The plans I had for living:

[Nekohime]

Hello

Laying here feeling a mixture of emotions. Am I the only one that had great plans for my life? Were you ever so ambitious it embarrassed you a little how much faith you had in yourself, because we live in a society that favours self-deprecation over self-love?

I want to write what I wanted in my life so it exists somewhere, but I know it won't be existing in real life as I have my plan set in place for in less than a months' time.

I am sure on my plan as I have realised that letting myself finally be at rest will be loving myself more than forcing myself to live, I of course can't speak for anyone else but me with this. My heart is so broken from being shattered over and over to the point I feel physical pain now, like my heart is permanently bruised.

I wanted to be an author, my book I was writing was called 'Where are the Birds?' The meaning behind the title is that you can find lots of birds in lively, healthy environments; but in environments that are sad and dull you will find less birds. I am in a sad and dull environment that I try to leave time and time again and I am still stuck here. 'Where are the Birds?' hints that I am in a life that is sad and dull. Maybe the book name is stupid, but it meant a lot to me and I was proud of myself for thinking of it.

The book was sort of about my life, not in sequential order but just bits and pieces that I can still remember vividly that I could string together as a plot. I was going to write bit day-by-day, and that each thing I write was something I actually experienced first hand, in the end my character would either kill herself or live, and not even I knew the ending so I left it blank until I knew for sure.

I wanted to be a model, when I listen to music I envision myself walking down a runway to the music. I wanted to be in a Bratz movie as Yasmin since I look like her and I feel like Yasmin always seems at least mildly depressed in the movies and shows, so I always felt like I related to her the most.

I guess all this sounds silly now, but I just wanted to share with someone, thank you for reading.

 

[ArchmagePrincess]

I don't think it sounds silly. A lot of what you said are things that are going to stick with me, these short words give me the impression you're a good writer with a fascinating point of view. When I go to a park where it's happy to be around there are plenty of birds, but I won't find any anywhere near my workplaces. Looking around me to see if there are birds are not is going to stick with me.

The concept of society valuing self-depreciation over self-love is one I deeply resonate with and am glad to see it put to words. It seems much easier to beat down on yourself, make jokes at your expense, than it is to be honest about what you want and pursue those dreams. You're often shamed for even believing in yourself when ironically as children they told us to dream big. Creative or ambitious careers are frowned upon by your peers, they say you won't make money that way and to probably give up and get a soulless job.

You wanting to be a model and you fantasizing going down the runway to the music is such a sweet visual. Someone just loving themselves enough to show off what they look like. I once wanted to be a ballerina, wearing fantasy costumes like disney princesses, so I relate pretty heavily to this notion. I once wanted to be a writer myself, and was always told I'd just starve if I tried.

Maybe it does all sound silly, but I think being truly human is silly in of itself. A big character arc I had to go through was getting over the concept of "cringe culture" and just have fun authentically being myself loving what I love regardless of how silly or cringe I seem to others. Unapologetically enjoying the things I do has helped deal with a lot of the pain, but seeing as how I still want to CTB certainly doesn't fix everything. But now when I look around me and see no birds and remind myself that because of the constant need for money I don't have the time or energy to go where there are birds, I'll have a beautiful way to express my sorrow. Thank you.

 

[liana]

I love that book title.

 

[Uk2023]

I'm glad you shared.

It's interesting that 2 of you experience the world as valuing self depreciation.

My experience is the opposite, my lack of confidence and vision (and speed! I have a mild learning difficulty that blocks my imagination) is what makes me isolated.

I find other people's confidence unsettling to understand or support. Don't get me wrong I like a confident person but when I ask 'wow, how?' I get rejected as being negative - that the 'how?' is a bad thing.

In my mind I want a path, some steps to follow. I assume people share because they want help, even if they don't know it.

Otherwise why share it? I have often wondered if there is a belief that verbal agreement on a vision has some kind of power for people

'Tell us how' is something I was encouraged to do as a child but it's not appreciated in my adult experience.

Anyway I know you wanted to share, I'm glad you did.

 

[LastFlowers]

Am I the only one that had great plans for my life? Were you ever so ambitious it embarrassed you a little how much faith you had in yourself, because we live in a society that favours self-deprecation over self-love?

At some point I was very ambitious- academically, musically, perhaps even dramatically..so on and so forth.
But quietly so..kept most dreams to myself (maybe it was partly out of embarrassment or knowing that certain dreams required characteristics I did not have or could not acquire).
Not because I think this society favors deprecation over "self love", but just because I'd rather walk the walk before I talk the talk.
I'd rather do the work and then let it speak for itself.
I also don't like getting too confident or comfortable with any skill/talent/passion I may or may not have..may lead to a blunder or reaching a plateau.
(I could hardly afford that, considering how humiliating my existence already was.)
Of course, that hardly matters now.
Death is imminent.


Don't feel bad about not becoming a model, especially if you apparently look like one already, that's consolation enough.
Plus that industry contributes to why a lot of people on this site want to kill themselves.
Extremely discriminatory based on immutable characteristics…propagates and perpetuates the lookist status quo and the celebration of unearned and superficial traits, the other side of the coin being the inevitable demonization and devaluation of appearances that don't fit the universal beauty standard and/or model look.
I mean..most of the entertainment industry is guilty of this too, but modeling is just shameless about it and undiluted.

