The snowballing effect of falling behind in life

[eternalmelancholy]

Everyone I know around my age group has something going for them. They have established careers, bought their first homes, multiple luxury cars, getting married and starting their own families. Meanwhile I have been aimlessly wandering from one dead end job to another just to barely survive month to month. I don't know why I cling on to life so desperately when I have nothing to show for it. I don't even feel human most days.

I am stuck in this purgatory where I am not really living but can't die yet. My life continues to spiral out of control while I just standby and watch it unfold. With each passing year I am digging my grave even deeper. Fully committing to either CTB or recovery would be better than just waiting around for some miracle to happen.

Life always has a way of surprising you. I keep thinking this is my rock bottom but things always keep getting worse. I can't even begin to imagine all the horror, pain and humiliation that is waiting for me in the coming years.

 

[FuneralCry]

Being alive is horrible. There is no limit as to how bad things can get, there is unlimited potential for suffering in this life. I also dread the future, but I know when things get worse that will send me over the edge and then I believe I will actually ctb. In my opinion, I see it as better to never be born in the first place.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Being alive is horrible. There is no limit as to how bad things can get, there is unlimited potential for suffering in this life. I also dread the future, but I know when things get worse that will send me over the edge and then I believe I will actually ctb. In my opinion, I see it as better to never be born in the first place.

You said it. It is impossible to predict just how bad life can get. I am starting to think there is no such thing as rock bottom. Reading some of the threads on here I am horrified at how bad some of our members have it. Makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit for wanting to ctb.

 

[idiot_dad]

Life is suffering, but trust me, a lot of those people with all the accomplishments you listed are pretty damn miserable as well. The fulfillment that comes from materials possessions and achievements is very fleeting. I'm not discounting money at all - it's hard to be satisfied in life if you don't have food or shelter - but a lot of "successful" people drive themselves insane by chasing material things that will never ever satisfy them.

I live in a neighborhood full of "well off" people, and a lot of them are the most miserable zombies you've ever met in your life.

My best friend lives the life I wish I could - he works the bare minimum to get by, and spends his free time however he wants. Does he live in a nice place? Absolutely not. Can he play guitar all day, hang out on his patio, and drink a beer whenever he wants? Absolutely yes. He gives me so much shit for all the time I waste on work, and I deserve it.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Life is suffering, but trust me, a lot of those people with all the accomplishments you listed are pretty damn miserable as well. The fulfillment that comes from materials possessions and achievements is very fleeting. I'm not discounting money at all - it's hard to be satisfied in life if you don't have food or shelter - but a lot of "successful" people drive themselves insane by chasing material things that will never ever satisfy them.

Well you need money to do anything. People always say to pick up new hobbies, sports, travel, etc to combat depression but all of that costs a lot of money. Even meeting new people and maintaining relationships costs money.

Having a respectable career is way better than demeaning yourself for shit pay just to survive month to month. I know it is my fault because I lack the smarts, education, experience, etc to pursue a fulfilling career. But it certainly does not make me feel any better about my situation.

I don't know why people always say money does not matter but you will never see them give their money up.

 

[idiot_dad]

Well you need money to do anything. People always say to pick up new hobbies, sports, travel, etc to combat depression but all of that costs a lot of money. Even meeting new people and maintaining relationships costs money.

This is certainly true for a lot of hobbies, I suppose it just matters on what you're interested in. My current favorite hobby is bird watching (I'm old / lame) and it doesn't cost me much of anything. I just like the peace of it - plus it feels like real life pokemon haha. I've also been watching a lot of this YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC3CBOpT2-NRvoc2ecFMDCsA, it's a guy who roams around talking about his plant knowledge. It's super interesting to me, so I've been trying to pay more attention about the plants I see as I walk around my neighborhood.

I don't really care for travel all that much, I prefer to stay in my neighborhood. I like to cook as well, which actually ends up saving me quite a bit of money as it's much less expensive than eating out.

My only hobby that actually costs money is boxing, and that's because I have to pay the monthly gym membership. I suspend that every now and again when money gets tight.

Lastly - fuck work, and fuck people that make you feel less than for where you're at in life. They are the real suckers - they are selling their most valuable resource (their time) for pennies on the dollar to people who don't give a fuck about them. As far as I'm concerned, you're doing way better than any of them.

 

[ClownMe]

I share your pain. I wish we didn't have to suffer.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I made a thread about this once too, as it bothers me so much. I sincerely believe this is one of the most neglected issues out there simply due to the nature of it being such a hard pill to swallow.

Humans love to believe we have total control no matter the situation, regardless of the validity of this trite mantra.

