Venting THE SIDE THEY DON'T TELL YOU. Moving out of parents house.

[OhWellDerp321]

I see all these videos on YouTube with advice on "You need to move out of your parents house". But a lot of these videos only share the positive side. And make it seem like it is easy to move out or its this great adventure.

So I wanted to share the negative side to consider also.

Again, this is not to say you shouldn't move out of your parents house if you have toxic parents. But this is just offering another perspective.

If it was simple as "I make enough money and I am well off", then I think most of us would have moved out by now if we wanted to.
A lot of these YouTube videos don't consider the fact that some people might have more severe issues that may hinder their ability to move out, despite a toxic household. Or they financially just won't be able to do it.


1) Moving out out will make you grow.

Yes. You may gain some experience since you have to make decisions on your own.
But lets be honest. If you are someone that needs to move out of your parents place to do this, you most likely had helicopter parents that made every decision for you. Therefore, you may severely struggle with making decisions.

You may think "oh, the only reason I had trouble making decisions was because my parents didn't let me. Now that I am on my own, I won't have that problem". Not necessarily. You may notice for the first time you actually have to make a life altering decision with no assurance or no one to ask. And if you screw up, you can't go back. That will be very tough.

If you haven't made enough decisions on your own, you probably will screw up. And its stressful to deal with up to the point sometimes you may lose sleep.


2) Moving out will give you freedom.

You may think you can just "do whatever you want" now that you are out of your parents house.

But the second you move out of your parents house, you are also limited.

You now have bills to pay.

That second career that you wanted to study? That dream you wanted to try of becoming a full time social media star?
Well, you don't have someone to provide for you anymore.
Job comes first and will always be first.

What's even worse is that you may be limited to what type of job you can get due to your location.

If you don't have a car? Yeh good luck. You are limited to walking distance or bus. Which limits your employment opportunities to within a 15km radius.
So don't be surprised if you might have to work a crappy minimum wage job if you can't find employment opportunities within your career field.

Oh you wanted to buy a house? Yeh lets be honest. If you are moving out and renting, you probably won't ever save up enough money to buy a house. Now a days, 50% or 60% of your income probably goes towards your living expenses.

Yeh. Freedom eh? Not always as glamourous.


3) Moving out will let you have a social life.

LOL. This is the part that I laugh most about when I see these advice videos.

They always say "once you move out, you can have chicks over and host parties".

Listen, unless you are working as an Engineer, Doctor, or some high level paying job, most people now a days working a normal 9 to 5 job can barely afford to pay mortgage on an apartment unit.

If you rent, you are probably renting a shitty room shared in a house with 5 other people.
In which case, most landlords will have it specifically state in the tenant agreement that you can't have guests over.

If you are lucky enough to make enough to rent an apartment, its probably a one bedroom bachelor.
In which case, you probably ain't bringing chicks over anyways. You definitely ain't hosting parties in your one bedroom apartment.

And have fun going out and socializing. It was easier when you have no financial commitments and could go out to the bar every weekend. But now you have to pay for your car, groceries, rent, and other things. You won't feel so easy anymore about going out and spending money.


So to summarize

Yeah moving out has its own benefits. A lot of these YouTube videos give advice that "you need to move out in order to grow, otherwise you will be a child forever". They make it seem like it will be a spectacular adventure where you "discover yourself" and learn to become independent.

But the grass isn't always greener on the other side. You may find yourself with less freedom. Once the excitement of "moving out" dies off. You may realize you still struggle just as much as your were when living with your parents. Just maybe with different issues.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

You're right. 1. YouTube videos are not a reliable source, for anything. 2. Moving out makes you live an awful adult life, just like your parents already do. It's not fun and glamorous. There are financial advantages to multiple generations sharing housing, if they can handle everything else that goes with it.

 

[derpyderpins]

Some fair points. Life is tough!

Anyone who sells you any path as rainbows and sunshine is probably full of it.

I do have some thoughts to give some more realistic positive spin.

First, the stress and struggle is real. No doubt. But a "spectacular adventure" is almost an oxymoron if we take spectacular to mean "good." Adventures - the best ones - are full of struggle. I think of the last Lord of the Rings book. I read that series a little young, maybe, and I was admittedly bored hearing for a hundred pages about what a pain it was for Frodo to have the ring. I wasn't appreciating the depth of the emotion and message. But, yeah, that's one of the first examples of "spectacular adventure" that comes to mind, and for a good long while it's "this sucks," "this still sucks," "this sucks so I asked Sam for help," "now it also sucks for Sam." And even that is still a book, a condensed version, we're not seeing that for Frodo it was 24-7 suck.

