The past and what I realize now that ik I have bpd

[permanently tired]

I used to be a very social kid growing up, but now it's all an act. I pretend I'm interested and attentive in conversation when I'm rlly not and surprisingly good at it. I was alarmed for a moment after realizing how seemingly well I got along with ppl, but the second I try to open up to ppl, they don't want to hear me out. I'm out of ppl to try and befriend and rant to so when my sister was texting me I just let her have it. She told me she doesn't agree with me and that I can have peace now and that we are besties for life and I told her abt my constant fluctuating opinion of her. I was (am) such a shitty person growing up but now I can see all the signs. If my sister did anything minor or even if she didn't I would get so angry and devalued her in my mind. I idealize and devalue ppl with extreme frequency and I have to remind myself to be aware of my condition and not let emotions blind me. I told her this and she asked me for an example, but I couldn't think of one with her since we've become more distant. My most recent example would be my college roommate who first contacted me online, we had maybe 10 lines of text between us but my mind was alr whirling abt what fun he would be. It crashed so quickly, he walked through the dorm door and I was already over him. Idk where I'm going with this, but I'm replaying my memories and all the signs are lighting up. Some ppl are offended that bpd has the word personality in it, however I can't differentiate between myself and bpd. It's a nice entangled mess. Yay self awareness. Being a shitty oblivious person was better for the mental tbh.

 

[2messdup]

I used to be a very social kid growing up, but now it's all an act. I pretend I'm interested and attentive in conversation when I'm rlly not and surprisingly good at it. I was alarmed for a moment after realizing how seemingly well I got along with ppl, but the second I try to open up to ppl, they don't want to hear me out. I'm out of ppl to try and befriend and rant to so when my sister was texting me I just let her have it. She told me she doesn't agree with me and that I can have peace now and that we are besties for life and I told her abt my constant fluctuating opinion of her. I was (am) such a shitty person growing up but now I can see all the signs. If my sister did anything minor or even if she didn't I would get so angry and devalued her in my mind. I idealize and devalue ppl with extreme frequency and I have to remind myself to be aware of my condition and not let emotions blind me. I told her this and she asked me for an example, but I couldn't think of one with her since we've become more distant. My most recent example would be my college roommate who first contacted me online, we had maybe 10 lines of text between us but my mind was alr whirling abt what fun he would be. It crashed so quickly, he walked through the dorm door and I was already over him. Idk where I'm going with this, but I'm replaying my memories and all the signs are lighting up. Some ppl are offended that bpd has the word personality in it, however I can't differentiate between myself and bpd. It's a nice entangled mess. Yay self awareness. Being a shitty oblivious person was better for the mental tbh.

But if you're diagnosed now with bpd, can't you get some treatment. I thought treatment could be very successful? Or am I mistaken/naive. This struck a chord because I'm autistic but I think I'm BPD too, and not knowing is very hard. But so far the mental health people say "there's a lot of overlap" so I've gotta wait until September when I see the next psychiatrist and then persuade him that a diagnosis isn't "labelling" - it's understanding myself and getting the right treatment I need.

 

[Saddragon]

Bpd is mostly managed with meds and some lifestyle changes and you can have a (nearly) normal life, but it can have a real negative impact on your life if not treated.

 

[painoflife]

Bpd is mostly managed with meds and some lifestyle changes and you can have a (nearly) normal life, but it can have a real negative impact on your life if not treated.

What meds are given for BPD?
My consultant doesn't like people to rely on medication and told me structured clinical management was the best treatment (but I don't trust him).

 

[Saddragon]

Hey, I'm so sorry. I was talking about BD not BPD. I only realized it later.

 

[itsalittlecold]

What meds are given for BPD?
My consultant doesn't like people to rely on medication and told me structured clinical management was the best treatment (but I don't trust him).

I've recently been diagnosed bpd and they've started me on venlafaxine's

 

[painoflife]

I've recently been diagnosed bpd and they've started me on venlafaxine's

How do they expect it will help?
I have been prescribed numerous antidepressants over the last 10 years but only just been told that I have BPD, they keep saying no medication will help because "it's just the way you are" and that's hard for me to accept.

 

[itsalittlecold]

How do they expect it will help?
I have been prescribed numerous antidepressants over the last 10 years but only just been told that I have BPD, they keep saying no medication will help because "it's just the way you are" and that's hard for me to accept.

I've tried 4 different upto now, mirtazipine been the last I tried. They told me these where a second line of treatment..
The psychiatrist is convinced I'm depressed (I really don't feel it) & is trying to help with my ideation of ctb'ing..
I'm honestly not expecting them too work, I'm on day 8 and I'm feeling worst than before.
However reading up on these, they have a high potential for abuse like crushed up and snorted is like amphetamine & it's so tempting to do it, but they only give me a weeks supply at a time lol.

