i hope this is the right place to post this in. i mostly lurked on here when i was having a difficult time recently, but finally decided i would maybe be better off making an account.. things are becoming truly unbearable and i feel like i'm coming closer to the end. i've been flitting between methods for quite a while but i think my trouble committing to one is due to the fact i really do not want to cause my innocent (in the sense they are not the primary cause of my suffering) parents any pain. i know they care for me but with every passing day it gets more difficult to put their care for me above my desire to stop existing.
relative to so many other people i have had an acceptable life, and knowing that makes me feel even worse for wanting to ctb, but aside from my parents i do not have anything left. most of my family members are either estranged or dead, and i have few friends who would be affected by my absence. i think i should've gotten over everything that has gone on in my life but it's like everything is stuck on a loop in my head. i'm not happy with anything i do, or anything about myself, and despite trying for so long to do better and get help for my psychiatric and physical/health issues it is like the universe wants me to suffer. it is almost as if i get knocked down at every possible moment - even fleeting happiness feels impossible these days. whenever i have a short period of being able to function like a 'normal human being,' the second i get too comfortable everything falls apart again. i don't even have the energy to think about why or how this is happening, just that i want it to be over. i haven't yet made peace with this feeling, this desire for death, even though it has been with me for almost half of my life now, but writing things out like this helps. and hopefully one day i will either make peace and follow through with an eternal sleep, or find something that truly makes me want to stick around a little bit longer.
relative to so many other people i have had an acceptable life, and knowing that makes me feel even worse for wanting to ctb, but aside from my parents i do not have anything left. most of my family members are either estranged or dead, and i have few friends who would be affected by my absence. i think i should've gotten over everything that has gone on in my life but it's like everything is stuck on a loop in my head. i'm not happy with anything i do, or anything about myself, and despite trying for so long to do better and get help for my psychiatric and physical/health issues it is like the universe wants me to suffer. it is almost as if i get knocked down at every possible moment - even fleeting happiness feels impossible these days. whenever i have a short period of being able to function like a 'normal human being,' the second i get too comfortable everything falls apart again. i don't even have the energy to think about why or how this is happening, just that i want it to be over. i haven't yet made peace with this feeling, this desire for death, even though it has been with me for almost half of my life now, but writing things out like this helps. and hopefully one day i will either make peace and follow through with an eternal sleep, or find something that truly makes me want to stick around a little bit longer.
