Venting The pain is never-ending but I can’t kill myself

[nightlygem]

One week, things are going great! I feel like I'm making progress and getting better. Then, suddenly in one day, things take a turn for the worse.

Never ending suffering from this life. But I can't die. I love my partner very much, and I want to live a long life for them. With them.

But man, being borderline and bipolar REALLY sucks. Once something triggers any sort of bad emotions, I start getting these horrible delusions. I used to hallucinate and hear voices, but Latuda has stopped those things. Now it's all an internal battle.

I found a good support to hang myself from. It looks like the metal framework/foundation for a shed. I just, I can't bring myself to do it. Regardless if I ctb or not, I will feel like a failure. I fail the one I love by dying, but I fail myself by living.

I'm isolated from everyone and everything I love. I have nobody to cry to. I always tend to vent on here so the delusions can stop. The way I'm living, It's like living in a psych ward with internet access.

I feel hopeless. But knowing me, I'll probably feel happy again soon. That's just my life now. Extreme lows, decent highs. I wish we lived in a world that could cure mental illness with a simple surgery or operation. That way I don't have to live like this.

Thank you for reading. If you made it this far, pat yourself on the back. You just help stop someone from letting their delusions take over.

 

[MyChoiceAlone]

even a slight pain in the same spot - repeated enough hurts like hell.

 

[Demian]

I don't know what to say because I'm 100% suicidal.

Don't do anything on impulse.

If you wanna vent, come here to SaSu, create a thread and talk to us.

But don't do anything on impulse.

I understand. We avoid suicide because of the pain that other people will suffer but, at the same time, if we stay alive it's us who will suffer. I think about it too, but I've made up my mind. There's no solution for me, my suffering is far greater than I can bear...

If there's any hope for you, I'd advise you to try for a few more years.

But you're not alone, we're here with you.

 

[scottyy]

Hmm I noticed something like this in myself recently.
One week I'm doing good, some days I'm elated even. Then one small thing happens and my thoughts spiral downward out of control. Next thing I know I'm depressed and angry and I tell myself I know I should kill myself, that I should've done it a long time ago and that I'm going to die soon anyways so why care about anything.

 

[Unknown User]

I don't know what to say because I'm 100% suicidal.

Don't do anything on impulse.

If you wanna vent, come here to SaSu, create a thread and talk to us.

But don't do anything on impulse.

I understand. We avoid suicide because of the pain that other people will suffer but, at the same time, if we stay alive it's us who will suffer. I think about it too, but I've made up my mind. There's no solution for me, my suffering is far greater than I can bear...

If there's any hope for you, I'd advise you to try for a few more years.

But you're not alone, we're here with you.

Cool pfp. Has nothing to do with your post :3 but monster is a really good anime, one of my favorites

 

[Demian]

Cool pfp. Has nothing to do with your post :3 but monster is a really good anime, one of my favorites

Monster is excellent my friend

 

[gabmor4]

¡Hola! No tengo las palabras adecuadas, solo que comprendo ese vaivén de emociones de un día para el otro, y también amar tanto a alguien que no deseas hacerlo sufrir. Los delirios, también. Sé que son horribles. Estás en una lucha tremenda.
Como lo ha dicho @Demian , las cosas por impulso... no lo sé, no es lo mejor, considero, aunque en el momento lo hayamos sentido así, según lo que pienso y si te ayuda de alguna forma. El otro día leí la respuesta de un miembro aquí a un hilo, que decía: <<si no eres lo suficientemente suicida es porque todavía hay esperanza, concéntrate en ella>>. Tuve que guardarla.
Cada vez que necesites desahogarte, como lo has hecho, ven. Hasta el momento es uno de los espacios más seguros para hablar sobre todo esto, sobre el cansancio de la mente, del cuerpo, de la vida.
Gracias a ti por escribir aquí. Estás siendo escuchado.
Un abrazo a tu mente cansada. <3

I will use the Cambridge translate for my reply.

Hello! I don't have the right words, I just understand that swing of emotions from one day to the next, and also loving someone so much that you don't want to make them suffer. Delusions, too. I know they're awful. You're in a tremendous struggle.
As @Demian has said, things on impulse... I don't know, it's not the best, I think, even if at the time we felt that way, according to what I think and if it helps you in any way. The other day I read a member's response here to a thread, which said, "if you're not suicidal enough it's because there's still hope, focus on it". I had to put it away.
Whenever you need to vent, as you have done, come. So far it is one of the safest spaces to talk about all this, about the tiredness of the mind, of the body, life, the desire to no longer be.
Thank you for writing here. You're beign heard.
A hug to your tired mind. <3

 

[iloverachel]

I am sorry you feel so suicidal my friend. I feel similar, never ending pain but can't suicide because i don't want to let my parents down.

So the result is you are stuck in a life you don't want to live and its truly awful

I wish you peace