any use for Discord after I got broken up with and isolated from the friend group I shared with my ex, but I don't want to delete my account, so I just left a link in my profile on how to help someone who opens up about being suicidal - treatment I wish I could have received. Partially out of the desire to leave something good behind, partially as a little cry for help that won't draw shame or too much attention, I suppose. I strongly doubt anyone will see it, but it's a 'might as well' sort of thing.

 

[SNastablesalt]

I make it so obvious, everyone thinks its just attention seeking. cant wait to prove them wrong!!

 

[SoulWhisperer]

That I'm aware of my family things I'm just "weird" and "asocial on purpose" and they don't "believe in mental health/depression" so I think my cavemen parents probably think suicide won't ever affect our family. So unless something changes I'm "safe" and nobody irl should know. I hope to keep it that way, it's safer this way.

 

[Johnzaga23]

my family got a gimpse of it, but they don't know the intensity of it

 

[AnxiousLife]

Only a few people, that I am not in contact with anymore, know. Some of the people I have in my life now, may suspect

 

[ConfusedClouds]

Noone irl. And thats one of the biggest reasons that has stopped me attempting - the risk of a failed attempt blowing the cover right off (and obvs physical harm/disablement risk of failure)

Never explicitly discussed it with my therapist either. Hinted in some of the email notes I send. Part cry for help. Part set scene. But part shut myself up/regret. But then I think she knows that if she was too blunt and/or asked directly I'd likely freeze up and spook and run a mile. And also its clear I'm not too active in planning atm. So she is probably aware but never discussed.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Very few know, probably nobody suspects but anyway nobody takes me seriously.

 

[Blueberry Panic]

After being to psych ward back to back and almost dying a number of times ... yeah they know.
After being to psych ward back to back and almost dying a number of times ... yeah they know.

 

[DeadEndRoad]

No one knows and apparently no one suspects anything. Ive never told anyone anything, not even once. It's weird because people close to me don't see it, but strangers can. For example, my mom's girlfriend (2 yrs) pointed out some of my behaviors and said it seemed like I was depressed. My mom quickly shut it down and said she didn't think I was depressed. I didn't even know this conversation had taken place until she told me. The thing is... my mom has attempted suicide before when she was younger. My dad has expressed the desire before too. My cousin even confided in me that he's thought about killing himself. When my sister was depressed, my mom noticed immediately and got her into therapy where she was given antidepressants. Not for me though. My point is that these people have been through it before. They know what it looks like. They can't claim ignorance. I'm not sure which is worse; them not caring enough to try to help me, or them not caring enough to even notice that there's something wrong with me in the first place.

 

[mirisasofia09]

I have only shared my ideas on this forum and on a group of autistic people like me. My father's family, the only one I still have alive, doesn't have the slightest idea (but knowing them they would be happy to get rid of me). I practically have no friends left except two or three but they live far away and I don't want to scare them.

 

[bananaolympus]

most know because i did make a serious attempt now years later i don't know if they know i still wanna cbt i suspect that some do

 

[JesiBel]

I've talked to my sister about it, and now I regret it. She gets very stressed now if she sees me feeling down, sad or depressed..

 

[The_Hunter]

i feel a tad limited by the range defined in this poll--most would never suspect me but i have told a few close friends about it. so i suppose that is my answer to this

 

[Boots2Scoots]

This is a funny time to see this post.... so I'm in my final days and so I'm making sure to give everyone one good last time. Out to dinner with my mom and while we're laughing having a great time, she said how worried she is that I'd do this one day. Had to bite my tongue hard because this is meant to be a great time but ohhhhh I feel like a piece of crap for saying "nahhhh no way would I ever". CTB is rough sometimes but this is the way it needs to be

 

[platypus77]

i feel a tad limited by the range defined in this poll--most would never suspect me but i have told a few close friends about it. so i suppose that is my answer ot this

Bruh, from our few interactions, you're so likeable that even I don't suspect you want it.

 

[The_Hunter]

Bruh, from our few interactions, you're so likeable that even I don't suspect you want it.

ty, lol XD

 

[The_Hunter]

This is a funny time to see this post.... so I'm in my final days and so I'm making sure to give everyone one good last time. Out to dinner with my mom and while we're laughing having a great time, she said how worried she is that I'd do this one day. Had to bite my tongue hard because this is meant to be a great time but ohhhhh I feel like a piece of crap for saying "nahhhh no way would I ever". CTB is rough sometimes but this is the way it needs to be

know that you're always free to decide as you wish, and that you don't have to be bound [in decision] by any previous choice of yours

With new information, you just might need to leave some commitments behind. There's no reason to feel guilty about that.

The Romantic view of the self is that there's no need to feel enslaved to an idea of ourselves that we wanted in the past.

—The Paris Review

I say this not to say "you must do X!!" but to say "you can pick X or Y as you please"--feeling ambivalence with our own decision is quite the finicky thing, and allowing ourselves to remember that, at the end of the day--we can do as we actually want to and not [actually] forced to do what we think we have to; really is a very freeing thing that can help net us more peace.

wishing you a lovely day.

--Hunter

 

[kvorumese]

Well I've only ever told 3 people about my ideations, 1 of whom I don't talk to anymore and the other 2 are online friends. However I am giving signals left and right that scream "this guy is suidical as shit!", not that I intend for someone to care, it's just harder to hide than to put on display

 

[grapevoid]

Personally, I've found opening up to people about my ideation makes it worse. People's reactions make me feel worse and at times have sprung me into a reactive suicidal depressive state.

Everyone close to me KNOWS because of a failed attempt, not sure if they still think I'm in danger but might in the back of their minds.