I am scared about several things concerning this story. So I will not talk about it in detail.
I was halfway psychotic the first two times I met my crush. Women and crushes are my kyptonite. I think she then considered me insane. Recently I could make some damage repair. I am not exactly sure how much that helped. But maybe she could have still interest in me. (due to some reasons I don't want to explain.)
I have some theories which are sort of speculative. I think she talked with some people who know me better whether I am (in)sane. And I know at least from one of them that he defended me and described me as a completely normal guy. I managed to explain to her indirectly that these psychotic symptoms were only temporary and don't really represent my usual condition.
I soon of exams and really women and exams together could lead to a relapse. If I relapse I have to ctb afterwards so the stakes are high. Currently I take addictive medication every single day and I won't change that. Since I am doing that I am way clearer, less paranoid and less manic. It is dangerous concerning addiction though it is pretty objective that a relapse would be in a complete different damage dimension. I have a certain theory about something since today. Honestly it could be pretty paranoid. It was a tough day and I am was stressed out the whole day. I have the feeling this theory must be true. But the theory is that she talked with one of my professors about me and honestly this sounds somewhat paranoid. She is an assistant of that prof.
I will soon meet her again. After a very long time. I plan to numb me with the addictive medication because honestly it could fuel my demise. I still have the feeling I am in control of the situation. (due to the addictive medication). My crush will be there at my last exam and I will probably have to talk to her. This could become very very dangerous. I am very sure to take the double dosage of the addictive medication that day. Something similar happened last semester and honestly only the double dosage addictive medication saved me from a breakdown.
I try to be less certain. I am analyzing that shit way too much. I try to act in the interaction with her by my gut feeling in that moment. This is often a better plan than the thoughts which I have after decade long ruminating. I hate my life.
The only good thing is I am pretty damn good prepared for the exams. I still have a lot of time and I am ridiculously good prepared. I will work every day (except one per week) in a slow pace. This is the best for my stability. Women are really the topic that can fuck with my head completely. And I am so certain about this professor talked to her. I won't go into details but it is very likely they talked about me. But it is speculative what the content of this conversation was. Honestly the fact that I am so fucking certain about it is very suspicious. It is interesting to see how my paranoid brain works. It has a lot to do with my hopes and dreams. And the usual outcome is that my dreams are naive and I have to realize that my brain deceived me into having hope for a future (or a girlfriend),
The best I can do is: take it cool. Trying to relax. Not ruminating about it every single second. And in case nothing helps numbing my feelings with addictive sedatives. Fuck my life and my psyche.
Honestly I think this theory which I had today is paranoid. It involves some social interactions which would never happen that way. My best friends whom I explained the theory uncensored did not answer yet. But I think they will say it is paranoid as hell.
I was halfway psychotic the first two times I met my crush. Women and crushes are my kyptonite. I think she then considered me insane. Recently I could make some damage repair. I am not exactly sure how much that helped. But maybe she could have still interest in me. (due to some reasons I don't want to explain.)
I have some theories which are sort of speculative. I think she talked with some people who know me better whether I am (in)sane. And I know at least from one of them that he defended me and described me as a completely normal guy. I managed to explain to her indirectly that these psychotic symptoms were only temporary and don't really represent my usual condition.
I soon of exams and really women and exams together could lead to a relapse. If I relapse I have to ctb afterwards so the stakes are high. Currently I take addictive medication every single day and I won't change that. Since I am doing that I am way clearer, less paranoid and less manic. It is dangerous concerning addiction though it is pretty objective that a relapse would be in a complete different damage dimension. I have a certain theory about something since today. Honestly it could be pretty paranoid. It was a tough day and I am was stressed out the whole day. I have the feeling this theory must be true. But the theory is that she talked with one of my professors about me and honestly this sounds somewhat paranoid. She is an assistant of that prof.
I will soon meet her again. After a very long time. I plan to numb me with the addictive medication because honestly it could fuel my demise. I still have the feeling I am in control of the situation. (due to the addictive medication). My crush will be there at my last exam and I will probably have to talk to her. This could become very very dangerous. I am very sure to take the double dosage of the addictive medication that day. Something similar happened last semester and honestly only the double dosage addictive medication saved me from a breakdown.
I try to be less certain. I am analyzing that shit way too much. I try to act in the interaction with her by my gut feeling in that moment. This is often a better plan than the thoughts which I have after decade long ruminating. I hate my life.
The only good thing is I am pretty damn good prepared for the exams. I still have a lot of time and I am ridiculously good prepared. I will work every day (except one per week) in a slow pace. This is the best for my stability. Women are really the topic that can fuck with my head completely. And I am so certain about this professor talked to her. I won't go into details but it is very likely they talked about me. But it is speculative what the content of this conversation was. Honestly the fact that I am so fucking certain about it is very suspicious. It is interesting to see how my paranoid brain works. It has a lot to do with my hopes and dreams. And the usual outcome is that my dreams are naive and I have to realize that my brain deceived me into having hope for a future (or a girlfriend),
The best I can do is: take it cool. Trying to relax. Not ruminating about it every single second. And in case nothing helps numbing my feelings with addictive sedatives. Fuck my life and my psyche.
Honestly I think this theory which I had today is paranoid. It involves some social interactions which would never happen that way. My best friends whom I explained the theory uncensored did not answer yet. But I think they will say it is paranoid as hell.
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