SomewhatLoved
all bleeding stops eventually...
- Apr 12, 2023
- 373
I don't really have any friends. Still, occasionally I'll go to concerts. I find a lot of the time I don't even really enjoy the music - I have very particular music tastes. I don't go to make friends, either.
Whenever I go out really all I do is stand off to the side and somewhat inattentively listen to the music. I spend a lot of time turned to the side looking at the crowd.
I feel like when I do this it makes me feel so small. I become a crumb or a speck, or something similarly small. I see ordinary people laughing and talking and smiling and I start to feel like "less than something".
I sort of believe that everyone who is still living has a reason or matters in some way. Even people who genuinely lack any sort of fulfillment and only go on because they are scared of dying have meaning in that - they are worth enough that their pain is unjust. We are all worth something, even something small. So when I'm in this sort of situation I think about how yes I do matter, but I matter so little. This isn't new, I've always been one to disappear into walls and have never been the centre of attention. But going to concerts makes me feel that way even more.
It almost feels like torture in some way. Hardly do I go to a concert and feel entertained, more often than not I feel how I've described above. But I'm sad most of the time anyways.
It's nice to get out of the house, even if I have no desire to talk to other people. I think just being around people in some way is good. Better to be sad around others than sad and pent up in my room all the time.
Whenever I go out really all I do is stand off to the side and somewhat inattentively listen to the music. I spend a lot of time turned to the side looking at the crowd.
I feel like when I do this it makes me feel so small. I become a crumb or a speck, or something similarly small. I see ordinary people laughing and talking and smiling and I start to feel like "less than something".
I sort of believe that everyone who is still living has a reason or matters in some way. Even people who genuinely lack any sort of fulfillment and only go on because they are scared of dying have meaning in that - they are worth enough that their pain is unjust. We are all worth something, even something small. So when I'm in this sort of situation I think about how yes I do matter, but I matter so little. This isn't new, I've always been one to disappear into walls and have never been the centre of attention. But going to concerts makes me feel that way even more.
It almost feels like torture in some way. Hardly do I go to a concert and feel entertained, more often than not I feel how I've described above. But I'm sad most of the time anyways.
It's nice to get out of the house, even if I have no desire to talk to other people. I think just being around people in some way is good. Better to be sad around others than sad and pent up in my room all the time.
