Brokensoulwalking
Member
- Mar 14, 2023
- 45
Hi there,
I guess this is kind of an introduction as well as a request for advice. I will tell my story as best I can as well as ask for my advice after.
Thank you to the admins for admitting me. I'm sorry if I have posted this in the wrong area.
I have read a lot of your stories on here and I am sorry for the pain you are in and I understand how much it hurts being here although we have had different experiences.
My story starts in 1992, I am 30 years old, male. My childhood home was a broken one full of struggle and pain.
I have suffered all the abuses that are available.
Physical, I was constantly beaten as a child, I don't want to to into stories, but I used to go to school with a lot of bruises and injuries. Although my bones were never broken, I was hurt a lot. I was beaten up on the estate I lived on, spat at a lot and usually a group of people would beat me up. I wasn't safe inside my home, due to the very violent arguments that usually dragged me in with them. I remember I had a PlayStation that would get smashed every other week. Video games were my only escape from reality and it was taken from constantly.
Sexual, when I was 8 years old I was raped by a family friend, on more than one occasion she was five years older than me. She started slow, she first made me look at her breasts, whilst she felt my penis. It eventually led to intercourse and other things that I don't wish to speak on, I shake as I write this, sorry. I have wrote stories down in the past from a third person perspective and would be happy to share if anyone wants to see them.
Mental abuse, this came from every angle, nothing I ever did growing up was good enough, and everything was my fault. I still have a feeling of inadequacy to this day.
I will tell you about my relationships and the realisation I've recently suffered.
So now that the early life is kinda out the way, I grew into a troubled teen, kicked out of school, drinking, drugs, I joined a gang so I didn't have to be alone anymore. I led a dangerous life, maybe in the hopes of being killed, I remember cause I have no value of my own life, when a knife or gun was brought out, I always stood there with no fear saying kill me.
I found myself involved with drugs and crime, drugs took the pain away, and crime paid for those painkillers. I was intelligent but failed in school, I hated authority no one could tell me anything cause I was lost and diserted. No one loved me and I don't love anyone else. I was seen as troublesome but no one knew what I went through.
I've only met two people in my life who had as fucked up childhood as mine. One was dannii, I fell for her first, but she didn't want me, but she kept me around, cause she had a friend who she could do and talk about everything with, but could also be with other people. She knew I loved her but used to rub it in my face for her own pleasure. She played with my emotions cause it was fun to her, how do I know this? She told me.
Some time later after two years we finally got together but after two weeks she cheated on me with someone else. And this seemed to be a repeating cycle in my life. I don't blame her and I made peace with her not long ago, because I was putting all my affairs in order finally.
My next love was Tasha, she is still in my life and has stood by me through everything. I love her very greatly, but not more than I hate myself. We met when I was getting my life what society calls together, I got a job someone took a chance on me and I worked hard and made my way up the corporate ladder. We had a turbulent relationship, she cheated on me one time, but has been regretful ever since. She has tried to help me address my mental health, but i am cut too deep. This relationship is currently at 7 years together and I feel bad I am going to leave her.
Whilst with tasha I met Susana, this was a strange one. We met as friends, we joked laughed but I could see the pain in her eyes from the moment I first saw her pictures. Only pain recognises real pain.
We talked for a bit, but she told me she was going through some stuff and I asked if I could check on her. She let me, but after a couple of days she stopped replying, I didn't know if she was hurt or dead, but there was nothing I could do and I just sat and hoped to myself that she was okay.
She came back into my life after some dirty bastard had got a bit touchy with her and I was there for her shoulder to lean on. We talked for weeks following this, and we kept getting closer, I could understand her even though she didn't say anything, it was the way I used to be, and I always fought for her friendship. I told her things no one else ever knew and she told me things that I will take to my grave.
