The problem with masking

[captivebutterfly]

I've spent the last year in and out of psych wards due to failed attempts and here I am writing from one again. I'm here voluntarily this time though in a last ditch attempt to give life a chance but the thoughts of dying are consuming me more than ever. And the one thing I can think about right now is how good I am at masking.

I am autistic so masking comes easily to me. Despite literally being in a psych ward, I have been asked by both patients and staff "Why are you here? You seem so normal". I may seem normal on the outside, or at least in comparison to other patients; my hair looks okay, I wear the same clothes every day but they look fine, I don't smell, I smile when other people smile at me, I keep to myself in my room and abide by the rules. But all it takes is a close look at me to see the cracks beneath the surface. The matting in the back of my hair, the discoloured teeth from not brushing enough, the stains on my clothes I scrub at with a cloth because I can't bring myself to change, the dirt scuffs on my arms from not showering. It's all there but nobody cares enough to take the time to look.

The problem with masking is people are too quick to look on the outside and assume your mental state and capabilities without digging deeper. I am lucky I'm a very open person and I tell the truth about how I feel which is what landed me here in the first place, other people are not so lucky…

Anyway, that's just what I've been thinking about while I'm here. Would love to hear your thoughts.

 

[.seethroughme.]

This is a really interesting point. Undiagnosed neurodivergent here or living with complex childhood trauma. Either way similar resulting effects.

My thoughts are that society trains and forces people like us to mask to be able to fit in with the norm. But what happens is that you mask and then you're unable to truly represent your feelings outwardly. So you always look fine and capable. But you're actually broken/dying/desperate on the inside. When my mask slips it often releases rage, over silly things. (shop doesn't have the sandwich I wanted. etc) and people are shocked at the response - because they are unaccustomed to seeing the emotionality from me.

Then I also agree with what youre saying about people only seeing the surface - my experience is that people only see what they want to or what immediately affects them. People are inherently selfish and only care about what affects them!

 

[RasinBoxECT]

I agree with .seethroughme. Society punishes and or stigmatizes anything that isn't the norm. There may be some slow moving change to destigmatize mental illness but the world isn't there yet. Because of this we learn to hide the abnormalities.
I made it through college and am currently maintaining a 9-5 job while hiding how depressed and suicidal I am. My logic has always been that no one wants to be around some depressed person who mopes around all day. So I force a smile and trained myself to auto-pilot through social interactions. Unless I'm feeling really depressed I can act completely "normal" by society's standards.

I had a similar experience in a psych ward. I went because I was very suicidal and thought that I might actually go through with it. When I got there I was polite to the staff and didn't cause any problems. I just stayed in my room all day and read the books they had. I didn't interact with anyone more than I had to but I did get asked why I was there because I seemed so normal.
Because I seemed normal and the other patients required more attentive care the staff left me along most of the time and never paid close attention to me.
Little did they know I was actively thinking of things I could use to hurt or kill myself with that I had access to. When I got there I was given a set of papers held together with a paperclip. They forgot to take the paperclip off. I was later told that we weren't allowed to have paper clips because they could be used to hurt ourselves. At that point I had already scraped up my leg with it. I also happened to be wearing shorts with a drawstring in them when I went in. They gave me pants to wear instead but I just kept wearing the shorts underneath. That drawstring was another item I was later told I wasn't supposed to have because I could choke myself with it. I did consider it but didn't do it while at the ward.
I don't blame the staff for not paying close attention to me. They really had their hands full with some of the other patients. It just goes to show how unprepared they were to deal with someone who can mask their true emotions and put up a normal front. They expected anyone who would go to a psych ward to have a serious glaring outward issue. If you look "normal", you get set as low priority.

 

[.seethroughme.]

YES! THIS IS IT!

People look at maskers experiencing deep emotional destress and thoughts to CTB and see a calm logical facade and think we are fine! Or worse faking/lying. The perception that everyone experiencing a full blown melt down is screaming and arm waving is so outdated!

To be honest, my Mum had a metal breakdown that started 25 Years ago, she still hasn't recovered and is an alcoholic. But her breakdown was a classic arm waving/screaming episode. It also happened a few times after when she had episodes where she tried ctb, and it always felt really fake to me. Because with attention/people flocking to her it would slow and stop.

So I personally believe the arm wavers/screamers aren't necessarily the ones to watch for, its the quiet contemplative ones. Because they could either be thinking of survival or planning their ticket. And, you wouldn't know unless you tried to engage and discuss.