So, you don't get "adventure" without struggle. I can tell you understand this, but I like rambling and wanted to illustrate it.

Two, on the economic difficulties: we're in a shitty time, tbh, in more ways than I'll make you read about here. It shouldn't take so much work to save up for a decent place. But, it's what we've got. The fact is that - unless your parents are helping you financially - that initial move out should be the worst part (unless you are going into debt. Don't do that, move home and save up instead lol). You save and watch as you slowly, slowly, move your life to look more like you'd want it to.

Third, this ties into this concept of "freedom." I had a whole thing here I deleted because it was two on the nose giving examples of a rich person who can't leave their room and a poor person who works all day. The basic point was that freedom is not the same as options.

A (literal) slave with a computer and internet access has the option to do thousands of things with the computer: create, consume, communicate, etc. Someone living on their own out in the woods will develop a routine - chop firewood, gather water, hunt, garden, etc - spending most of the day on these "mandatory" self-imposed chores. The latter is far, far more free (without any further detail).

I guess another way to think of it is that "freedom" isn't the same as "getting to do what you want, when you want." That's a type of privilege, but it's not freedom. It also has to do with your wants aligning with your opportunities (perhaps as a product of habit and environment).

And have fun going out and socializing. It was easier when you have no financial commitments and could go out to the bar every weekend. But now you have to pay for your car, groceries, rent, and other things. You won't feel so easy anymore about going out and spending money.

That's freedom! As I started: life is tough!

But the tough stuff, the freedom, that is the human experience. That's living this life that - at least in this solar system - is unique to the one species with higher conciousness. It's full of pain and hurt, like all life, but unique pain and hurt that comes as part of this human condition.

The world has made it hard to appreciate the small things. You see everyone's fabulous life online, you hear stories about the past generation having things easier, stuff like that. It makes it hard to see something like "I'm in my first, shitty apartment, and after grinding 6 months of my life away I saved up to get some proper plates and glassware, and now and then I can make myself a nice steak instead of ramen" as anything other than sad. But really, it's beautiful. Not because there's anything wonderful about consooomerism and buying stuff. Honestly, not even because of some major accomplishment. The thing is, that life - in that moment - is yours. It's yours to experience and no one else's. Your pain. Your joy. You have constraints: you need food, so you probably need a job, etc., but ultimately your mind can be your own. You can shape the world around you, even if all you're capable of doing right now is buying some glasses from Target instead of Walmart.

So option one is easy, full of instant-gratification, and ultimately soul-less. The other is difficult, rewards are few and far between, and it's real. Give me the latter.

_________________________________________________________

You definitely ain't hosting parties in your one bedroom apartment.

My college self is furious at this statement, lol. When the culture is right you can throw a banger in a studio. I actually held a couple parties in my first one bedroom out of college that were great. Fact is that people don't really party much these days. Maybe that's because I got older, or maybe it's changing times in a post-covid world. That actually makes me a little sad, but it's okay. Life's an adventure and that chapter is behind me.

 

[TBONTB]

I see all these videos on YouTube with advice on "You need to move out of your parents house". But a lot of these videos only share the positive side. And make it seem like it is easy to move out or its this great adventure.

So I wanted to share the negative side to consider also.

Again, this is not to say you shouldn't move out of your parents house if you have toxic parents. But this is just offering another perspective.

If it was simple as "I make enough money and I am well off", then I think most of us would have moved out by now if we wanted to.
A lot of these YouTube videos don't consider the fact that some people might have more severe issues that may hinder their ability to move out, despite a toxic household. Or they financially just won't be able to do it.


1) Moving out out will make you grow.

Yes. You may gain some experience since you have to make decisions on your own.
But lets be honest. If you are someone that needs to move out of your parents place to do this, you most likely had helicopter parents that made every decision for you. Therefore, you may severely struggle with making decisions.

You may think "oh, the only reason I had trouble making decisions was because my parents didn't let me. Now that I am on my own, I won't have that problem". Not necessarily. You may notice for the first time you actually have to make a life altering decision with no assurance or no one to ask. And if you screw up, you can't go back. That will be very tough.

If you haven't made enough decisions on your own, you probably will screw up. And its stressful to deal with up to the point sometimes you may lose sleep.


2) Moving out will give you freedom.

You may think you can just "do whatever you want" now that you are out of your parents house.

But the second you move out of your parents house, you are also limited.

You now have bills to pay.

That second career that you wanted to study? That dream you wanted to try of becoming a full time social media star?
Well, you don't have someone to provide for you anymore.
Job comes first and will always be first.