The problem was, we fell in love and this is the part that hurts the most, I was engaged to another and I've always been loyal to a fault. I understood why she ended it there, but it was the same situation as dannii I loved someone but they had another, I asked her to describe him one night and she put:
"he's really funny, always making me laugh, I love his personality and how he always tries to please me and never forgets the little things I tell him, he's kinda rude to others but never to me and I love that dick of course"
At that point I told her my feelings, and that's where she ended things. Not cause she didn't feel the same way it was cause she did. That's when I knew I will never be able to form a real relationship with anyone. Not that it mattered I planned to die that following week anyway.
So why am I telling you all this, because this is where it ends for me. I made it to 30 I made it to the end of where I wanted to be. I've been cold since I was 8 years old, and these emotions I recently felt were just confusion, someone pretended they cared but they didn't.
When I have tried to speak to her recently, she told me she doesn't give a fuck anymore, and that I'm sick and I should fuck off. Things like this cut so deep, I don't think I'll ever recover.
The thing was with susana, we shared pain. But she was younger and reminded me of my younger self, in denial. She manipulated me and gaslit me into believing I needed her and then abandoned me.
Due to her, bringing out the trauma I had pushed deep inside of me, my old friends wanted to harm her. I still love her no matter how bad of a person she is deep down, so I have deleted every trace of her so she cant be found from my devices.
The sad part is, we never actually met which is a whole different story. I went to Portugal this weekend, not to see her, I wanted to prove to myself I was strong enough to visit her city knowing she was there and not see her.
It didn't work, I spent every day here, alone roaming the streets crying, listening to the same songs on repeat.
I walked up to the bridge in vila de frança xira to jump but realised it wasn't high enough to definately kill me. So I walked away.
The ironic thing is, I went to Portugal to find inspiration and make a short movie asking young people to get help before this darkness takes over them like it has with me.
So now finally I have decided to die. This where the request for advice comes in. I only discovered this forum whilst I am in the airport going home. If I had another day in lisbon, I would of took my preferred method.
I want to drown, I want the feeling of my pain washing away as I pass to the other side.
I tried suicide when I was 8 years old by hanging, this was an improvised attempt and the cord snapped.
I have overdosed on codeine realising that the dosages were too minimal to successfully kill me.
I have accidentally overdosed several times, taking 12 - 14 codeine tablets and laying in bed was a brief but fleeting relief from the pain I felt. I would close my eyes and dream I was in another place.
I tried to slash my wrists open (without knowing the suicide rate was so low) I got incredibly drunk, I was talking to susana, I said my goodbyes, I took a blade to my wrist cut as deep as I could, and passed out drunk. Unfortunately I woke up a bit of blood but not enough lost. And I had to live with the shame I said goodbye to Susana.
I hung myself over a door thinking tasha wouldn't come home, but she did and opened the door on me.
I won't throw myself off a building, my friend did that last year, he hit something on the way down which broke his fall enough to keep him alive for 90 mins after a ten story jump. I can't imagine the pain he was in.
So I need some advice for drowning, I want the peace that comes with it. I can access any drugs illegally from my past. Prescription is harder to come by, I can get codeine and gabapentin fairly easily but nothing crazy strong. Is it possible to get blind drunk and just jump from a pier and let myself go? It would then look like an accident...
I have read some of the articles here on drowning yourself, but they all have access to things I don't, the joys of being in the suicide safe Europe.
I will always feel cold and my life feels ruined. But I want to know what I can put in my suicide note to make my death less impactful.
I struggle to get out of bed everyday. I did therapy and all it made me realise was that the people who abused me basically created me, like some fucked up Frankenstein made out of abuse.
They still have all the power although I don't like to admit it. And me taking my life is taking that power away from them, which is the part no one seems to understand.
Thank you for taking the time to read and any advice is welcome.
Footnote: this will taking place in a warmer climate because I want to enjoy a beautiful last meal and cigarette one last time so it may not be for three months. If anyone would like to talk to me about their problems, I am here to listen, and you will never get judgement from a POS like me.
