TLDR: When letting the anger I feel of being a victim of childhood abuse, setting myself up for a lifetime of suffering, letting this anger cloud my decision to end my life, the result is to stubbornly stay alive, but when removing this emotion, and analysing my life without anger or other such emotions clouding my judgement and only focusing on if the remaining potential years of my life are worth living all things being considered, then the result is that it is best that I end my life.
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I have recently discovered I have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), which was caused by being abused in childhood by my NPD mother, it's a very long story, but it started with me going down the rabbit hole of my past, discovering I had NPD which was self-sabotaging, as well as other aspects of myself, then seeing how my mother abused me psychologically and emotionally from my birth onward, setting myself up for where I am today at nearly age 40.
I will avoid the detail around this as this is about the paradox of analysing the choice to live or die, to end one's life or not, and if emotions are removed from the equation then what differences there are in the outcome of the thought process.
I found an interesting paradox, when I feel the intense sense of injustice of how my mother was the cause of all the problems I faced in my life, the horrible childhood, as well as teenage years and beyond, into becoming an adult who developed NPD, and in total denial, developing alcohol addiction (which is gone as I am teetotal for a few years now), and all of this, and when I thought about this and felt the anger at my mother for this, I felt that I did not want to end my life as it would feel as if my mother had "won" and would be giving in to her abuse, to make the downfall complete by rubber stamping it with my own suicide essentially.
However, one thing that may be classed as wisdom of sorts I guess, is to not let emotions, especially anger cloud my judgement of a decision making process, which was behind all of the major self-sabotaging and mistakes in my life.
So... I decided to take a step back, remove the emotion arising from blame/ being a victim, not see myself as a victim, and only to focus on this: That from the point in my life where I am now, with me likely never being able to live comfortably with the past, and with me knowing about the process of aging, physical health factors I face as well as the psychological and emotional deficits and troubles I face due to my conditions and caused by the abuse (without letting the emotion of anger of this cloud my judgement), then is continuing life worth it? Are the years I have left likely to have me accepting my past and not letting it affect my future, as well as the fact those lost years have not had me progressing in life to a point where I should be and thus I am likely to never attain the things that I value most in life at my age now when all is considered.... to see all the cold hard facts of my life, the difficulties I face moving forwards, and taking into account the general truth of what we all face, that life is ultimately just pointless anyway, and without resorting to addictions, which ultimately are a slow suicide anyway, are the remaining years worth living, or is it time to call it a day, call time on my life, accept that the cards I were handed at birth were really cruel, but accepting it is what it is, no anger emotions here clouding this... then...
I come to the conclusion that weighing everything up after removing emotion from the equation, that it is in my best interests to end my life, which for me is a paradox, but then, I guess the NPD and medical studies around suicide make sense with this, as the NPD makes suicide a lower risk for an attempt, but when an attempt comes it is deadly more than any other group.
NPD is also about hatred and vengeance/revenge, which could be the "I will stay alive to show my mother has not won", when in fact, this is not really how I should be viewing the decision, and would be making the same mistake i judgement that I have made with every choice I have ever been faced with all of my life, a stubbornness that goes against what is in my best interest.
I guess, the part most therapists would agree with is the whole not letting anger cloud my judgement, not being stubborn, but then they would get totally "oh noooo" when I say that this means that all factors considered that my life is best ended at this point as the future really does not look good, and will only get worse, when taking into account the universal factors we all share such as aging, as well as my own mind and physical health and knowing myself that trying to get past the pain of having already suffered a lifetime of pain and suffering where I am nearly 40 years old, and with the years left and the quality of those years, having lost the best years of my life already to NPD, really my life is already over and best ended before it gets worse... but no psychiatrist, psychologist or therapist could ever agree with this could they? They would just try to lock me up in a mental hospital, which in my case, is totally futile as I have analysed this right down to the core.
Anti-depressants never worked with me, nothing ever did, and all they suggest now is to try anti-depressants again... which seems like they have run out of ideas.
My depression and other conditions are not due to an "imbalance of brain chemicals", it is about severe childhood abuse that I suffered and the resulting pain and suffering through the years all the way to the age I am now which is approaching middle age of 40 in a year or so.
I am pretty sure a pill can't fix that.
I am also pretty sure that the reason that nobody else with my situation has recorded cases or posted online is that it is extremely rare for someone with NPD to accept a diagnosis of NPD, let alone to realise that they themselves had had it all their life, then seen the self-sabotaging and the losses that caused, as well as then going deeper down the rabbit hole to discover the cause being that it was caused by how they suffered childhood abuse from a mother who had the same NPD condition, I may be the only one who has ever found out this about themselves, so it makes me feel all alone in this, and I can see why even if those with NPD who ended their life, may have done some part of this self-analysis, they may have only done it to the point where they felt life being worthless and then decided to end it, without digging further and/or without sharing their views with anybody (apparently common with NPD and I can see why if they have not fully shed their arrogance and ego).
I just happen to be very analytical and truth seeking, I have an engineering mind, and so when the denial of the NPD was gone, I was always going to go deep down that rabbit hole, and see the full horrors of my life in full view and how those dots all connect, where not many may be inclined to do such a thing.
I wonder if anyone else has ever done a deep dive on their own life and what they thought and conclusions they came to (NPD and non-NPD and any other conditions or people with no diagnosed conditions are all welcome for sharing their views here).