What's even worse is that you may be limited to what type of job you can get due to your location.

If you don't have a car? Yeh good luck. You are limited to walking distance or bus. Which limits your employment opportunities to within a 15km radius.
So don't be surprised if you might have to work a crappy minimum wage job if you can't find employment opportunities within your career field.

Oh you wanted to buy a house? Yeh lets be honest. If you are moving out and renting, you probably won't ever save up enough money to buy a house. Now a days, 50% or 60% of your income probably goes towards your living expenses.

Yeh. Freedom eh? Not always as glamourous.


3) Moving out will let you have a social life.

LOL. This is the part that I laugh most about when I see these advice videos.

They always say "once you move out, you can have chicks over and host parties".

Listen, unless you are working as an Engineer, Doctor, or some high level paying job, most people now a days working a normal 9 to 5 job can barely afford to pay mortgage on an apartment unit.

If you rent, you are probably renting a shitty room shared in a house with 5 other people.
In which case, most landlords will have it specifically state in the tenant agreement that you can't have guests over.

If you are lucky enough to make enough to rent an apartment, its probably a one bedroom bachelor.
In which case, you probably ain't bringing chicks over anyways. You definitely ain't hosting parties in your one bedroom apartment.

And have fun going out and socializing. It was easier when you have no financial commitments and could go out to the bar every weekend. But now you have to pay for your car, groceries, rent, and other things. You won't feel so easy anymore about going out and spending money.


So to summarize

Yeah moving out has its own benefits. A lot of these YouTube videos give advice that "you need to move out in order to grow, otherwise you will be a child forever". They make it seem like it will be a spectacular adventure where you "discover yourself" and learn to become independent.

But the grass isn't always greener on the other side. You may find yourself with less freedom. Once the excitement of "moving out" dies off. You may realize you still struggle just as much as your were when living with your parents. Just maybe with different issues.

Commenting on one example of a "different" experience that I'm familiar with. I have two cousins, both on their fifties who live with their Mom..Dad has passed. They both have some adjustment limitations (adhd, anxiety, previous alcohol dependence) and haven't been able to swing living independently. The theee live together largely as roommates. I don't think anyone feels it's perfect, but they do it pretty well. Each one does their own thing...job or other day activities, they cook their own food but on occasion eat meals, they take care of the house together. The key is they've gotten to this place where they (mostly) treat each other as adults under the same roof. I suppose the downside is dating ain't great, but it's nice to see a family living style that's working to keep people houses and having some enjoyment in their lives.

 

[Paizen]

Strongly, strongly disagree with everything you said here. If you're financially stable and can afford to move out, you absolutely should.

Living with your parents as an adult, especially for men, can have serious psychological consequences. It erodes autonomy, stalls social development, and can slowly numb you to your own stagnation. You might think it's not affecting you, but it is.

After a certain age, staying in your parents' home is damaging to your mental health and the mental health of every person around you. Invariably. I speak from having an uncle who lives at home in his 60s and with IED nonetheless. I have a friend who's over 30 and lives at home. It's caused him major depression. Every other guy I know who lives at home in his 30s = fucked up. It's unconscious, and they think they are fine. No. They are fucked up.

These are cautionary tales and I tell them with love. I lived in my parent's house until 25 and even that was bad. I'm not allowed back and I NEEDED to go back or face homelessness. Thank god my grandma stepped in and helped me with finding a room... but I understand my parent's logic. It's fucking scary to live with an adult mentally ill child, and if you live at home past 30, that's what you are going to become. That's not what I am, and I had a plan to be out in a couple months, but they don't know that. My parents are toxic fucking assholes anyways .

 

[OhWellDerp321]

Strongly, strongly disagree with everything you said here. If you're financially stable and can afford to move out, you absolutely should.

Living with your parents as an adult, especially for men, can have serious psychological consequences. It erodes autonomy, stalls social development, and can slowly numb you to your own stagnation. You might think it's not affecting you, but it is.

After a certain age, staying in your parents' home is damaging to your mental health and the mental health of every person around you. Invariably. I speak from having an uncle who lives at home in his 60s and with IED nonetheless. I have a friend who's over 30 and lives at home. It's caused him major depression. Every other guy I know who lives at home in his 30s = fucked up. It's unconscious, and they think they are fine. No. They are fucked up.