Also sad I never got to try xanax, I would love to experience that and ctb.
I guess this is kind of an introduction as well as a request for advice. I will tell my story as best I can as well as ask for my advice after.
Thank you to the admins for admitting me. I'm sorry if I have posted this in the wrong area.
I have read a lot of your stories on here and I am sorry for the pain you are in and I understand how much it hurts being here although we have had different experiences.
My story starts in 1992, I am 30 years old, male. My childhood home was a broken one full of struggle and pain.
I have suffered all the abuses that are available.
Physical, I was constantly beaten as a child, I don't want to to into stories, but I used to go to school with a lot of bruises and injuries. Although my bones were never broken, I was hurt a lot. I was beaten up on the estate I lived on, spat at a lot and usually a group of people would beat me up. I wasn't safe inside my home, due to the very violent arguments that usually dragged me in with them. I remember I had a PlayStation that would get smashed every other week. Video games were my only escape from reality and it was taken from constantly.
Sexual, when I was 8 years old I was raped by a family friend, on more than one occasion she was five years older than me. She started slow, she first made me look at her breasts, whilst she felt my penis. It eventually led to intercourse and other things that I don't wish to speak on, I shake as I write this, sorry. I have wrote stories down in the past from a third person perspective and would be happy to share if anyone wants to see them.
Mental abuse, this came from every angle, nothing I ever did growing up was good enough, and everything was my fault. I still have a feeling of inadequacy to this day.
I will tell you about my relationships and the realisation I've recently suffered.
So now that the early life is kinda out the way, I grew into a troubled teen, kicked out of school, drinking, drugs, I joined a gang so I didn't have to be alone anymore. I led a dangerous life, maybe in the hopes of being killed, I remember cause I have no value of my own life, when a knife or gun was brought out, I always stood there with no fear saying kill me.
I found myself involved with drugs and crime, drugs took the pain away, and crime paid for those painkillers. I was intelligent but failed in school, I hated authority no one could tell me anything cause I was lost and diserted. No one loved me and I don't love anyone else. I was seen as troublesome but no one knew what I went through.
I've only met two people in my life who had as fucked up childhood as mine. One was dannii, I fell for her first, but she didn't want me, but she kept me around, cause she had a friend who she could do and talk about everything with, but could also be with other people. She knew I loved her but used to rub it in my face for her own pleasure. She played with my emotions cause it was fun to her, how do I know this? She told me.
Some time later after two years we finally got together but after two weeks she cheated on me with someone else. And this seemed to be a repeating cycle in my life. I don't blame her and I made peace with her not long ago, because I was putting all my affairs in order finally.
My next love was Tasha, she is still in my life and has stood by me through everything. I love her very greatly, but not more than I hate myself. We met when I was getting my life what society calls together, I got a job someone took a chance on me and I worked hard and made my way up the corporate ladder. We had a turbulent relationship, she cheated on me one time, but has been regretful ever since. She has tried to help me address my mental health, but i am cut too deep. This relationship is currently at 7 years together and I feel bad I am going to leave her.
Whilst with tasha I met Susana, this was a strange one. We met as friends, we joked laughed but I could see the pain in her eyes from the moment I first saw her pictures. Only pain recognises real pain.
We talked for a bit, but she told me she was going through some stuff and I asked if I could check on her. She let me, but after a couple of days she stopped replying, I didn't know if she was hurt or dead, but there was nothing I could do and I just sat and hoped to myself that she was okay.
She came back into my life after some dirty bastard had got a bit touchy with her and I was there for her shoulder to lean on. We talked for weeks following this, and we kept getting closer, I could understand her even though she didn't say anything, it was the way I used to be, and I always fought for her friendship. I told her things no one else ever knew and she told me things that I will take to my grave.
