The pain you hand to others, to find peace for yourself

[throwaway678-]

This is on my mind constantly. Living is unbearable but I don't want to hurt the people I love.

 

[Aap]

Akathisia is horrible, and if anything, OP is understating a severe case. Do you find opiates (e.g. kratom) helps; likewise, have you found opiate withdrawl makes it worse?

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

Unfortunately, I freak out really bad on weed. Every single time lol. I've got overactive 5ht2c receptors, and apparently that could be why I don't respond well to weed.

I'll have to think about Kratom if this withdrawal becomes unbearable. I ended up getting SOME sleep, so that's good.

Have you experienced physical dependence with Kratom? If so, what was it like?

Marijuana is very unpredictable for me. Sometimes it makes me very anxious, and sometimes I feel great. Even if I'm using the same stuff and doing exactly the same thing I was the day before when it didn't cause any problems. But whenever I used it during withdrawals, I never had that problem for some reason. Always helped. But I'm not a huge fan of using it when I'm feeling fine, only because I don't know what to expect.

It's so hard to tell if I'm becoming physically dependent on the kratom. Akathisia feels so similar to opiate withdrawals, so I can't tell if what I'm feeling when it wears off is only the akathisia, or if it's also kratom withdrawals. I've learned now that I actually had akathisia during the acute phase of opiate withdrawals, just didn't know that then. So I don't even know what opiate withdrawals are like without it, which a lot of people don't experience. I've only been using it for two months now. I suspect it won't be long at all before that times comes though. I used to kratom years ago to taper off harder opiates and it worked very well and I've always been very grateful for the stuff since it helped me get clean. I used it, I think, for four months and then came off that. The withdrawals were much less severe, fairly mild compared to heroin and oxys and it was easier to do. But since I had been using opiates for years, I don't don't know if it would have been even easier had that not been the case.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I suppose it's cruel...but you seem to be suffering so much. In my opinion, dying by suicide is simply when the person decides that they've had enough and takes control.

I've already pulled my friends aside and talked to them about my future suicide. I told them when the time comes, it simply means that I'm tired of suffering and don't see it getting better despite my best efforts. It's nothing to do with them, there isn't anything they can do or did wrong. It's a decision that I make based on my life and perception, and that alone. Understanding this and allowing me to take control is the biggest form of respect and love that my friends could show me. Everyone dies in the end anyway, so whatever.

I think they've accepted it. One friend pointed out that she would be very upset and would cry (she never really shows emotion), another friend asked me to call her before I do it. But none of my friends argued with me about it, and I'm grateful for that.

My family will just...find out when it happens, I guess. I refuse to tell them beforehand because I know they'll call the police and have me hospitalized. I'm not doing that. It will be very hard on them, but I can't stay alive for other people like that and continue to suffer. It's not fair to anyone.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

Akathisia is horrible, and if anything, OP is understating a severe case. Do you find opiates (e.g. kratom) helps; likewise, have you found opiate withdrawl makes it worse?

It's one of those things that, yes it helps with the akathisia, but it will also make it worse later with continued use. Opiate withdrawals in itself causes akathisia for me. Since I don't plan on living much longer, it's not much of an issue for me. I wouldn't have started using it though if I wanted to live. Then again, akathisia makes me suicidal in a very compulsive manner. My first attempts were during the peak of my akathisia. So even if I wanted to live, I'd probably kill myself just because of how excruciating the disorder is. It's the worst kind of hell, truly indescribable.

 

[Aap]

Yeah, I'm so sorry you are living that. Severe akathisiais it's own indescribable hell. It's made worse because it is something so far outside the norm that the majority of the population can not understand it. The closest analogue would be restless leg syndrome, and that is so mild by comparison that it doesn't really relate.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

Yeah, I'm so sorry you are living that. Severe akathisiais it's own indescribable hell. It's made worse because it is something so far outside the norm that the majority of the population can not understand it. The closest analogue would be restless leg syndrome, and that is so mild by comparison that it doesn't really relate.

I take it you've experienced it? The physical restlessness in aka is similar to restless leg syndrome, but far worse and at least for me, all over the body. I've dealt with RLS since I was a kid. Restlessness in the upper body is worse than the legs. I suspect because there isn't much weight in that area, so movement isn't nearly as effective as with the legs. There is also another physical sensation I have with the aka, and it's a form of dysesthesia that manifests as this icky burning/tingling sensation. Very hard to describe, but not everyone gets it. Not everyone gets the mental symptoms either, which is terror and profound heartbreak on a level that is nearly impossible for people to understand that haven't felt it. To me and everyone who experiences both the physical and mental, the mental part is the worst and what makes dealing with the physical sensations much harder. It terrifies me to think I could live with this for years. I'm in an akathisia group on Facebook and there are people who have been dealing with it for a decade. That's insane.

