Discussion The realization that this is it is settling in.

[anopenwound]

Some weeks ago I went through what I anticipated would be one of the worst moments of life, bad enough to make me CTB. But then it didn't. It made me feel relief. As if from hitting the bottom the only direction to go was up. It was good.
I've been climbing but I keep on falling back down. I'm still climbing up again. It feels never ending.
Some weird acceptance is taking over me while I try to survive, while I hang on by this life with my teeth: this is it, isn't it?
There's not gonna be much more than this. Wherever I get, it won't be out of here.


As Michael Gira put it

Love will save you from the black night and the lightning and the ghost
Love will save you from your misery, then tie you to the bloody post
Love will save you from the hands that pull you down beneath the sea
Love may save all you people, but it will never, never save me
No it won't save me

I used to believe in love. I used to believe in people. I used to believe in the idea that my life was gonna be better, was gonna keep getting better. But I can't feel happiness. I can't feel joy. I felt the depths of grief and sorrow so much it looks like happiness has been taken away from me, forever.
I don't yearn like I used to. I don't hope like I used to. I don't at all. I just wish I was normal. I just wish I didn't do all I did in life. I just wish I had a regular happy life.

One of my therapists told me I speak of happiness the same way children speak of snow in this country. Like this one off event that may or may not happen once every six years, the thing you wish for at night and wait so long to see, even for a fleeting moment. That's what that feeling is to me. For the most part, unknown.

I don't wanna back down. My best friend needs me. I can do good things. But dying on the way up? It wouldn't be so bad.
If I climbed so high and then lost of all of my strength at the very end. I wouldn't hate it.


I'm not afraid of failure 'cause I am a failure in so many ways. If I fall, I fall for good. I can finally sleep.

I'll keep on fighting with all I can. But I'm not so doe-eyed anymore. Love won't happen for me. Happiness won't happen for me.

I gotta go to sleep. I still have a job, for now. When that's gone, things will need to be done and I'll need to move fast. It seems like this year won't allow any rest either - just like the last one.

I'll keep on writing here. I want at least some people to know that I really did try.

 

[callousedhope]

I believe in you. There is a tenacity in your words, and in your mindset, I can tell. Keep fighting your fight and follow that failure. Failure is only ever proof of effort. Keep trying, one day you will be surprised at what you've managed for yourself. We will all die in the end, anyway <3