This post is not about suicide, actually. It's about how many times i've been "at the end" and have found more rope, even fraying threads. Metaphorical rope, not real rope.
I'm at the end of my rope. But I was at the end of my rope last year, too. And a few months before that, also. And so many other times. I'm still here. Why? Is it just as simple as survival instinct?
I'm also a bit of a hope addict, in a way. I keep thinking there's more around the corner, there's something out there great waiting to happen to me. But I get older and older and still fail to implement any long term change in my personality. I guess that's why they call it a personality disorder. You can't change it. It's a fancy term for being a fucked up person.
I don't know where to go from here. Little me had a lot of dreams and none of them came true.
My husband wants to financially support me. I have googled so many times... "Why can't i accept my husband's support?" And nothing ever comes up. I think I am the only woman who doesn't want to be financially supported by a man. I think it's wrong. I think it's wrong for any partner to not contribute, male or female. Human beings should be able to take care of themselves and not live off of other people. I worked so hard in my life to not have to need this, but I didn't know myself and I didn't make good choices and here I am.
And you know what people will say to me?
"Must be nice."
No it isn't. It sucks to have to feel guilty when you buy anything, because you know you didn't earn the money. So I just don't buy things. Or I hate myself for months whenever I do.
"Not everyone has that option."
I know. It's terrible. You should be angry about that. I don't deserve any of this.
"You're ungrateful."
I never wanted to have to thank anyone for things. I hate being grateful to others. It means I'm indebted to them and then they have total control over me. I can never criticize them and have it be justified. And people are always watching me, determining if I am showing adequate gratitude for this life bestowed on me by my saintly husband who is just so strong and so amazing for putting up with me. I don't want to be seen like that by my friends. Yes, my husband is a good person and he is doing a lot by taking care of me. I am grateful. But I didn't ever learn how to be a gushy person who shows loads of sappy gratitude and I am not a cheery happy miss sunshine kind of person. I'll never live up to their expectations and I am exhausted from the paranoia. Also if I have a nice life that is literally handed to me on a silver platter then I am never ever allowed to be sad. But I will always be sad because depression is an illness and not a choice, and so I'll never live up to those expectations either. No matter what I do, I am doomed to be a seen as a terrible person.
"Do you know how many people wish they had what you had?"
Yes, and I don't deserve it. They do. They'd be more grateful and more deserving.
"You sound like a horrible person."
That's because I am.
I keep trying to look for jobs but I know I'm a fuck up and I know from experience I can't handle working. I keep trying over and over again but my emotions are like a frayed, live wire. Someome looks at me funny and my OCD kicks off rolling and I cry for days. I get so exhausted from being around people that I have a mental breakdown and quit. Every. Single. Job. And I always try again...I say this time maybe I can do it. Maybe I can be tough. I come up with strategies. They all fail. Lather rinse repeat.
----
I was a nice child. I used to have a big heart. I loved people, animals...wanted to do good things in the world. I think I believed way too hard in that because in my relentless pursuit of being able to do good things in the world, I turned into this. I am a monster.
It's really a crime that I haven't killed myself yet. But my husband said he would be devastated if I did. So I stay alive.
None of this makes sense. Tell me I'm a terrible person. I need suicide fuel.
I'm at the end of my rope. But I was at the end of my rope last year, too. And a few months before that, also. And so many other times. I'm still here. Why? Is it just as simple as survival instinct?
I'm also a bit of a hope addict, in a way. I keep thinking there's more around the corner, there's something out there great waiting to happen to me. But I get older and older and still fail to implement any long term change in my personality. I guess that's why they call it a personality disorder. You can't change it. It's a fancy term for being a fucked up person.
I don't know where to go from here. Little me had a lot of dreams and none of them came true.
My husband wants to financially support me. I have googled so many times... "Why can't i accept my husband's support?" And nothing ever comes up. I think I am the only woman who doesn't want to be financially supported by a man. I think it's wrong. I think it's wrong for any partner to not contribute, male or female. Human beings should be able to take care of themselves and not live off of other people. I worked so hard in my life to not have to need this, but I didn't know myself and I didn't make good choices and here I am.
And you know what people will say to me?
"Must be nice."
No it isn't. It sucks to have to feel guilty when you buy anything, because you know you didn't earn the money. So I just don't buy things. Or I hate myself for months whenever I do.
"Not everyone has that option."
I know. It's terrible. You should be angry about that. I don't deserve any of this.
"You're ungrateful."
I never wanted to have to thank anyone for things. I hate being grateful to others. It means I'm indebted to them and then they have total control over me. I can never criticize them and have it be justified. And people are always watching me, determining if I am showing adequate gratitude for this life bestowed on me by my saintly husband who is just so strong and so amazing for putting up with me. I don't want to be seen like that by my friends. Yes, my husband is a good person and he is doing a lot by taking care of me. I am grateful. But I didn't ever learn how to be a gushy person who shows loads of sappy gratitude and I am not a cheery happy miss sunshine kind of person. I'll never live up to their expectations and I am exhausted from the paranoia. Also if I have a nice life that is literally handed to me on a silver platter then I am never ever allowed to be sad. But I will always be sad because depression is an illness and not a choice, and so I'll never live up to those expectations either. No matter what I do, I am doomed to be a seen as a terrible person.
"Do you know how many people wish they had what you had?"
Yes, and I don't deserve it. They do. They'd be more grateful and more deserving.
"You sound like a horrible person."
That's because I am.
I keep trying to look for jobs but I know I'm a fuck up and I know from experience I can't handle working. I keep trying over and over again but my emotions are like a frayed, live wire. Someome looks at me funny and my OCD kicks off rolling and I cry for days. I get so exhausted from being around people that I have a mental breakdown and quit. Every. Single. Job. And I always try again...I say this time maybe I can do it. Maybe I can be tough. I come up with strategies. They all fail. Lather rinse repeat.
----
I was a nice child. I used to have a big heart. I loved people, animals...wanted to do good things in the world. I think I believed way too hard in that because in my relentless pursuit of being able to do good things in the world, I turned into this. I am a monster.
It's really a crime that I haven't killed myself yet. But my husband said he would be devastated if I did. So I stay alive.
None of this makes sense. Tell me I'm a terrible person. I need suicide fuel.
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