The statistics make it look so easy, but it’s so hard

[Mr. Incapable]

This is more of a frustration vent to myself rather than a proper post but I'm just overwhelmingly stressed and frustrated by my lack of capability, will, determination, strength, courage, bravery.. all the above. That's not to say or suggest I don't want to die, it's purely because I'm weak. Hanging is my choice method and over the last two years I've put my head through the ligature many times but always backed out because I couldn't reach a point of unconsciousness or survival instinct got the better of me. After so many attempts it's easy to blame the method and say 'well it just doesn't work for me!'.. 'I wanted to die but it didn't happen so it's the methods fault and nothing to do with me' when in reality it has absolutely everything to do with me. You can't argue with the facts, figures or statistics. Hanging works. It wouldn't be one of the most common methods worldwide if that wasn't true.. and that includes full, partial and self strangulation. Hanging doesn't have limitations on who it works for.. young, old, men, women, disabled, abled, rich or poor.. as long as there's a strong enough ligature and support, and enough privacy to not be found then there's no reason for it to not work other than the person not pushing enough, not trying hard enough.. and maybe I didn't realise it at the time, but perhaps I really wasn't trying hard enough. Letting go is scary. I think rather than getting over the fear, I need to push through the fear.. I need to push myself to greater limits otherwise I'm going to continue in this cycle of attempting and failing while the world around me (my circumstances and situation) falls apart. I think it would be easier if I was under the influence of something but I don't have access to prescription medicines and I've tried drinking beforehand but it just made me feel so tired and sad that I ended up sleeping it off. There's been many cases and reports I've read where toxicology results came back saying no drugs or alcohol were used so I know I just need to be brave.

I'm aware that a lot of people on this forum don't like the idea of hanging and think there's more peaceful ways to go, but I think every method has that same initial fear factor. Whether it's SN, a gun, jumping.. we're all met by that wall of hesitation that's not impossible to climb but it is a challenge and only a few of us per attempt are able to get over it while the rest of us fall down until we're strong enough to get back up and try again..

I can't go on like this for much longer.. something has got to give. I'm a man in my early 30's.. I am a prime example of the statistics when it comes to age, gender, employment status, relationship status, most common time of the year, method etc etc.. I know I'm only human, but it does make me feel truly weak and pathetic when I see so many teens, middle aged men and women or elderly people able to endure it.. even by methods that are more painful or difficult

 

[BetweenRadioStations]

I hear you loud and clear and definitely relate. Thank you for the post.

 

[Seeking_Peace]

It's not a common practice in hanging but handcuffing your hands behind your back would remove an escape w/ full method. Just have to be 100% sure about it.

 

[FuneralCry]

Hanging does scare me a lot and I have never personally attempted it. I agree that it makes hanging seem easy when you hear about all the people who have succeeded with it, but in reality it is difficult. There is the SI and the thing that holds me back is the most is the fear of failure. It is so unfair how we live such awful lives and yet it is so difficult to leave. I wish that I never existed at all, so I would not have to think about ctb. I envy those who are gone, they are lucky as they do not have to endure this pointless life anymore. I hope that you find what you are looking for.

 

[Suicideorgy]

I havent gotten partial hanging to work. Maybe I am using the wrong length or something but I cant really get in a good position for it to squeeze my arteries without crushing my airway. I also cant seem to pass out using my fingers on my carotid either. If its that unreliable when I am actively trying to do it how is gonna be when I start thrashing.

 

[Mr. Incapable]

I havent gotten partial hanging to work. Maybe I am using the wrong length or something but I cant really get in a good position for it to squeeze my arteries without crushing my airway. I also cant seem to pass out using my fingers on my carotid either. If its that unreliable when I am actively trying to do it how is gonna be when I start thrashing.

I haven't got partial to work yet either, but I know that I'm to blame for that. Every time I attempted I didn't apply a strong enough force to really, quickly induce unconsciousness until my body could hang with its full weight. There's two main functions of death when it comes to hanging - asphyxia (inability to breathe) and hypoxia (lack of blood through to brain via carotids). I think asphyxia is the one that most people, including myself, are afraid of and that's why every time I attempted I kept trying to aim for the sweet spot for my carotids while trying the absolute most to avoid crushing my windpipe. I think I'm just going to have to suck it up and apply full force regardless of my windpipe. I think a lot of us forget that hanging is a form of strangulation and typically strangulation occurs due to asphyxia more often.. I really wonder how long it would take for me to pass out if I just go for it.. maybe if I apply full force it'll crush my windpipe and carotids at the same time and I'll fall unconscious fast and then it's over.. ah.. why is this so difficult? I really wish I could've done this back in 2010, before I had read so much information and back when I was more impulsive.. maybe I would've cared less about what happens during and after

 

[friendofbirds]

most people who successfully killed themselves had multiple unsuccessful attempts beforehand, for what its worth.

 

[Ash’Girl]

I was about to post on this very topic and this came up as a suggested similar thread.

I hear you.

I'm late 30s. I don't think I've gone much of any extended period of time since my age was in single digits without thinking about CTB. The attempts started when I was 12, but I didn't have a clue what I was doing then and cutting and overdoses rarely work, or at least given my history.

I finally got happy last year, after years of struggling: met my person and finally experienced how the other half live. I stopped thinking about CTB. Somehow having him in my life made everything brighter and there wasn't a struggle anymore, I stopped just existing, started living, and this man had my back through anything. We started making so many future plans and I could actually envision them. And he never expected me to be anyone but me, if I was struggling, he was there, no judgement, just safe arms and a shoulder.

People take that for granted but I knew how precious it was.

He died. He didn't CTB, he just died - quickly and unexpectedly. Cardiac arrest and I couldn't save him. Since that day everything is even worse than it was before I met him, because it's like the universe gifted me something I never thought I'd have then ripped it away and I'm drowning.

The last few months I've attempted partial so many times, to the point I'm not sure if I gave myself some sort of embolism because for a while, breathing got really difficult. I didn't care though, I kind of hoped I'd just die so it'd take away my having to figure out how to fight past the SI.

It's not the easy way out, at all. I wish it was, but I keep fucking it up. Alcohol and propranolol, sleeping pills, I still can't seem to do it. And it's not because I want to be here, because every day I feel like I'm burning alive from the inside out and I just want to be gone.

People say "it'll get better". When? Statistically for me it never got any damn better til he found me and that took almost 4 decades. Now he's gone and he'll never be back and the thought of another 4 decades like the first 4 is not something I want. I'm sick of fighting for a life I don't want. But I'm too weak to follow through, apparently. If there was a quick switch you could flip to end it all painlessly and immediately then I'd be set but I overthink too much about the what ifs of failure.