 

[Aap]

Yeah, the mental aspect of not knowing when it will end coupled with the extreme lack of sleep makes it difficult to impossible to deal with. I found very hot baths provide some temporary, though only temporary, relief.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

Yeah, the mental aspect of not knowing when it will end coupled with the extreme lack of sleep makes it difficult to impossible to deal with. I found very hot baths provide some temporary, though only temporary, relief.

The same for me. Also, alternating between hot and cold showers. Start with the hot water, then go back and forth. Exercise helps too, even if only temporary, but I've also been in a pretty bad RA flare for two months now, making exercise sometimes impossible. Just one thing after another.

 

[Aap]

Well, I certainly can't offer any answers, but dealing with progressive chronic pain is something I know too well. You're very brave and aren't alone in feeling how you feel. Chronic pain is insidious, as you typically look "ok." It's something extremely difficult to understand, even by those closest to you.

 

[braketimez]

Marijuana is very unpredictable for me. Sometimes it makes me very anxious, and sometimes I feel great. Even if I'm using the same stuff and doing exactly the same thing I was the day before when it didn't cause any problems. But whenever I used it during withdrawals, I never had that problem for some reason. Always helped. But I'm not a huge fan of using it when I'm feeling fine, only because I don't know what to expect.

It's so hard to tell if I'm becoming physically dependent on the kratom. Akathisia feels so similar to opiate withdrawals, so I can't tell if what I'm feeling when it wears off is only the akathisia, or if it's also kratom withdrawals. I've learned now that I actually had akathisia during the acute phase of opiate withdrawals, just didn't know that then. So I don't even know what opiate withdrawals are like without it, which a lot of people don't experience. I've only been using it for two months now. I suspect it won't be long at all before that times comes though. I used to kratom years ago to taper off harder opiates and it worked very well and I've always been very grateful for the stuff since it helped me get clean. I used it, I think, for four months and then came off that. The withdrawals were much less severe, fairly mild compared to heroin and oxys and it was easier to do. But since I had been using opiates for years, I don't don't know if it would have been even easier had that not been the case.

Kratom sounds legit. I'm glad it helped you taper off the opiates. Withdrawal from Kratom doesn't sound that bad either.

I might have tried it one time a few years ago, come to think of it...Might have been Kava, though. I don't know.
It was at some place called "Mad Hatter's Ethnobotanical Tea Bar" in St. Petersburg, Florida.

I can recall it tasted pretty earthy and definitely calmed my nerves (if I'm thinking of the right thing).

It's good you found something that works for you. It's always nice to run across a gem that brings some relief.

Any recommended sources for Kratom if I give it a shot?

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

Kratom sounds legit. I'm glad it helped you taper off the opiates. Withdrawal from Kratom doesn't sound that bad either.

I might have tried it one time a few years ago, come to think of it...Might have been Kava, though. I don't know.
It was at some place called "Mad Hatter's Ethnobotanical Tea Bar" in St. Petersburg, Florida.

I can recall it tasted pretty earthy and definitely calmed my nerves (if I'm thinking of the right thing).

It's good you found something that works for you. It's always nice to run across a gem that brings some relief.

Any recommended sources for Kratom if I give it a shot?

Kava never worked well for me. It'll make me feel better for about 10-30 minutes, but then it turns on me and my anxiety comes back with a vengeance.

As for kratom sources, my favorite so far is Acadica, especially his Green Sibau. The only thing is that it usually takes two or three days for him to send it after payment and at least the last time I ordered, he doesn't accept credit or debit. I always pay by Google Pay but there are other options. It's the only vendor so far that doesn't usually cause nausea. Other two brands that are good and reliable are Canopy Botanicals (green jongkong is my favorite) and Goldleaf Botanicals. But Acadica is by far my favorite and his is stronger than the other two, but yet doesn't cause nausea like they do. I have a sensitive stomach, so that doesn't mean you're likely to feel sick as well. When it does hit, taking Tums, ginger and diphenhydramine and eating help to ease it.

 

[braketimez]

Kava never worked well for me. It'll make me feel better for about 10-30 minutes, but then it turns on me and my anxiety comes back with a vengeance.

As for kratom sources, my favorite so far is Acadica, especially his Green Sibau. The only thing is that it usually takes two or three days for him to send it after payment and at least the last time I ordered, he doesn't accept credit or debit. I always pay by Google Pay but there are other options. It's the only vendor so far that doesn't usually cause nausea. Other two brands that are good and reliable are Canopy Botanicals (green jongkong is my favorite) and Goldleaf Botanicals. But Acadica is by far my favorite and his is stronger than the other two, but yet doesn't cause nausea like they do. I have a sensitive stomach, so that doesn't mean you're likely to feel sick as well. When it does hit, taking Tums, ginger and diphenhydramine and eating help to ease it.

Awesome. Thanks for the resources.

