I'm not afraid of death. I'm already dead, for all intents and purposes of life really.
I don't just have a lack of reasons
to live, I have an abundance of reasons
to die.
There has been a severe absence of balance in my life, the asymmetry is absurd and favors the negative.
It's the actual dying process that is most daunting, and my method isn't exactly instantaneous either.
If it was as simple as a button press, it would be done by now, and that is me being completely honest. As long as the button also took care of the "matters to be undertaken" pre-suicide.
But that's not why I am still "alive", I don't even think you're wrong when it comes to some people, but it doesn't always have to do with bravery or truly having no reason left to live (depending on your definition).
I know there are people out there with arguably and/or objectively less reasoning to stay alive than I possess, and yet they are still kicking..out and about in the world..logic be damned, and I also know of many people who-again, arguably-had far more reason to stay alive and yet their bodies are now set in the earth.
Not to mention..Impulsive suicides off the heels of a troubling event have less to do with bravery and more to do with an unfortunate lack of thought and impulse-control, so again, how you describe those who choose to stay and those who choose to go, is not always accurate. It's also usually far from an actual choice (because it's primarily an option born out of a lack of choices for an extended/indefinite period of time..or extreme and sudden emotional turmoil).
For me, I am holding onto the need to complete certain preparations (which includes the destruction and eliminating of things that could possibly be left behind to further complicate or humiliate me in my passing)..this has brought up many roadblocks because for much of this, I am at the mercy of other people, my most reasonable requests could set off red flags or seem unreasonable to them.
These are things that I cannot leave in a note and "hope for the best", I need to see to it that they are handled before I croak.
I have begun to freak out at the prospect of having to go through with ctb, WITHOUT the proper planning/requests/preparations being met, but I really hope it doesn't come to that, I have begged, pleaded, I don't know what else to do…it really might come to having to go ahead in a panic without any peace of mind whatsoever..that will not be pleasant, and SN is already going to be a somewhat slow and uncomfortable death. (It's the best option I have available to me and the one I feel most safe with as far as the least amount of risk for further maiming and/or brain damage..brain damage is my worst nightmare, I am pretty positive I will not be found early so I think it will be fine..it's just that one person on here claimed to have awoken from SN all on their own, watching the blue dissipate from their skin afterward..and that terrifies me..that I could be out cold for days and then wake up on my own, perhaps in need of medical assistance to even get the strength back to attempt again..and with what then…worst case scenario. As you can see, sometimes thinking too much about it can actually be a detriment..I just need this DONE, done yesterday, done years ago..Jesus.)
I also have to take care of some things on my own as well , which is a feat considering I'm too fatigued to so much as get out of bed most of the time and can't even manage to sleep properly. It's hard to have motivation to prepare for your death, when you can't even do the same for your life. It's like being asked to go to the ends of the earth for something that isn't even a consolation prize, killing yourself to kill yourself. Hilarious.
I have done a lot already, but it seems never-ending, I planned to be gone by the holidays and I was not able to do that-most notably because of the apathetic stubbornness and excuses of
other people…I'm talking things I've asked of them for YEARS now, multiple times a week..and there is ALWAYS an excuse. I can't take it.
I realize now why so many people just throw their hands in the air and give up the pre-steps just to get the damn job done and end their consciousness of the suffering.
I wonder why there's a lot of people bent on who / when someone will find them... personally I get a fulfilling sensation at the thought someone will find me and handle the necessary business. The part of this is.. that I do not want to pick a method that would forever traumatize anyone; that must be forced to stay here longer than me.
With this being said: I have picked between selflessly between my methods; as per not being selfish in thought that the person finding me can continue on; and not feel ultimately burned by 'MY' exit/ mode of transport per say; one domain to the next.
does this make sense? What do you all think about the mental health fragility of the one whom finds you? are you concerned enough to care? Curious on how anyone else feels.
As someone else mentioned..an interruption can mean an absolute horror show for the person who attempted and was caused to fail. They could end up worse off than they were before they dealt themselves the death blow, because contrary to popular belief-things might not ever get better, but things can ALWAYS get worse.
For me I don't give a shit about those "forced to stay here longer than me" because these same people are benefiting from life and they don't feel "forced" to stay at all, my dead body is not going to change that, especially the way things are going..and regarding who I believe would end up finding my corpse..nobody to feel bad for in the slightest, least not from me.
I'm not blowing my brains out anyway-nothing that would leave a substantial mess, but yea. And I've given plenty of warning shots, this should be no surprise.
I'm also the type of person, who wouldn't scorn a stranger for making me find their dead body/corpse, no matter the state of it.
I would consider the torment and their reasoning before I considered my own reaction..I would almost feel as if I were stealing their pain and appropriating it as my own if I were to wrap myself up in the aftermath to the point that I made it into my own trauma.
Obviously it's different for people you are closer to, but in my case I don't have anyone that close that actually gives two shits about me or my situation, and for a death to affect you so severely, truly and genuinely..you have to give quite a few damns about the person and their relationship to you.
I don't have anyone in my life who fits that bill. It will be a mere blip on the screen for the majority of them, and nothing life-ruining or anywhere close to what I've dealt with.
They don't even have a right to be upset imo, too little too late.
On the other hand (from what you mentioned), I actually get no fulfilling sensation whatsoever from the thought of someone finding me. I don't want my body to be touched or gazed upon, I would rather it teleport to the nearest cremation chamber. Then stick my remains in the cremulator ASAP.
You know what; I took the initial message out of context. My entire response ^^^ up above was 'only' in regards to 'when someone finds my body after I 'completed' my mission. Sorry this through everyone off. My bad. I am reading back like; dang... where did my thought process go here... Yes I agree wholeheartedly with you in regards to if someone walks up in your personal space while your ctb & ruins that moment then ultimately any of the above mentioned items you sent; definitely will or could happen. You are correct. sry 4 the confusion.
Just saw this so don't mind that part of my previous response lol
