I know that it wasn't about me and I didn't want it to be.
I tried to offer support in the way that I did, I felt misunderstood but still wanted to help, so I tried to clarify. Then I saw I was being called a gaslighter, which I found actually insulting.
In no way did I want to explain to her how she felt, which I clarified multiple times. From where I was standing I could see nothing but fear coming from her and tried maybe help her see something outside if that, instead of confirming preconceived notions.
As I said, I've sat on both sides of the desk, and I can genuinely say, with no intention to insult you, and I hope you can hear this, my impression from your words I've read closely is that you were acting within a framework of preconceived notions -- within the power of international social work, from a position that unintentionally infantilizes others in a disempowered position from your higher up position. I believe you that you sincerely mean well, and I don't know that you're in a place to hear heartfelt and knowledgeable constructive criticism without taking it as an assault on your good heart and on your deeply held and admirable beliefs.
Like, I wish you could go undercover and apply for social services and feel what it's like to not be in the privileged position you don't recognize you're in, how no matter how educated and skilled and perceptive you are, you will be treated as having no individual power, no authority to speak up for yourself, nor be taken as an equal person who knows your own experience, value, equal needs and inherent right to respect. I wish you could go undercover and spend two weeks in a DV or homeless shelter and be stripped of the ostensibly natural social worth and importance that you have, that you matter, that you're paid attention to, listened to, and that your opinion and rights and power over your own well-being carries
weight -- stripped by people who are trying to help you, and really believe they are acting from that place.
I say this recognizing myself also. I get regularly humbled on this forum. I have a sense of confidence and rightness, I have frameworks that guide me, but I can look back at things I've said to others and recognize I sometimes have a similar higher, privileged, blurry perspective when I think I've seen so clearly, when I've been so
right. It's always uncomfortable to recognize it, but I also want to keep continuing to grow and improve, so while it stings me and briefly shames me when I recognize I've been in error, my confidence and good heart also serve me to get through, honor my humbling experience, and use it to help build me to be at least a little better of a fellow human than I was before, and at the least, catch myself more quickly when I'm experiencing being "right." It's certainly helping me heal my perfectionism issues!
Anyhow, I'm not saying this as an indictment of you but of my self in what I perceive as a relatively comparable position, and with compassion for both of us. I recognize the nobility of your profession, as well as some of its blind spots, and I'm learning to recognize the same things about myself, someone who is noble but also has blind spots, and who can do unintended harm when my heart and intentions are good. I'm human. I make errors. I try to build on my strengths and goodness to improve as best I can, and I will never achieve perfection.
A quick aside for clarification, I didn't say you told her how she felt. I used that word a lot in my comment to you, but in reference to me. I can see how that misperception may have happened.
I wish you well. It may be uncomfortable between us for this moment, but it will pass, and I hold no ill feelings toward you. Wherever I have communicated imperfectly, I apologize, I truly mean good and not harm, and I promise I'm doing my heartfelt best.