 

[SeekingMoksha]

This is exactly what I'm saying! There is nothing they can do to fix it, and it is not like I haven't tried talking about. Whenever I tried to open up, they would get annoyed. I've tried help myself, but i guess some of us are just met to go in a different way. I'm sure they will find their way to manage and move on. There's not a lot left in this world for me. It's only a matter of time. I already know how I'm going to do it. I do apologize for the mess I left behind.
Also, youu can't ask someone to stick around if they don't want to! They can call a selfish all they want but I think it is selfish for them to ask us to carry on suffering just because they're going to miss as for a little while. We are all on different paths and that's just the way it is.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

This is exactly what I'm saying! There is nothing they can do to fix it, and it is not like I haven't tried talking about. Whenever I tried to open up, they would get annoyed. I've tried help myself, but i guess some of us are just met to go in a different way. I'm sure they will find their way to manage and move on. There's not a lot left in this world for me. It's only a matter of time. I already know how I'm going to do it. I do apologize for the mess I left behind.
Also, youu can't ask someone to stick around if they don't want to! They can call a selfish all they want but I think it is selfish for them to ask us to carry on suffering just because they're going to miss as for a little while. We are all on different paths and that's just the way it is.

I've always felt the same way, even before I was suicidal. Even if it is selfish to commit suicide, asking someone to live longer when they are in great pain just so you don't have to deal with their death is just as selfish. Even more, really.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Much love.

 

[AcornUnderground]

I feel your pain. I suffer from terrible physical pain and there is no way to stay. It will get much worse and I'm already bedridden. I will cause INCREDIBLE heartbreak when I leave, for many people including children. It is pure torture to be put in the position of losing your own life to suffering and have the responsibility slammed in your lap to end it, causing pain for those you love the most. Never saw this one coming in my life. I'm sorry for you, too.

 

[Wonderland]

I liked what you s

The hardest part of all this for me is knowing the pain I'm going to cause the people I love. That's what I keep thinking about, more than my own troubles. I want so deeply for people to understand suicide, to know what it's really like. I have no doubt that if they were able to step into my brain and experience what I feel and see the world as I see it, they would completely understand this decision. Whenever an animal or human being is in the worst kind of physical pain conceivable, it's considered compassionate by nearly everyone to end their suffering by death. I wish people could acknowledge and understand that mental illness really can be that severe. Every day, it's just complete terror, unimaginable heartbreak and anguish from mental illness (anxiety, depression, list goes on) and neurological disorders (akathisia, migraines, seizures, severe tinnitus, etc), physical discomfort from my physical illnesses (RA, endometriosis, etc), traumatic experiences like rape and a sense of profound hopelessness that is supported by logic and objective insight.

I'm currently taking kratom and phenibut, and it helps a great deal and allows me to function and get through each day until I can soon ctb with my partner, but I can't take them forever and I will never touch another SSRI or related drug again after developing akathisia. I went years trying to naturally fix it all with daily exercise, healthy diet, mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation, cognitive behavioral therapy, walks outside, the whole thing and while it did help some, it did not cure it. I came to accept that my anxiety, which is the true route of all my problems and has destroyed my life, is an illness that cannot be cured by lifestyle changes and so I turned to antidepressants but four months in, developed akathisia which is literally, torture. The only way for me to find peace is to end my life, but in order to do that, I have to hurt the people I love the most on an unbelievable scale. What is that? That's so cruel. Life is just a series of random and unjust circumstances, one after another and I am just.. done.


View attachment 35109

"The torment of imprisonment lies in not being able to escape from oneself at any time." - Kōbō Abe
Screenshots and quote from The Face of Another (Tanin no kao)

I like with you said about your loved ones. It's kinda different for me 'cause they put me on a mental institution as they didn't know how to deal with me, even though I don't wanna hurt them, I wish they could understand the hell I¡m living in. I decided to start a diary, with some thoughts, maybe they'll find it after I'm gone, maybe not. But I hope it will give them some peace as they understand even a little bit why I did, that I had no choice, and at the end I will have my peace.

Love, Al

 

[SeekingMoksha]

I've always felt the same way, even before I was suicidal. Even if it is selfish to commit suicide, asking someone to live longer when they are in great pain just so you don't have to deal with their death is just as selfish. Even more, really.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Much love.

Thank you

 

[Exitforme]

"The pain you hand to others, to find peace for yourself"

What utter rubbish. All men die. Anyone who mourns death is in denial about their mortality or that of others.

Death for everyman is as sure as the sun rising every morning.

You are not "passing on your pain to others by dying". You are merely fulfilling what was inevitable, sooner or later.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

"The pain you hand to others, to find peace for yourself"

What utter rubbish. All men die. Anyone who mourns death is in denial about their mortality or that of others.

Death for everyman is as sure as the sun rising every morning.

You are not "passing on your pain to others by dying". You are merely fulfilling what was inevitable, sooner or later.

Agree to disagree, I suppose. Just because it's rubbish to you, doesn't mean it's not to me and many others. I can't help being an overly empathetic person. It's just who I am. I can see why it would be rubbish for people who aren't at all.