ardacalvin
Member
- Feb 25, 2020
- 41
My mom gave a trailer as to what's gonna happen after I CTB. She had a serious mental breakdown after telling her what I was gonna do. She laid on the floor and cried endlessly and started saying things like "I'm hideous, and I'm the most failure that the world has ever seen." I fear her more than my CTB. I know how much she loves me and how much suffering I'll bring, if I were to do what I'm planning. I'm almost 30 and the bond that we have with each other is too much even at this age. My fear of death is nothing being compared to the fear I have regarding for her well-being after what I'm gonna do.
However, my suffering is not even in a position to be articulated in so many words. So I've given up on writing to tell how much I've been suffering for the last 20 years. 'cause she will never understand my words and she will make this thing extremely personal, like, about her failure at being a terrible mother, which she is not.
I guess, after writing my will and liquidating all of my assets (stocks, bonds,etc), I'm taking my final risk of wrecking her forever, even though that's not my goal or aim whatsoever. My only hope will consist in that, she will one day understand me and forgive me in her terms.
However, my suffering is not even in a position to be articulated in so many words. So I've given up on writing to tell how much I've been suffering for the last 20 years. 'cause she will never understand my words and she will make this thing extremely personal, like, about her failure at being a terrible mother, which she is not.
I guess, after writing my will and liquidating all of my assets (stocks, bonds,etc), I'm taking my final risk of wrecking her forever, even though that's not my goal or aim whatsoever. My only hope will consist in that, she will one day understand me and forgive me in her terms.