Don't feel bad for not hitting some arbitrary goals, you are much wiser for not rushing into a loveless marriage, a stressful job, or bringing new beings into this messed up world. Though I know it is possible in some cases to find a career you genuinely enjoy, or a soulmate you want to spend the rest of your days with, happy endings are so rare.

So many people who seem to have it all aren't happy either, material possessions and vanity just make it easier to conceal a sense of ennui and dissatisfaction with life, as sad as it is.

I wish people would acknowledge that it is impossible for literally everyone to get back on the beaten life script path and find happiness. I can understand how soul crushing dead end jobs are. You deserve a lot better than slaving away for pennies.

People think we can simply move on from all roadblocks and obstacles in our lives, no matter how large or destiny altering they may be. There are events that permanently deter the course of someone's life and can't be undone.

Getting behind in school is a blip in one's trajectory that can potentially be surpassed, but not always. Despite eventually getting into a good university myself, I will always be fucking struggling as a consequence of where I was raised and the paltry educational prospects available during my adolescence. My classmates are light years ahead of me.

Lost time is always brushed aside as inconsequential. Of course things will get better, they HAVE to, in order to protect the fragile worldview that life outcomes are fair and just. Never mind the factual data that demonstrates most childhood victims and those with complex trauma never fully recover from the past. There are burdens some of us have to carry that will never be lifted.

Being ill is a whole other can of worms. Regardless of the impairments caused by your condition, whether they be mental or physical, temporary or incurable, and so on and so forth, you are expected to function like nothing is wrong. Sure we'll give you a platitude every so often that you're soo brave and strong, that's if we even believe you in the first place!

Nevermind the trap of poverty (often generational, too) where an unfair employment situation can leave you stuck and unable to even think of moving on to something better, because you don't have the time or resources to do so.


I can also relate to the feeling of purgatory. I'm not living, but I'm not dead yet either, only slowly creeping into the mindset that would allow me to overcome SI and end my pain once and for all. Truly an awful state to be in and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I made a thread about this once too, as it bothers me so much. I sincerely believe this is one of the most neglected issues out there simply due to the nature of it being such a hard pill to swallow.

People think we can simply move on from all roadblocks and obstacles in our lives, no matter how large or destiny altering they may be. There are events that permanently deter the course of someone's life and can't be undone.

Thank you for this post. I am surprised that even on here this topic is largely unaddressed. Being suicidal means putting life on hold until it gets resolved. The problem is that this period could last years or decades. Meanwhile everything else in your life starts to fall apart as a result.

Even if by some miracle the suicidal thoughts go away, now you are left with an empty life since you neglected yourself for so long. Then the suicidal thoughts creep back in because you feel worthless. I noticed the intensity comes in waves but suicidal thoughts never fully go away.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Thank you for this post. I am surprised that even on here this topic is largely unaddressed. Being suicidal means putting life on hold until it gets resolved. The problem is that this period could last years or decades. Meanwhile everything else in your life starts to fall apart as a result.

Even if by some miracle the suicidal thoughts go away, now you are left with an empty life since you neglected yourself for so long. Then the suicidal thoughts creep back in because you feel worthless. I noticed the intensity comes in waves but suicidal thoughts never fully go away.

You described this sinking feeling so well. It sorta reminds me of the pills from the Matrix, as overused as that analogy is. Once suicide pops in your head as a possibility, you will never forget that realization.

Even if the constant, nagging, intrusive thoughts do fade, the knowledge that that suicide is a potential outcome never leaves your mind, no matter how hard you try to shake it off. It's like tasting the forbidden fruit and permanently tainting your innocence.

Lots of people, well meaning mind you, but still incredibly ignorant, tell me to pray that there will be a cure for my chronic illnesses. Even if one magically spawned in this very moment, it would not compensate for the years of life I have lost due to suffering.

I have spent my entire life being a disabled freak who was bullied and ostracised for being autistic, the physical illnesses and ptsd were just the cherry on top.

They truly don't understand that these things will weigh on us forever, and there are essentially no opportunities out there to regain what's been lost. Abuse victims don't instantly gain loving families and friends. Depressed individuals don't have access to hedonistic opportunities. Memories of intense pain cannot be erased.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

You described this sinking feeling so well. It sorta reminds me of the pills from the Matrix, as overused as that analogy is. Once suicide pops in your head as a possibility, you will never forget that realization.

Even if the constant, nagging, intrusive thoughts do fade, the knowledge that that suicide is a potential outcome never leaves your mind, no matter how hard you try to shake it off. It's like tasting the forbidden fruit and permanently tainting your innocence.

You are so right. Once you realize suicide is option there is no going back. You might be able to suppress it for stretches but it will always come back up when you are stressed or when some bad life event triggers it again.

Why can't society just admit that not all lives are worth living? I know that free euthanasia for all will never happen but at least society could stop restricting access to peaceful methods.