My mother used to tell me when I was a child that we are all eternal souls who live on earth for awhile (why? she didn't say why...) but that this life is only a part of a bigger existence we aren't able to comprehend. She truly believed this and I guess hearing that as a child it stayed with me and I 'believe' that now as well, though I've grown dubious as I've grown up.
I mention the above because my mom and I also used to discuss life/death a lot, especially in her final years when she was so ill (and I was so terrified of that day coming when she'd not be here anymore). She told me she wasn't afraid of dying because there was more than just this short, physical existence and that our souls continued on to another kind of existence after death. She honestly viewed life as precious, but still only a blip on something larger, something incomprehensible to the human mind.
So one time when she'd been in the hospital, she had an incident of dangerously low blood sugar during the night. She told me that when it was happening, it was like she 'stood up from the bed, and walked over to the window in her hospital room and watched the nurses and medical personnel work on her'. I asked her what did she feel like, and she said she just felt peaceful. Not sick or anything. She said this went on for awhile and then suddenly, she just was 'back in her body', waking up with the nurses around her. I know that her 'experience' might have only been a biological thing as a result of her low sugar, or a dream, whatever...but I like to think it was a genuine experience and indicated that we are something besides and beyond just a bag of meat that is nothing once our life flickers out. But then i think: yeah, sure. So I guess I'm just conflicted. lol
The other thing though that I always think about (a LOT, actually) is something that happened to ME the morning after my mom died. I live four hours away from her, and she was in the hospital when she passed but ironically was meant to be discharged the day of her death (she died around 12:30 a.m.) to go home to hospice care. I could tell though when I spoke with her on the phone that last evening she probably wouldn't make it until morning, and I couldn't believe I'd not gotten a chance to see her one last time. The last time I'd seen her was like four months before. But on the phone that last night she just sounded so out of it, and kept saying how 'tired' she was and just wanted to sleep. So I told her I loved her and I'd see her soon, knowing I probably wouldn't.
My family called me around 2 a.m. to tell me the news. Of course that night for me was long, and hellish. The next morning I went into the bathroom and was just standing there looking into the mirror, still in shock, and thinking "my mom is gone". My mom was like my only friend and was my biggest source of support as I struggled through years of mental health and chronic physical health issues myself. I felt completely adrift and afraid and alone at that moment. So then I walked about 4 feet over to the bathroom scale and this...thing...suddenly flicked against my leg and fell onto the floor. At first I thought it was a bug. (this was in July and so - bugs get in here often) But when I bent down to see what it was, I discovered it was this small bird charm that'd fallen off a bracelet of mine MONTHS before. There was NOTHING on my that that charm could've caught on, it wasn't in my pocket and fell out...it just somehow DID drop onto the floor, right at my feet, at the very moment. I'm sure there is a logical explanation as to how it got there - meaning, I don't believe it suddenly materialized there out of nothingness or anything supernatural like that. But I **DO** believe the reason it appeared then, at that moment on that day, was it was my mom trying to tell me she was finally free from her sick body, and she was OK. She loved birds and I've read many times birds are a symbol of hope, sent by a deceased loved one. I want to believe it's so, and that bird charm was a message from my mom.
Still, I waver constantly on what happens after death. Do we go on, elsewhere, somewhere better? Or do we wink out, like a candle flame? I can't seem to TRULY, 100% commit to believing one way or the other yet. But I guess I lean more towards thinking there is more beyond this physical existence, out of desperation to make sense of why we're here at all and also the fervent hope that I'll see my mom and other loved ones again someday.
This long post didn't really contribute much to this discussion I guess. But I felt the need to write it out and share. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read it all. <3