It seems that my case is opposite of how the media portrays suicide, where someone had not thought it through properly, as in my case the knee-jerk reaction was to stay alive, but when really analysing it, it is that death is the best option all things considered in my situation.
Feels like a paradox to me.
- - -
I have recently discovered I have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), which was caused by being abused in childhood by my NPD mother, it's a very long story, but it started with me going down the rabbit hole of my past, discovering I had NPD which was self-sabotaging, as well as other aspects of myself, then seeing how my mother abused me psychologically and emotionally from my birth onward, setting myself up for where I am today at nearly age 40.
I will avoid the detail around this as this is about the paradox of analysing the choice to live or die, to end one's life or not, and if emotions are removed from the equation then what differences there are in the outcome of the thought process.
I found an interesting paradox, when I feel the intense sense of injustice of how my mother was the cause of all the problems I faced in my life, the horrible childhood, as well as teenage years and beyond, into becoming an adult who developed NPD, and in total denial, developing alcohol addiction (which is gone as I am teetotal for a few years now), and all of this, and when I thought about this and felt the anger at my mother for this, I felt that I did not want to end my life as it would feel as if my mother had "won" and would be giving in to her abuse, to make the downfall complete by rubber stamping it with my own suicide essentially.
However, one thing that may be classed as wisdom of sorts I guess, is to not let emotions, especially anger cloud my judgement of a decision making process, which was behind all of the major self-sabotaging and mistakes in my life.
So... I decided to take a step back, remove the emotion arising from blame/ being a victim, not see myself as a victim, and only to focus on this: That from the point in my life where I am now, with me likely never being able to live comfortably with the past, and with me knowing about the process of aging, physical health factors I face as well as the psychological and emotional deficits and troubles I face due to my conditions and caused by the abuse (without letting the emotion of anger of this cloud my judgement), then is continuing life worth it? Are the years I have left likely to have me accepting my past and not letting it affect my future, as well as the fact those lost years have not had me progressing in life to a point where I should be and thus I am likely to never attain the things that I value most in life at my age now when all is considered.... to see all the cold hard facts of my life, the difficulties I face moving forwards, and taking into account the general truth of what we all face, that life is ultimately just pointless anyway, and without resorting to addictions, which ultimately are a slow suicide anyway, are the remaining years worth living, or is it time to call it a day, call time on my life, accept that the cards I were handed at birth were really cruel, but accepting it is what it is, no anger emotions here clouding this... then...
I come to the conclusion that weighing everything up after removing emotion from the equation, that it is in my best interests to end my life, which for me is a paradox, but then, I guess the NPD and medical studies around suicide make sense with this, as the NPD makes suicide a lower risk for an attempt, but when an attempt comes it is deadly more than any other group.
NPD is also about hatred and vengeance/revenge, which could be the "I will stay alive to show my mother has not won", when in fact, this is not really how I should be viewing the decision, and would be making the same mistake i judgement that I have made with every choice I have ever been faced with all of my life, a stubbornness that goes against what is in my best interest.
I guess, the part most therapists would agree with is the whole not letting anger cloud my judgement, not being stubborn, but then they would get totally "oh noooo" when I say that this means that all factors considered that my life is best ended at this point as the future really does not look good, and will only get worse, when taking into account the universal factors we all share such as aging, as well as my own mind and physical health and knowing myself that trying to get past the pain of having already suffered a lifetime of pain and suffering where I am nearly 40 years old, and with the years left and the quality of those years, having lost the best years of my life already to NPD, really my life is already over and best ended before it gets worse... but no psychiatrist, psychologist or therapist could ever agree with this could they? They would just try to lock me up in a mental hospital, which in my case, is totally futile as I have analysed this right down to the core.
Anti-depressants never worked with me, nothing ever did, and all they suggest now is to try anti-depressants again... which seems like they have run out of ideas.
My depression and other conditions are not due to an "imbalance of brain chemicals", it is about severe childhood abuse that I suffered and the resulting pain and suffering through the years all the way to the age I am now which is approaching middle age of 40 in a year or so.
I am pretty sure a pill can't fix that.
I am also pretty sure that the reason that nobody else with my situation has recorded cases or posted online is that it is extremely rare for someone with NPD to accept a diagnosis of NPD, let alone to realise that they themselves had had it all their life, then seen the self-sabotaging and the losses that caused, as well as then going deeper down the rabbit hole to discover the cause being that it was caused by how they suffered childhood abuse from a mother who had the same NPD condition, I may be the only one who has ever found out this about themselves, so it makes me feel all alone in this, and I can see why even if those with NPD who ended their life, may have done some part of this self-analysis, they may have only done it to the point where they felt life being worthless and then decided to end it, without digging further and/or without sharing their views with anybody (apparently common with NPD and I can see why if they have not fully shed their arrogance and ego).
I just happen to be very analytical and truth seeking, I have an engineering mind, and so when the denial of the NPD was gone, I was always going to go deep down that rabbit hole, and see the full horrors of my life in full view and how those dots all connect, where not many may be inclined to do such a thing.
I wonder if anyone else has ever done a deep dive on their own life and what they thought and conclusions they came to (NPD and non-NPD and any other conditions or people with no diagnosed conditions are all welcome for sharing their views here).
It seems that my case is opposite of how the media portrays suicide, where someone had not thought it through properly, as in my case the knee-jerk reaction was to stay alive, but when really analysing it, it is that death is the best option all things considered in my situation.
Feels like a paradox to me.
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