These are cautionary tales and I tell them with love. I lived in my parent's house until 25 and even that was bad. I'm not allowed back and I NEEDED to go back or face homelessness. Thank god my grandma stepped in and helped me with finding a room... but I understand my parent's logic. It's fucking scary to live with an adult mentally ill child, and if you live at home past 30, that's what you are going to become. That's not what I am, and I had a plan to be out in a couple months, but they don't know that. My parents are toxic fucking assholes anyways .

What do you strongly disagree with?
"Again, this is not to say you shouldn't move out of your parents house if you have toxic parents. But this is just offering another perspective."

Of course you should move out if you are financially stable.
If it was simple as "I make enough money and I am well off", then I think most of us would have moved out by now if we wanted to.
Or they financially just won't be able to do it.
^ Yes. If people were finanically stable, then yes you should move out.

Yes living with your parents may have psychological consequences. You may not develope your own independent skills as much since you will rely on them for certain things. Moving out will gain you those independent skills. But it won't solve problems like financial issues or aniexty issues or any of those. You have to decide what you want financially (if you have the choice).

Living at home over 30 doesn't just cause you depression. Living at home with a toxic household may do that. There is probably other issues also. And this is what I mean. If you are in those situations, your friend isn't going to just get better from "moving out". Whatever issues he had in that household may get worse when he is dealing with those issues on his own.

Again. Yeah, If you live in a toxic household. You will probably become a mentally ill regardless. You probably already have some mental health issues. Again, if you have the choice, its up to you if you want to move out. But those mental issues don't just go away once you move out. And just understand that if you are not financially stable, you will probably be renting for the rest of your life.

If I didn't make it clear enough. What I meant to say is that you absolutely should move out if you are in a toxic situation. And if you are financially stable enough to afford a mortgage., there is no reason you shouldn't move out. But with the economy now a days, people working regular 9 to 5 jobs that aren't doctors, engineers, or making above 60k can barely afford a mortgage. And again, moving out doesn't solve whatever issues you already have. It gets harder to solve those issues which might affect you when you live alone.

 

[Paizen]

What do you strongly disagree with?
"Again, this is not to say you shouldn't move out of your parents house if you have toxic parents. But this is just offering another perspective."

Of course you should move out if you are financially stable.
If it was simple as "I make enough money and I am well off", then I think most of us would have moved out by now if we wanted to.
Or they financially just won't be able to do it.
^ Yes. If people were finanically stable, then yes you should move out.

Yes living with your parents may have psychological consequences. You may not develope your own independent skills as much since you will rely on them for certain things. Moving out will gain you those independent skills. But it won't solve problems like financial issues or aniexty issues or any of those. You have to decide what you want financially (if you have the choice).

Living at home over 30 doesn't just cause you depression. Living at home with a toxic household may do that. There is probably other issues also. And this is what I mean. If you are in those situations, your friend isn't going to just get better from "moving out". Whatever issues he had in that household may get worse when he is dealing with those issues on his own.

Again. Yeah, If you live in a toxic household. You will probably become a mentally ill regardless. You probably already have some mental health issues. Again, if you have the choice, its up to you if you want to move out. But those mental issues don't just go away once you move out. And just understand that if you are not financially stable, you will probably be renting for the rest of your life.

If I didn't make it clear enough. What I meant to say is that you absolutely should move out if you are in a toxic situation. And if you are financially stable enough to afford a mortgage., there is no reason you shouldn't move out. But with the economy now a days, people working regular 9 to 5 jobs that aren't doctors, engineers, or making above 60k can barely afford a mortgage. And again, moving out doesn't solve whatever issues you already have. It gets harder to solve those issues which might affect you when you live alone.

I wish I could afford a mortgage. I waste all my money renting and paying other people's mortgages.

My friend doesn't live in a toxic household, neither does my uncle. Actually, my uncle is the toxic household and he used to terrorize both his parents. Unfortunately my friend has been having work troubles and I guess financial problems because of that, so it just sucks to be in that situation.

Still, I don't understand someone not having a job for 2 years. I had 5 jobs in one year and got fired from all of them and now I'm realizing I have mental problems (I must right) so I'm making an appointment to get evaluated. My point is that I at least tried, and I finally have a job now I pray I do good at. If I end up homeless for too long I'm calling that game over.

My family says I'm too slow and "had all that time and should be stable by now" so they kicked me out. My point is... at least my friend has a home. I'm stuck in a place that ChatGPT is telling me to 'Get out of immediately' because it's a health hazard apparently. But it ain't that easy. sigh

 

[OhWellDerp321]

I wish I could afford a mortgage. I waste all my money renting and paying other people's mortgages.