Have you only tried ssri's upto now? Venlafaxines are snri's it targets noradrenaline uptake

 

[MapleSyrupVein]

I used to be a very social kid growing up, but now it's all an act. I pretend I'm interested and attentive in conversation when I'm rlly not and surprisingly good at it. I was alarmed for a moment after realizing how seemingly well I got along with ppl, but the second I try to open up to ppl, they don't want to hear me out. I'm out of ppl to try and befriend and rant to so when my sister was texting me I just let her have it. She told me she doesn't agree with me and that I can have peace now and that we are besties for life and I told her abt my constant fluctuating opinion of her. I was (am) such a shitty person growing up but now I can see all the signs. If my sister did anything minor or even if she didn't I would get so angry and devalued her in my mind. I idealize and devalue ppl with extreme frequency and I have to remind myself to be aware of my condition and not let emotions blind me. I told her this and she asked me for an example, but I couldn't think of one with her since we've become more distant. My most recent example would be my college roommate who first contacted me online, we had maybe 10 lines of text between us but my mind was alr whirling abt what fun he would be. It crashed so quickly, he walked through the dorm door and I was already over him. Idk where I'm going with this, but I'm replaying my memories and all the signs are lighting up. Some ppl are offended that bpd has the word personality in it, however I can't differentiate between myself and bpd. It's a nice entangled mess. Yay self awareness. Being a shitty oblivious person was better for the mental tbh.

bpd struggler here too i hope you'll figure out your life better then i am

 

[painoflife]

I've tried 4 different upto now, mirtazipine been the last I tried. They told me these where a second line of treatment..
The psychiatrist is convinced I'm depressed (I really don't feel it) & is trying to help with my ideation of ctb'ing..
I'm honestly not expecting them too work, I'm on day 8 and I'm feeling worst than before.
However reading up on these, they have a high potential for abuse like crushed up and snorted is like amphetamine & it's so tempting to do it, but they only give me a weeks supply at a time lol.

Have you only tried ssri's upto now? Venlafaxines are snri's it targets noradrenaline uptake

I have tried both venlafaxine and duloxetine which are snri, also other types of meds like lithium and currently trying olanzapine.

 

[Butkovich]

I can say as someone who has BPD in remission, it does get better.

I spent around a year in therapy.. it got a lot better.. painful and hard but it does get better. To recognize it, is a large step in the right direction to help/remission.

 

[itsalittlecold]

I have tried both venlafaxine and duloxetine which are snri, also other types of meds like lithium and currently trying olanzapine.

Seems like your consultant is likely right.. nothing I'm trying this far is working.
How do you handle friendships/relationships? I've gone through that many it's resulted in me isolating for a long period of time because I just don't wanna go through the motions anymore.

 

[painoflife]

Seems like your consultant is likely right.. nothing I'm trying this far is working.
How do you handle friendships/relationships? I've gone through that many it's resulted in me isolating for a long period of time because I just don't wanna go through the motions anymore.

I am married to a very understand guy, he knows when to leave me alone and not push too much on me at once. I don't deserve him, he is far too good for me.
I have never been able to keep friends and class myself as having none. I know people but if I try and form a friendship it goes from 0 to 100 and I've found a favourite person then all the bad thoughts start. I always end up hurt so I now don't try and make connections to people as I can't keep going through it. This isn't a life I want but I can't seem to change how I am.
I have been in an SCM course but had to take a break since I had what they classed as a mini breakdown (I am 34 years old ffs) and couldn't function at all. Hospital stay for that and I am trying to find my feet again.
It is so hard to see the point in continuing this vicious cycle. Feel free to message me if you want to talk :)

 

[itsalittlecold]

I am married to a very understand guy, he knows when to leave me alone and not push too much on me at once. I don't deserve him, he is far too good for me.
I have never been able to keep friends and class myself as having none. I know people but if I try and form a friendship it goes from 0 to 100 and I've found a favourite person then all the bad thoughts start. I always end up hurt so I now don't try and make connections to people as I can't keep going through it. This isn't a life I want but I can't seem to change how I am.
I have been in an SCM course but had to take a break since I had what they classed as a mini breakdown (I am 34 years old ffs) and couldn't function at all. Hospital stay for that and I am trying to find my feet again.
It is so hard to see the point in continuing this vicious cycle. Feel free to message me if you want to talk :)

Glad to hear you have an understanding person in your life!
I relate to everything you said 100%, I was at a mental hospital last month. I really can't see any point in containing the circle, the only reason I'm holding back rn is my bro and sis I'm slowly trying to desensitise them.
Thank you, I appreciate that :) I'm terrible at conversations lol. If you ever need someone to sound off to or talk, same goes to you, you can message me