The pain of years of rejection and never belonging is why I will kill myself at 30

[FireFox]

I am 26 and all my life I have struggled to fit in and don't know where I truly belong in this world. My parents are immigrants. Majority of my relatives live in my parents home country and the family tree is enormous. Growing up I had to deal with relatives not wanting me and looking down upon me. When my mum was struggling as a single mother when she had me all the relatives knew she was struggling and NONE of them cared nor helped. My mother and grandmother always helped the relatives. These relatives constantly look down upon my household and look down upon me too for not knowing the home language, not liking the home foods and making fun of me for being "crazy". In African culture family is very collectivist, interfering and a massive deal. My grandmother and mother care so much about the approval from relatives so growing up they put pressure on me to be the perfect daughter so the relatives won't be gossip and enjoy seeing another family member fail like they do with everyone else.

It's not fair I am not allowed to have mistakes nor be open about them whereas the males of the family along with other certain relatives are allowed to openly do all their bullshit and still get respect and sympathy from the family even the men who beat their wives still get respect from family members.

Every guy I have ever liked sees me as friend, nice person or a work colleague but never ever something special or more. It was terrible being that teenage girl in secondary school who never had a boy in class show a real interest in her, never have a childhood sweetheart and didn't get asked out to the year 11 school prom while all the other girls around me did. It hurt feeling all the time not being chosen and seeing other girls be seen as special by boys. I had the natural confidence to talk to boys, answered questions correctly in class but still they thought was the werid girl and the werid kid who got regularly builled. I have experienced all throughout my life friends abandoning me for their men and love interests. .

In adulthood I have travelled, regularly go outside to do outdoor activities but it is awful never having a man by my side. It's hurts being outside seeing women with their men being given love and affection something I never got to have.

I can no longer cope anymore with all these feelings of always feeling out of place in this world and never belonging because my own blood relatives rejecting me, the pain of frequent male rejection and just everything in my life going wrong and not having enough emotional support. My biggest fear is being those women who are forever single which is why I have decided to die at 30.

 

[Pomegranate]

Hey FireFox. I'm sorry you decided to CTB at 30. I share your pain. It's only natural to seek love. It's okay to want to feel special to someone else. Love isn't even something experienced by humans only. Other animals love each other, too. So when you try to look nice and seek a two-way relationship with a potential partner but can't find any that say yes, it sucks. A lot. You may question your self-esteem, your beauty, and ultimately your existence.

I also empathize with you regarding the relatives. I come from an Arab family, and gossip is all the rage. Drama happens all the time, and everybody is judging everybody. It's added burden to the children when they're born into a family that expects them to be a doctor or marry ASAP or else they'll be deemed a failure. You didn't ask for any of this.

Rejection hurts. Being burdened with a family with unreasonable expectation hurts. I understand your pain and where you're coming from. I really hope, whether you CTB or not, that you feel better. You deserve to feel good. You deserve to have a partner that cherishes. You deserve to have a family that cares about you regardless of whether you meet their silly bars.

 

[feder]

I feel you, especially with the parts about you never feeling like you could fit in and not having a relationship. I'm 19 and all my friends are either in or at least had a relationship but I've never had one. All the girls I've liked have rejected me. Or went for someone better. Fitting in is so hard as well because I don't even know who I am. I want to believe that one day I'll find a the person who truly cares but its getting really difficult.

Didnt mean to vent, just wanted to show you that you are not alone I feel exactly the same.
I hope you find peace whatever you chose to do!

 

[FireFox]

Hey FireFox. I'm sorry you decided to CTB at 30. I share your pain. It's only natural to seek love. It's okay to want to feel special to someone else. Love isn't even something experienced by humans only. Other animals love each other, too. So when you try to look nice and seek a two-way relationship with a potential partner but can't find any that say yes, it sucks. A lot. You may question your self-esteem, your beauty, and ultimately your existence.

I also empathize with you regarding the relatives. I come from an Arab family, and gossip is all the rage. Drama happens all the time, and everybody is judging everybody. It's added burden to the children when they're born into a family that expects them to be a doctor or marry ASAP or else they'll be deemed a failure. You didn't ask for any of this.

Rejection hurts. Being burdened with a family with unreasonable expectation hurts. I understand your pain and where you're coming from. I really hope, whether you CTB or not, that you feel better. You deserve to feel good. You deserve to have a partner that cherishes. You deserve to have a family that cares about you regardless of whether you meet their silly bars.

@Pomegranate Thank you so much for being so understanding and actually being able to relate. I live in the UK and people in western countries generally do not understand how extremely difficult it is growing up in certain cultural families and not being able to break free from it. I have be careful what I say or do to my relatives especially the elders otherwise I risk tainting my own entire family household.

If I had financial freedom and independence believe me I would have cut off my entire relatives years ago. I loved the pandemic because it meant not having to see these people anymore. It pure bliss and freedom my life actually got better during that period. This year I had to live for a month in my parents home country and it was the worst month of my life. My depression came back.

All these issues growing up I never had nobody to talk to about it. My mother and grandmother don't listen and blindy love these arsehole relatives. I had an auntie I who I was close with and trusted, she was my favourite relative. She gossiped about ALL my insecurities to the entire and told everyone I was crazy. I no longer share anything with her.