The oppressive anxiety you get when you know there is no other way out

[Cryptonite]

I deeply and honestly want to live. I spend most of my days dreaming about the life I could have if I didn't have this disease, Scheuermann's disease.

But I know there is no other way out. It is chronic. It is untreatable. It could have been cured if diagnosed early, but it was not. All options have been entirely exhausted. The CBT is my only way out. As I have finished my long-term CTB plan and short-term SN plan, and done a "trial" CTB, the oppressive anxiety is really getting to me. Before, I could rely on my defensive mechanism of dreaming for some relief, but most of it is gone now. No dreaming anymore. This is very real. No sports, no buddies, no school, no entrepreneurship, no travelling, no girlfriend, no hobbies, no memories. It is over. At 25 years of age.

Oh boy, it is a tough realization.

 

[Cerulea]

I'm always conflicted in these instances. There are folks, like me, who don't want to be here under any circumstances. But then I see people like you who DO want to live. And they feel like they don't have any other options. And it makes me upset on your behalf. Which is a weird position for a stranger to be in. If you want to be here, I'm mad as heck that the conditions, technology, social dynamics, etc.. don't exist to facilitate you living the fullest like you want to have.

I'm so sorry. I hope there is a way for you to live a life you want, because I think you deserve to have access to what you want. And if that can't happen for you, I hope you find what you're looking for here to get where you need to be.

 

[Nirrend]

I'm sorry, It's sad because, in some cases like yours, life could be a goal if it could be reachable, if living would mean happiness..

I really hope that you are sure of your choice <3

When you talk about SI, I totally understand, I'm living my last days here and sometimes, I have a deep and really hard anxiety popping out of nowhere.

But the thing that I found funny is that, afterall, when I think calmly to what I'm really living, to what I would have to overcome If I decided to live on, I realise how much dying is nothing compared to live. And so, SI vanish.

I'm not incitating you, but, If you're sure of your choices, never forget that SI is an ultimate trick of our brain to preserve our descendant and the species !

It looks like SI is only activating against a danger. If dying is less dangerous and menacing than to live, so SI will vanish because dying is a way to "save ourselves from danger"

Anyway, whatever you decide, I hope you'll find the love and peace you deserve <3

We will see us up there, I'm sure <3

A lot of love and may you spend the best last days of your life till the end <3

 

[Zegers]

I tend to think that the silver lining is it will all be over after ctb

 

[suicidalpushpop]

i'm here because of chronic illness as well.

i want to live too :(

 

[FuneralCry]

Even know I always view non existence as being preferable to any kind of life, it is certainly very sad how many people want to live yet are unable to achieve what they so desperately want in life because of circumstances out of their control. It really is horrifying how so much suffering exists and how the human body can torture people, it's why I find the thought of non existence to be comforting. Life is so cruel and unfair.
I wish you freedom.

 

[Hope:-)]

'Oppressive anxiety' is the perfect way of putting it. One woman who passed on here described ctb as 'closing in on her' and I relate to that description too. And yes, I too want to live. Used to love my life- friends, work, study.

 

[Alnilam]

I'm in a similar boat. I was in a car accident that left me with severe nerve damage and chronic pain. Most days I'm a shaky, achy mess, I've become reclusive and agoraphobic. It doesn't take much to make me happy, I wanted to live a simple life with the few material attachments and hobbies I hold dear. Playing games, watching cartoons, homemaking and cooking/baking. I do not want to ctb but feel that it's my only option, but my fear of the unknown(the afterlife) and the hope that modern medicine will one day improve and heal me is what keeps me alive for now.

 

[emgrl]

It looks like SI is only activating against a danger. If dying is less dangerous and menacing than to live, so SI will vanish because dying is a way to "save ourselves from danger"

This is the best way to put it. How amazing to see it typed out ♡

 

[AliceTheGoon]

Yeah it's brutal when you HAVE to do it. When there's no amount of love or money or medical attention in the world that can turn things around for you. And it's a non-terminal illness so your body won't do it for you. When all the planning and preparation are done and there's only the will and the act left.

 

[emgrl]

Yeah it's brutal when you HAVE to do it. When there's no amount of love or money or medical attention in the world that can turn things around for you. And it's a non-terminal illness so your body won't do it for you. When all the planning and preparation are done and there's only the will and the act left.

Exactly… I couldn't have said it better.