Two weeks ago I was consuming 3-400 calories per day, emotions were very high and motivation very low.
I've had four days of binging because I'm y'know, a hopeless individual who struggles with impulse control.
I don't imagine that this is going to be the experience to kill me but I am really interested in dying as I have lost my will to economically support myself (no pride to improve self, no real possibility of a life worth living at menial labour). Previously I just liked to avoid my issues by fantasising about death.
I'm almost fuckin' 40 now so fantasising seems a little bit useless to me. For now I am going to focus on allowing as little food as possible while meditating on my failures as a human being, the harms I have caused and, the trauma I carry and the low willpower I possess which no longer seems sufficient to make any meaningful or lasting changes.
Willpower is tied to genetics and while a person can alter it, this does have its limits and I understand that the limit of my will is permanently lower than the bar of my obstacles.
So the food which I own now is this: two potatoes, two apples, five sticks of celery, half a bell pepper, half a white onion, half a can of corned beef and a jar of minced garlic containing about 3oz. I will also allow black coffee for the sake of energy and enjoyment.
The money I have available is 70CAD in a gift card for a grocery store so maybe I'll be a bitch and buy something. But I'd prefer not to.
The plan from this point forward is not to add any more food than previously listed until at least May 24th, and I will observe changes in my mind and body and see how I feel about it. I'm not trying to die next week. I'm going to use water as a physical comfort during this period.
So that's how it is. I'm relying on my extremes of emotion to underpin these changes. From now, only time will grant me more personal information. Wish me strength and wisdom.
I do see how my willpower issues are directly in conflict with my plans and I'm just hoping that the strength of my emotions plus remaining mindful of my failures as a human being and inherent insufficiencies will help me resist urges.
I quit smoking from a pack a day to zero earlier this month, so I'm not hopeless. But I expect a healthy amount of skepticism and as written, I am a fucking idiot for thinking this way
I've had four days of binging because I'm y'know, a hopeless individual who struggles with impulse control.
I don't imagine that this is going to be the experience to kill me but I am really interested in dying as I have lost my will to economically support myself (no pride to improve self, no real possibility of a life worth living at menial labour). Previously I just liked to avoid my issues by fantasising about death.
I'm almost fuckin' 40 now so fantasising seems a little bit useless to me. For now I am going to focus on allowing as little food as possible while meditating on my failures as a human being, the harms I have caused and, the trauma I carry and the low willpower I possess which no longer seems sufficient to make any meaningful or lasting changes.
Willpower is tied to genetics and while a person can alter it, this does have its limits and I understand that the limit of my will is permanently lower than the bar of my obstacles.
So the food which I own now is this: two potatoes, two apples, five sticks of celery, half a bell pepper, half a white onion, half a can of corned beef and a jar of minced garlic containing about 3oz. I will also allow black coffee for the sake of energy and enjoyment.
The money I have available is 70CAD in a gift card for a grocery store so maybe I'll be a bitch and buy something. But I'd prefer not to.
The plan from this point forward is not to add any more food than previously listed until at least May 24th, and I will observe changes in my mind and body and see how I feel about it. I'm not trying to die next week. I'm going to use water as a physical comfort during this period.
So that's how it is. I'm relying on my extremes of emotion to underpin these changes. From now, only time will grant me more personal information. Wish me strength and wisdom.
I do see how my willpower issues are directly in conflict with my plans and I'm just hoping that the strength of my emotions plus remaining mindful of my failures as a human being and inherent insufficiencies will help me resist urges.
I quit smoking from a pack a day to zero earlier this month, so I'm not hopeless. But I expect a healthy amount of skepticism and as written, I am a fucking idiot for thinking this way