My friend doesn't live in a toxic household, neither does my uncle. Actually, my uncle is the toxic household and he used to terrorize both his parents. Unfortunately my friend has been having work troubles and I guess financial problems because of that, so it just sucks to be in that situation.

Still, I don't understand someone not having a job for 2 years. I had 5 jobs in one year and got fired from all of them and now I'm realizing I have mental problems (I must right) so I'm making an appointment to get evaluated. My point is that I at least tried, and I finally have a job now I pray I do good at. If I end up homeless for too long I'm calling that game over.

My family says I'm too slow and "had all that time and should be stable by now" so they kicked me out. My point is... at least my friend has a home. I'm stuck in a place that ChatGPT is telling me to 'Get out of immediately' because it's a health hazard apparently. But it ain't that easy. sigh

Well see thats what I mean.
If you don't have a choice and have to rent, there is nothing you can do. But like you said, you have to waste money renting.
And I get it. If you live in a toxic household, it might be better just to move out. Even if it means renting for the rest of your life.
But the point I was trying to make was that people have to prepare themselves for the negative aspects of moving out too. Moving out means it is very positive in the sense you are getting away from a toxic household, but realize that when you move, be prepared to rent the rest of your life in today's economy. Thats the sacrifice.

To be honest, I don't know your uncle. So I can't truly tell his situation. But if you say he is 60 and still hasn't moved out and that something is wrong with him, then I'd say there is more to it. I mean, how did his parents raise him? How does he terrorize his parents? I mean this stuff just isn't caused over one day or one thing. Typically there are many factors.

As for your friend, thats what I mean. Financial problems is another huge factor to consider when moving out. Its not just "move out and the problems will solve itself". If it was like 20 years ago when jobs were easier to find and rent wasn't crazy, then losing your job wasn't the end of the world. Now? It could take months to find a new job. If you can't find one in your field and have to resort to working minimum wage just to eat, then you can't afford your mortgage or rent. Thats what your friend might end up in if he tried to move out.
Again, not having a job for 2 years? I honestly don't know. But to me, it just seems more than financial issues. It seems like more of a confidence issue as a result of other things leading to him unable to find a job, or no motivation for find a job.

If you're family honestly thinks you had "all that time" to be stable by now, then it seems like you have boomer parents.
Like I said, if it was like 20 to 30 years ago, then everyone should move out. Because it wasn't impossible to save up for a home if you worked.
Now, you can live at home and save every dime, and it still wouldn't be enough money for even an apartment. I am not talking about the downpayment. Its the monthly payments. Mortgage, parking, food, etc.... All that combined.

 

[psp3000]

they don't warn you about the constant fear and worry about "The Killer"

it could be out there.

 

[Paizen]

Well see thats what I mean.
If you don't have a choice and have to rent, there is nothing you can do. But like you said, you have to waste money renting.
And I get it. If you live in a toxic household, it might be better just to move out. Even if it means renting for the rest of your life.
But the point I was trying to make was that people have to prepare themselves for the negative aspects of moving out too. Moving out means it is very positive in the sense you are getting away from a toxic household, but realize that when you move, be prepared to rent the rest of your life in today's economy. Thats the sacrifice.

To be honest, I don't know your uncle. So I can't truly tell his situation. But if you say he is 60 and still hasn't moved out and that something is wrong with him, then I'd say there is more to it. I mean, how did his parents raise him? How does he terrorize his parents? I mean this stuff just isn't caused over one day or one thing. Typically there are many factors.

As for your friend, thats what I mean. Financial problems is another huge factor to consider when moving out. Its not just "move out and the problems will solve itself". If it was like 20 years ago when jobs were easier to find and rent wasn't crazy, then losing your job wasn't the end of the world. Now? It could take months to find a new job. If you can't find one in your field and have to resort to working minimum wage just to eat, then you can't afford your mortgage or rent. Thats what your friend might end up in if he tried to move out.
Again, not having a job for 2 years? I honestly don't know. But to me, it just seems more than financial issues. It seems like more of a confidence issue as a result of other things leading to him unable to find a job, or no motivation for find a job.

If you're family honestly thinks you had "all that time" to be stable by now, then it seems like you have boomer parents.
Like I said, if it was like 20 to 30 years ago, then everyone should move out. Because it wasn't impossible to save up for a home if you worked.
Now, you can live at home and save every dime, and it still wouldn't be enough money for even an apartment. I am not talking about the downpayment. Its the monthly payments. Mortgage, parking, food, etc.... All that combined.

Thank you for saying that. I do have Boomer parents.

Just the fact that one person in this world understands the struggle I'm going through gives me clarity, so thank you.