..I will admit I also had many Bratz dolls growing up though LOL, most people would be surprised to know that.
IIRC my mother hated them, but also didn't want me to throw them away, out of sentiment.
Not sure why I preferred them so much over Barbies (I only liked the accessories and veterinary stuff that came with some Barbies).
Overall I liked more unisex type children's toys and old school things.
Idk if anyone remembers these either: Polly Pocket and Betty Spaghetty, among others.

Sorry about your lost dream of becoming an author though, that could certainly have been worthwhile imo.
If I were to have ever received the proper education and freedom of being to become one myself, I probably would have still opted to remain anonymous.
I like privacy and I don't like ego.
If I was successful, idk that I would even make it known, maybe keep it to myself if I could or just tell one or two family members.
I wouldn't need a more personalized or obsequious audience if I felt seen and heard through my work alone.
I've noticed that many unchecked successes encroach on the contentment of others.
Like siblings to famous people..seems like absolute hell. I would never want to contribute to that either, if I could help it.
I don't think many think about those types of people..they are lost behind the stage.
And let's be honest, as I'm sure you can appreciate, success is not awarded to everyone in this life..certainly not by their own definition.
I wish everyone could experience it equally, if they so wished.
But a lot of people's success is built on the failures of others.
Same as happiness.
Reality is unfortunate.

 

[Uk2023]

At some point I was very ambitious- academically, musically, perhaps even dramatically..so on and so forth.
But quietly so..kept most dreams to myself (maybe it was partly out of embarrassment or knowing that certain dreams required characteristics I did not have or could not acquire).
Not because I think this society favors deprecation over "self love", but just because I'd rather walk the walk before I talk the talk.
I'd rather do the work and then let it speak for itself.
I also don't like getting too confident or comfortable with any skill/talent/passion I may or may not have..may lead to a blunder or reaching a plateau.
(I could hardly afford that, considering how humiliating my existence already was.)
Of course, that hardly matters now.
Death is imminent.


Don't feel bad about not becoming a model, especially if you apparently look like one already, that's consolation enough.
Plus that industry contributes to why a lot of people on this site want to kill themselves.
Extremely discriminatory based on immutable characteristics…propagates and perpetuates the lookist status quo and the celebration of unearned and superficial traits, the other side of the coin being the inevitable demonization and devaluation of appearances that don't fit the universal beauty standard and/or model look.
I mean..most of the entertainment industry is guilty of this too, but modeling is just shameless about it and undiluted.

..I will admit I also had many Bratz dolls growing up though LOL, most people would be surprised to know that.
IIRC my mother hated them, but also didn't want me to throw them away, out of sentiment.
Not sure why I preferred them so much over Barbies (I only liked the accessories and veterinary stuff that came with some Barbies).
Overall I liked more unisex type children's toys and old school things.
Idk if anyone remembers these either: Polly Pocket and Betty Spaghetty, among others.

Sorry about your lost dream of becoming an author though, that could certainly have been worthwhile imo.
If I were to have ever received the proper education and freedom of being to become one myself, I probably would have still opted to remain anonymous.
I like privacy and I don't like ego.
If I was successful, idk that I would even make it known, maybe keep it to myself if I could or just tell one or two family members.
I wouldn't need a more personalized or obsequious audience if I felt seen and heard through my work alone.
I've noticed that many unchecked successes encroach on the contentment of others.
Like siblings to famous people..seems like absolute hell. I would never want to contribute to that either, if I could help it.
I don't think many think about those types of people..they are lost behind the stage.
And let's be honest, as I'm sure you can appreciate, success is not awarded to everyone in this life..certainly not by their own definition.
I wish everyone could experience it equally, if they so wished.
But a lot of people's success is built on the failures of others.
Same as happiness.
Reality is unfortunate.

'But a lot of people's success is built on the failures of others.'

This statement is so true

It's such a shame that 'success' is celebrated so blindly.

At times I have felt that success without some ill doing is the only formula and have self sabotaged to avoid genuine success moments in youth. I didn't want to join them and forgot that I could have been a good success story. I'm glad to be reminded of it now and will try not to shy away if presented with the opportunity again.

 

[LastFlowers]

'But a lot of people's success is built on the failures of others.'

This statement is so true

It's such a shame that 'success' is celebrated so blindly.

At times I have felt that success without some ill doing is the only formula and have self sabotaged to avoid genuine success moments in youth. I didn't want to join them and forgot that I could have been a good success story. I'm glad to be reminded of it now and will try not to shy away if presented with the opportunity again.

Yes it really is a shame.
I think it's noble of you to have tried to stick to a formula of success without "ill doing", though I am sorry to hear about the self-sabotage.

You sound like someone who would be a rare and pleasant host of their own success, while being mindful of others, I do wish you could receive the opportunity again.


Also I wanted to say I read your other comment and I'm sorry you received hostility for simply asking others "how" in regards to other people's confidence, etc.
That's not negative at all.
And people demonize "negativity" anyhow, sometimes "positivity" can be just as unpleasant or inappropriate.