The problem was, we fell in love and this is the part that hurts the most, I was engaged to another and I've always been loyal to a fault. I understood why she ended it there, but it was the same situation as dannii I loved someone but they had another, I asked her to describe him one night and she put:
"he's really funny, always making me laugh, I love his personality and how he always tries to please me and never forgets the little things I tell him, he's kinda rude to others but never to me and I love that dick of course"
At that point I told her my feelings, and that's where she ended things. Not cause she didn't feel the same way it was cause she did. That's when I knew I will never be able to form a real relationship with anyone. Not that it mattered I planned to die that following week anyway.
So why am I telling you all this, because this is where it ends for me. I made it to 30 I made it to the end of where I wanted to be. I've been cold since I was 8 years old, and these emotions I recently felt were just confusion, someone pretended they cared but they didn't.
When I have tried to speak to her recently, she told me she doesn't give a fuck anymore, and that I'm sick and I should fuck off. Things like this cut so deep, I don't think I'll ever recover.
The thing was with susana, we shared pain. But she was younger and reminded me of my younger self, in denial. She manipulated me and gaslit me into believing I needed her and then abandoned me.
Due to her, bringing out the trauma I had pushed deep inside of me, my old friends wanted to harm her. I still love her no matter how bad of a person she is deep down, so I have deleted every trace of her so she cant be found from my devices.
The sad part is, we never actually met which is a whole different story. I went to Portugal this weekend, not to see her, I wanted to prove to myself I was strong enough to visit her city knowing she was there and not see her.
It didn't work, I spent every day here, alone roaming the streets crying, listening to the same songs on repeat.
I walked up to the bridge in vila de frança xira to jump but realised it wasn't high enough to definately kill me. So I walked away.
The ironic thing is, I went to Portugal to find inspiration and make a short movie asking young people to get help before this darkness takes over them like it has with me.
So now finally I have decided to die. This where the request for advice comes in. I only discovered this forum whilst I am in the airport going home. If I had another day in lisbon, I would of took my preferred method.
I want to drown, I want the feeling of my pain washing away as I pass to the other side.
I tried suicide when I was 8 years old by hanging, this was an improvised attempt and the cord snapped.
I have overdosed on codeine realising that the dosages were too minimal to successfully kill me.
I have accidentally overdosed several times, taking 12 - 14 codeine tablets and laying in bed was a brief but fleeting relief from the pain I felt. I would close my eyes and dream I was in another place.
I tried to slash my wrists open (without knowing the suicide rate was so low) I got incredibly drunk, I was talking to susana, I said my goodbyes, I took a blade to my wrist cut as deep as I could, and passed out drunk. Unfortunately I woke up a bit of blood but not enough lost. And I had to live with the shame I said goodbye to Susana.
I hung myself over a door thinking tasha wouldn't come home, but she did and opened the door on me.
I won't throw myself off a building, my friend did that last year, he hit something on the way down which broke his fall enough to keep him alive for 90 mins after a ten story jump. I can't imagine the pain he was in.
So I need some advice for drowning, I want the peace that comes with it. I can access any drugs illegally from my past. Prescription is harder to come by, I can get codeine and gabapentin fairly easily but nothing crazy strong. Is it possible to get blind drunk and just jump from a pier and let myself go? It would then look like an accident...
I have read some of the articles here on drowning yourself, but they all have access to things I don't, the joys of being in the suicide safe Europe.
I will always feel cold and my life feels ruined. But I want to know what I can put in my suicide note to make my death less impactful.
I struggle to get out of bed everyday. I did therapy and all it made me realise was that the people who abused me basically created me, like some fucked up Frankenstein made out of abuse.
They still have all the power although I don't like to admit it. And me taking my life is taking that power away from them, which is the part no one seems to understand.
Thank you for taking the time to read and any advice is welcome.
Footnote: this will taking place in a warmer climate because I want to enjoy a beautiful last meal and cigarette one last time so it may not be for three months. If anyone would like to talk to me about their problems, I am here to listen, and you will never get judgement from a POS like me.
Also sad I never got to try xanax, I would love to experience that and ctb.
